#immigrantindenmark

This is the first day of the last month of the deadline the immigration office set for themselves to make a decision if the Ankara Agreement could give us the right to stay in Denmark or not.

In other words, the first day of the last month of 20 months journey.

In other words, the first day of the last month of living in anxiety.

In other words, the first day of the last month of hating opening the postbox or ebox.

In other words, the first day of the last month of you could continue your life as you wished or not.

In other words, the first day of the last month of turning into this most depressed person in your circles.

In other words, the first day of the last month of constantly explaining yourself to people why you want to stay here.

In other words, the first day of the last month of feeling frustrated for feeling not being able to express what you have been going through and what should be changed to people you are giving interviews to.

In other words, the first day of the last month of feeling like people even the closest ones have to see your story in a film by a significant director so that they could empathy with what you have been going through.

In other words, the first day of the last month of losing all your creative writing skills to writing boring letters to the immigration office, lawyers, and journalists...

In other words, the first day of the last month of the chance to cycle through Copenhagen and feel fabulous and grateful despite the heavy rain in your eyes and wind that messes with your hair.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could feel safe out in the city despite the time, the dress you are wearing, or your alcohol consumption.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could bike from one exhibition to another on a Friday night.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could borrow almost any book you want from the library just around the corner.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could feel just happy for living in Copenhagen not just because it is the statistics you should contribute to but because it just happens.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could talk Danish with your stupid accent and everyone looks at you like you made no sense.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could buy good wine for reasonable prices from Netto without being have to put it in a black plastic bag or being judged.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could recycle properly.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could see not just one but even more than one park in one day on your route back home.

In other words, the first day of the last month you don’t have to worry about dying in a meaningless traffic accident.

In other words, the first day of the last month you feel like there could be some human politicians trying to make a positive effect in how the majority of stupid politicians are running the country.

In other words, the first day of the last month you look forward to the summer not because the winter sucks but because the summer rocks here.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could experience world class jazz and beyond at Jazzhouse just an email to Klaus away.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could meet some very nice friends you made over the 4 years and 2 months you have been here for a beer.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could feel lucky to be here.

In other words, the first day of the last month you count the months by the festivals they are hosting like April for Pix, July for Jazz, November for Dox.

In other words, the first day of the last month you feel nervous for feeling far from accomplished in going over your bucket list.

In other words, the first day of the last month you can practice your profession and make a living.

In other words, the first day of the last month you can pass through the high end design shops that sell your products, and feel proud secretly.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could visit your mom’s grave without applying for a visa.

In other words, the first day of the last month you could feel home.

In other words, the first day of the last month for being yourself and being a better yourself.

The first day of the last month of all these and more is almost over ...

30 more left.

I feel like my life is dominated by “not ... enough but strong enough” situations.

I am so tired.

and I am also tired that when i say this, some jump in with an example of a person who is in a worse situation than me.

Yes, i know. There are people in war zones. There are people lying sick waiting to die.

But i also know how i feel and i feel extremely tired.

This constant flow of negative events leaving me breathless, speechless, heartbeatless (is it even a word?), hopeless, joyless, apetiteless, motionless, sleepless, and all positive feeling-less.

And each time fighting so hard so that i am also not left dreamless and powerless.

Hi, my name is Seda, and i am not good enough for many things; not tall enough, not thin enough, not beautiful enough, not attractive enough, in Turkey not Muslim enough, in Europe not European enough, in Denmark not Danish enough, not fun enough, not drunk enough, not spontaneous enough, not courageous enough, not athletic enough, not fresh enough, not rich enough, not positive enough, not lucky enough, not friendly enough, not extroverted enough, not dominant enough, not considerate enough, not comprehensive enough, not  not-stupid enough, not normal enough, and according to the immigration office not significant enough, but have been very very very strong enough to find ways to handle being constantly evaluated as “not ... enough”.

Yet, about to also be not strong enough.