#imdoingthething

when I meet strangers.

Last night I went out for the first time in a long time. I hate it because I get so much anxiety, but I know I need a dose of social interaction every now and then. I went to a small bar with a few buds I hadn’t seen for so long. We laughed & I enjoyed my self. My head was in a great place, I felt happy. I met so many people, different ages, different back rounds. But there were two people that stood out to me. I saw this guy. I don’t know how I noticed him, maybe it was his guitar on his back, or we just coincidentally just happened to look at each other at the same time but his eyes were kind so I walked up to him. I asked him about his music, what he liked, his passions. We both were taught by our brothers, We learned guitar the same exact way. It was insane. He then asked for my name so I gave him my preferred name. At first he seemed confused but then he caught on. He then politely asked ever so nicely my birth name. Normally, I would’ve been uncomfortable but the way he asked was innocent, so I told him. We then continued our conversation about music and he told me his name was John. He’s a regular and always goes to that bar to play music. I asked him if he’d like to jam sometime & he lit up like the sun. We swapped numbers & out of nowhere as I just finished typing his in my phone, he leaned in and kissed my cheek so slowly. I didn’t know how to react. I made it pretty clear that it was purely friendship I was seeking but it just caught me off guard. And off he went. I don’t know what it is, I really don’t, that draws people to me. Maybe it’s my awkwardness but it truly trips me out. The night went on, and I found myself sitting outside smoking a cigarette by myself. Just thinking about life and what the new year would be like for me. And then a girl walks out, crying hysterically. Crying as if she had been dragged through a field of barbed wire. Being myself, I asked her what was wrong, if she was okay, and if someone had hurt her. She then told me that she was heartbroken over her boyfriend. Now ex. That she didn’t know how to go on without him. How she longed for him, but he had been abusive. He had been a selfish, angry prick. It broke my heart seeing this girl sob. I then broke the silence. I looked at her and gently kissed her cheek and said “You my dear will find love again. This is just the beginning. It hurts like hell and it will for quite some time, but one day, you’ll awake from this nightmare and realize that you’re okay. Don’t you ever let anyone make you feel inferior. Only you yourself can give them that power. This is just a story in your book of life. You’ll will learn to love again. So hold on tight, I promise you. You’ll understand some day.” She just smiled and wiped her eyes and actually started to laugh a bit. She then proceeded to ask me if I had a gf but I said “No, but my heart burns for someone. Someone that I can’t be with right now. I have to work on myself. I have to be stronger. I have to love myself. I have to make peace with what hurts me so I can be the best man for not only her, but for myself. To give us a fair shot at something that could grow into something much bigger than what it already is.” The words just poured out of me.

I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel angry. I just know that that’s the truth. And the truth does hurt. It hurts like hell. It’s there. Buried deep, but I know that it’s what I have to do. I’m going to make it out. I’m going to grow into the man I’ve always known I could be. I’m going to be healthy. I’m going to get back on my feet again. I’m going to work on my confidence. I’m going to work through the sweat and tears. Use all the negative and make a positive.

And maybe, when the time is right, when she is stronger and I am stronger, maybe we can bloom together. We can be partners. We can hold hands and walk through this storm of life together.

I have hope. And I’ll never give it up. What ever happens, I love that woman with my whole being & will be by her side either as lover or friend….or both.

I will be there.