#imacreep

Dreams have been in me ever since I was a little girl. Explicit, vivid dreams. I was the kind to hallucinate with fevers to the point of seeing people who aren’t there. I live dreams so real that screaming, crying and talking are a constant. In one particular occasion I wasn’t able to move when I woke up. I live dreams so intense, that several times I wasn’t here when I woke up and to “return” took me up to two days. Sometimes I remember up to three dreams of the same night. And once it took me three attempts to wake up (in dreams) to actually wake up (in real life). Dreams play a big role in my life. They give me ideas and they give answers (such as my next creative project, discovering who my friends’ lover was, where the car keys got lost or the outcome of something that’s been happening). But above all, dreams allow me to be.

Sexual dreams are very frequent. Intense, vibrant, often primitively brutal. I’ve come to believe I don’t fully explore the sexual side of me that I need, so my mind gives me these delicacies. Contours, colours, sounds, golden complexions; men, women and others without faces. I can recall multiple times that I climaxed while dreaming, and multiple more in which I woke up completely wet.

Maybe as a result of this... neurosis... my sexsomnia was born. I only found it about 1.5 years ago. Few months before knowing about this condition, I was constantly complaining to my partner about how he would wake me up during the night trying to have sex. I would wake up and freak out, scold him, complain and have terrible moods because I always felt tired. His suspicions that I wasn’t conscious grew and pushed him to record a video as proof. So one day he tells me it isn’t started by him... but by me. What I vaguely saw on that video but could certainly hear was my physical advances on him, my hands finding and masturbating him, my mouth speaking things such as “make love to me” and “I want to fuck”, and after being rejected I got angry and upset. I violently pushed him away, turned to the other side and masturbated myself until reaching climax.

Do I hate this? No. I fucking love it. I love the fact that my mind is perverted without my consent. But are there risks inherent to sexsomnia? Yes, there are and they can be terrible. Maybe there’s a reason I was never a fan of sleepovers.