#imewe

So. It's been an eventful month. I can't explain it, but through months of observation, I have sort of located the place in my consciousness in which my symptoms are occurring. I found that I have some power over this. I can't make the hallucinations go away, or change their intensity, but I can change what they are. So instead of hearing crazy people screaming at me to kill myself, I can change it to music. 

It's like having a lucid dream, where you tell yourself the next song you are going to write will be playing in the next room, and then you hear it. It's like that.

For a while, I thought all of my problems were gone, and it was actually helping me write music. It was like I had super powers. But then I realized I had to concentrate on the music or it would change back to the voices. So that made it impossible to have a conversation with someone, or even use my sense of hearing. It was like constantly having headphones playing music that you could never take off. This was a problem.

I was thinking, obviously I have some power over this. I can change my auditory hallucinations, and I can see visuals on command. It's like having super powers. So if I can completely change what they are, in theory, i should be able to get rid of it.

I got myself into this mess by literally thinking myself insane. I think I can think myself out of it to. I feel like I finally have a firm grasp on reality. Thought processes can be manipulated. My symptoms lie within my thought processes. My symptoms can be manipulated/gotten rid of.

Thought processes are pretty much habits. So this Schizoaffective bullshit is just a crazy habit (pun not intended). I have been thinking on this over the last week, and have decided to completely changing my thought processes. 

I have been so busy, it's insane. Been filming music videos every weekend and working on music and school bullshit during the week. This is the first time i've had a chance to just kick back and relax.

My medicine got changed from 150mg Seroquel to 15mg Abilify. I'm not sure it's working correctly. I'm seeing weird colors and flashes in my perephrials, as well as a low ongoing droning sound. Plus I just feel weird in general.

I have been on it for 4 consecutive days, and I'll probably discontinue taking them tomorrow, and go back to Seroquel. That worked a little better, even though it sedated me so much. 

I have been un-medicated for the last 3 days, and surprisingly it hasn't been that bad. I'm experiencing auditory hallucinations again, and I had a tactile hallucination last night (bugs), but other than that nothing too catastrophic has happened.

I had a pretty good Valentine's Day. Female came over and visited and we ate chocolate and watched movies and listened to music. She did take up a surprising amount of space on the bed considering how small she is.

So. This weekend was cool. I went over to my cousin's apartment and hung out. I spent the night, then came home, and she spent the night over at my house. We went and saw a movie and played musics.

THEN! My internship dude texted me and invited me to the studio to hang out and watch the Villebillies record a new song. It was AWESOME. I met everyone and hung out and had a couple drinks. BUT HOLY SHIT! I FREAKING HELPED AUTOMATE A LOW-PASS FILTER ON ONE OF THE BANJO TRACKS ON A SONG THAT'S GOING TO BE RELEASED BY SONY'S RECORD LABEL AND BE PLAYED ON THE RADIO. I am pumped.

In other news, I'm slowly becoming even more batshit insane. This bump on my head has been bothering me for about 7 months. It appeared right when I started experiencing symptoms. It kept bothering me and I kept having paranoid delusions about it, so tonight, I cut it off with a pair of scissors.