#im so..........god bless

Three o’clock Tuesday afternoon crawled up on him without him really realizing it until he was sat in the coffee shop with Adam, waiting for the others to show up. Lawrence was first, naturally, eyes shining knowingly at him as he took a seat and struck up a conversation with Adam, then Spoole wandered in after, smiling a bit at Matt and sitting next to him. Joel was last, and probably, gave Matt more of a reason to panic when he saw him; he didn’t know how Joel would take the news. He followed Cabra as a company more closely than any of them, and looked up to Bruce for more reasons than Matt would care to list off. Adam would take it like he took most other things; raised eyebrows and a soft “oh”. He didn’t know how Joel would react. It made him feel sick.

“Hello, boys,” Joel chimed as he sat at the table between Spoole and Lawrence, setting his order down and smiling at them. Adam and Lawrence managed polite hellos, and Spoole squeaked out a hi around his straw, before Joel looked straight at him. Matt broke out in a cold sweat. “So, Matthew, why are we here today?”

Matt felt everyone’s eyes on him at once; Spoole and Lawrence looked worried and intense, respectively, while Adam looked confused and Joel looked patient, and oh, God, why did he agree to this? Why did he agree to invite Lawrence and Spoole, too? He took a sip of his tea, avoiding everyone’s gazes, before he cleared his throat quietly. “I’m… Well… He- I mean,” he stuttered, sighing and running a hand down his face. There was no easy way to say this, was there? Other than just putting it out there, at least. So much for letting them down sort of gently, and making himself panic a little less. “Bruce Greene is my sugar daddy.”

The silence that surrounded him was unbearable. He braved a glance at Adam, saw him, predictably, with his eyebrows raised high on his forehead and his mouth slightly open, before his lips moved into a shape of an “oh”, saying it silently to himself. Something akin to realization flashed across his face, and no doubt the gears in his brain were starting to turn, piecing everything together. But when Matt turned to look at Joel-

“He’s your what!”

Joel’s voice was sudden and harsh, his hands slamming down on the table, making their drink orders shake. The loud outburst had people at the tables next to them turn, annoyance or concern on their faces, and even the baristas behind the counter looked over. Spoole waved his hands at them while Lawrence spoke across to Joel to get him to quiet down, but Joel’s eyes were like fire on Matt. Matt swallowed down the fear in his throat. “You’re what,” Joel said, his tone whispered and sharp.

“M-My sugar daddy,” Matt repeated, just as quietly, less to match Joel’s voice, and more to keep the people around them from turning their attention on them again. “He, you know, gives me money, buys me th-”

“I know what a sugar daddy is, Matt,” Joel interrupted. His hands move off the table top and disappear under, before they come back. Matt can see the tension in his shoulders fade, a little. Hopefully that was the worst of it. “How did- How?”

Matt fidgeted. Spoole glanced at him. “I got drunk at a bar like a month ago-” Had it really been a month? “-and I just rambled about my problems to him. You know, getting fired, dropping out. But I didn’t know it was him, and apparently I gave him my number, so he texted me and offered it to me, and we met up for coffee and now,” he said, motioning to the table. “We’re here.”

A silence settled over them again, before Joel dropped his head, running a hand over his hair. “I can’t believe my best friend is fucking Bruce Greene-”

“I’m not-” he started to say, loudly, before groaning quietly and dropping his voice. “Joel, I’m not- He didn’t want sex. He almost panicked when I brought it up.”

“A sugar daddy that doesn’t want sex,” Joel mumbled. “Well. Thank god I don’t have to wring your neck about it.”

Matt narrowed his eyes, before Adam spoke up, finally. “So… The new clothes, and the nice car that picked you up, and the money Saturday… That’s where you got all that? From Bruce?” he asked. Matt nodded, not sure what else to say, and saw Adam visibly deflate, putting his hands over his face. “Oh thank god…”

He was going to open his mouth to comment, before Joel jumped back in. “Is that why you’ve been so interested in Cabra recently?” he asked, taking a sip of his drink with an eye roll when Matt nodded. “It’s like you’re his worried boyfriend.” The face he made must have been something worth backtracking, because he saw the way Joel’s eyes shifted and he lowered his drink, frowning. “I’m sorry Matt-”

“Don’t be,” he said quickly. Now Spoole and Lawrence were looking at him, waiting for an answer, or an explanation; did they see whatever expression he made, too? “He’s not my boyfriend. And I’m not his. He’s got a girlfriend.”

“A girlfriend?” Spoole squeaked, right as Joel quickly said, “Matt, you know those gossip sites are bullshit, right?”

“There’s no denying the pictures, Joel. Besides, it’s his business, not mine,” Matt mumbled, taking a drink of his tea, and avoiding their eyes only to land on Lawrence’s.

Lawrence gave him a quick once over, before sitting back and sipping his coffee. “Someone sounds jealous.”

The words caused a quick jolt of fire in his stomach, that made his cheeks feel hot and he opened his mouth to argue, before Adam spoke. “He’s right- I mean. You wouldn’t care if you didn’t, you know?” he asked, looking at Matt. “Do… You care about Bruce?”

Matt thought about it, hard, in a way he hadn’t before. He thought about the way touches made his skin tingle, the way his smiles lit up the room, how kind he was, how his heart pounded, how he almost craved his presence in anyway he could get it. Thinking about it properly made his brain felt muddled and fuzzy though, just keeping him from making a realization. It was like there was some kind of film over his thoughts, preventing him from really seeing the situation clearly and- Oh. It finally all clicked together in his head and he tightened his hand on his tea, mouth falling open. Oh no. Oh no.

“Oh fuck.”

> Lawrence: Hey. Since you left early, Spoole and I gave Adam and Joel the rundown about not telling anyone.

> Lawrence: Their lips are sealed.

> Lawrence: Also, Joel’s not mad at you. And neither is Adam.

> Lawrence: Thanks for telling them. Sincerely.

Matt spent the entirety of Wednesday in bed. His brain felt like a trainwreck and his chest didn’t fare much better, and as far as he was concerned, the less he had to get up and move around, the better. He was grateful Joel and Adam took it as well as they did (although Joel’s reaction was up in the air), but now he had a totally new set of worries to worry about. It was like taking care of one thing just freed up the space for a totally new thing to come along and fuck him over. Adam’s words were still floating around in his head - “Do you care about Bruce?” - and he knew how to answer the question, really, he did. It was the reasoning behind it, the realization he made at the coffee shop, that he didn’t know how to put into something more coherent than a mumbled “oh fuck”. Did he even want to put a name to this? That’d make it real, and tangible, and then Matt would have to choke it down every time he saw Bruce, because Bruce had a girlfriend, and Matt was twenty-one and a goddamn mess.

Matt was halfway through a new round of thoughts fit to make him internally scream for months when his phone buzzed on the bed. He rolled over, fishing it out from the covers, already prepared to text whoever it was back and tell them to leave him to his self-deprecation, when his entire being froze at the name on the screen.

Bruce.

He almost scrambled to open the text, heart pounding in his ears as he did.

> I Don’t Want To Talk To You: Hey. I know you were planning on telling your friends about the situation yesterday. How’d it go?

Matt gripped his phone. He couldn’t find it in him to ignore him now, of all times. But he didn’t want to talk to Bruce, didn’t want to fuel the beast in his chest, and God, he really needed to stop thinking about how Bruce remembered that he was telling his friends. Bruce remembered and was checking up on him now. He swallowed, thickly, painfully, around the lump of stubborn pride in his throat, before he quickly changed Bruce’s name and typed out a response.

[I Don’t Want To Talk To You] changed to [???]

>> Matt: It went fine.

Fuck, fuck, what if that was too cool? Matt groaned and rubbed his face, before his phone buzzed in his hand and he looked at the screen.

> ???: That’s good. Is everything alright?

>> Matt: I don’t know. Honestly.

That sounded so dramatic, but, really, he didn’t. Everything felt super confusing again, and now that he was talking to Bruce again, he didn’t want to stop. He wanted his attention, wanted his jokes and kind words, and- God, dammit, Matt, he had a girlfriend. Matt was about to just lock his phone, roll over and ignore the texts, but he stopped himself when he got another one, and, yeah, it solidified how fucking weak he was.

> ???: Can I come pick you up? Or would you rather be with friends.

>> Matt: [unsent] You are a friend.

>> Matt: [unsent] I want to see you, please.

>> Matt: No, you can. I’ll be ready in ten.

Matt pulled himself from his bed for the first time all day, wandering out to the bathroom and splashing water on his face to wake himself up a bit. He did his best to tame his hair, sorta, then threw on a hoodie, before gathering his wallet, keys and phone. Adam was in the living room when he made his way out there, looking up from his laptop. “Going out?” he asked, eying him up and down.

“Yeah, with Bruce,” Matt mumbled, and wow, that felt weird to say. He almost wanted to backtrack, but Adam just hummed and looked back to whatever he was doing, fingers typing away at the keys as Matt’s phone vibrated in his hand.

> ???: Here.

Oh. Good. Here he went.

He said his goodbyes to Adam and headed out, locking the door up behind him and restraining himself the best he could from rushing down to Bruce’s car. It was quiet outside, sun already set, few cars on the streets, crickets chirping in the grass. He tightened his hands in his hoodie’s sleeves and held his ground, metaphorically, when he finally saw Bruce. The scuff wasn’t on the front bumper anymore, he noticed - it had been covered up by a new coat of glossy black paint. Guess Bruce finally got around to that. He bit his lip and tried to put on the best brave face he could internally, going over and getting in, making himself as comfortable as he could in the expensive leather. Bruce was the first one to speak, softly, probably too quietly considering the small space. “Hey.”

Matt stole a glance at him. The bruise on his cheek wasn’t as intense as it was Saturday, but he looked about the same. Although now there was an exhaustion in his eyes that wasn’t present before, and it made Matt’s chest lurch. “Hey,” he said back, smiling a bit at him.

“I… Didn’t really have a good idea of where to go. So, we can just drive?” Bruce suggested, and Matt nodded, quietly. Other people not being near him would definitely be helpful. But then he would be in a tiny car interior with Bruce for the entire duration of the conversation he needed to have and- “So. What’s bothering you?”

The car moved away from the curb of his apartment and Matt shifted a bit. “A lot,” he said, quietly, honestly. “A lot is bothering me.”

“Did things not go well with your friends?”

“No, they did, it’s just-” He stopped himself and let out a heavy sigh. He saw Bruce give him a look out of the corner of his eyes. Outside, the city passed by in a blur. “You have a girlfriend?”

There’s a squeak of hands on the steering wheel. “What?” Bruce asked, sounding… confused? Why would he sound confused? “A girlfriend where did you get that idea?”

Matt felt something rush over him. “Pepper? That celebrity news site-”

Bruce groaned, moving a hand to run over his hair. “Oh God, Matt, don’t tell me you believed it,” he said. Matt went silent, stunned almost. “Pepper has been on my ass for years. Mine and Melanie’s. We’re not dating. We dated for a month two years ago and broke up, and now everyone grasps at straws.”

“You’re not dating anyone?”

“No, I’m not,” Bruce said, and it sounded so matter-of-fact that Matt felt so stupid getting so worked up about this in the first place. He took his information from a gossip site without any other fact checking why did he get so irrational so quick? “I’m not… really interested in anyone right now.” That sounded forced, but Matt wasn’t going to press it because… Bruce was single. A spark ignited in his chest. “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. Dating would… really make things complicated.”

Matt nodded, wordlessly, relaxing back against the leather seat. He felt his heart pick up, threatening to break through his chest, stomach flipping in that way that made him feel sick. “Okay,” he said quietly.

“You were worried about this?” Bruce asked him, turning to look at him briefly; it was a red light, Matt noticed. “About Melanie and I?”

He felt his face go hot. Oh no. “I-I just. I saw it and-” he stuttered, sitting up straight again. There was the deafening pounding in his ears again, fingers shaking around the handfuls of sleeves he had. Bruce was still looking at him, eyes gentle and face neutral, and Matt wanted to scream he was in so fucking deep. “I was just curious, you know you, obviously, don’t owe me any explanations I mean-”

“Matt.”

Bruce’s voice was soft, and he was looking right at him, now, and Matt felt his heart give one, two, three, good thumps before it skipped a beat and warmth pooled in his gut. They were so close. So close, and Matt was so aware of it, and if he wanted to play with the risks and consequences, he could just lean over- “You can be curious,” Bruce said, still so gently, so gentle is made Matt’s arms break out in goosebumps under the sleeves of his hoodie, made him wonder what it’d be like to hear that all the time. “I don’t mind. I ask about you. You can ask about me.”

“But-” Matt started to argue, and found his voice was more caught than he thought it’d be. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and sighed. “But I’m just… Me. I’m not-”

There was a honk behind them, and Bruce jumped, turning back to the road and driving again, hands tight on the steering wheel. Matt tried to calm the way his heart felt like it was going to break his ribs, and how he could feel the heat on the tips of his ears. He shifted in his seat, watching out the window as Bruce drove. Matt couldn’t ignore it if it was this bad. He was so fucked. The car passed by building after building, before they were back at his apartment, and Bruce pulled up, parking. “Before you go, Matt.”

Matt turned to face Bruce again, ignoring the way his pulse picked up again, watching him. “Yeah?”

“The reason why… I wouldn’t mind if you asked questions is because…” Bruce trailed off and Matt felt himself involuntarily grip the door handle. “You don’t want to be around me because I’m famous. You didn’t know about any of this when you met me. It’s kind of hard to find people like that, you know?” He laughed, softly, leaning back in his chair a bit. He sounded soft and vulnerable. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t mind the prying questions because you’re sincere, Matt. And you’re genuinely a nice person to be around.”

Matt couldn’t stop the thump-thump-thump so loud in his ears it made Bruce sound far away and the way his world blew past him as he made an even bigger realization than he did at the coffee shop yesterday. His heart jumped into his throat and he tightened his hands around the handle again. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Bruce said, smiling at him. “I won’t keep you longer. I’ll see you around, okay?”

Matt nodded, stiffly, then got out, waving robotically at Bruce, before he headed up to his apartment, let himself into the quiet interior, closing and locking behind him. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket as he leaned back against the front door and hung his head, hiding his face with his hands, his heart racing and hands still shaking, knees weak and brain swirling with every possible fantasy he could come up with and then some and, oh, God.