#im actually afraid

I really dont know if her going to work will ever get any easier.

The worst thing is that shes okay, even happy about it. Shes proud of herself and thats why she and her parents talked about how they will stop giving her money. But just remembering these words is bringing tears into my eyes. When i know that she has to count rent and take it as a luxury.

Is ridiculous. Why am i sad and angry and she isnt.

Why am i feeling so bad about it?

I guess its because things arent how i want them to be. And because it reminds me of what kind of failure i am. Failure and a privileged brat. And sick one so that she cant even redeem herself anymore. The only thing i can do is suffer. Because thats the only thing i deserve, as i dont deserve anything that i have. Not when i fuck up school, health, relationships, life.

Its fucked up that were in a relationship because she is my literal everything and my first priority

But she loves her family. Her parents. Her sister. Her other friends. Her hobbies.

I would be okay just being with her and only her for the rest of my life.

But she doesnt feel the same way about me.

Which is good for her, but sucks for me.

My mother is begging me to come home and im reluctantly obeying. She wants to go home, away from me, by herself.

I dont know what to do anymore. I cant live like this.

I literally have nothing left in life. Only her. But even that is now bringing me so much pain.

I either need a fucking miracle to happen or die.

Im thinking about suicide a lot. Actually thinking that i should make up a plan.

Im afraid. Im afraid because it seems worse every time i hit the rock bottom again. When will it be the last time? When will the time xome when i wont be able to get up? How much strenght can i muster again and again until theres none left?

Im crying again. But i cant even come to her. She stayed up with my pathetic broken ass yesterday. And she wakes up for the fucking work every morning. I cant let her lose sleep over me again.

Why is she okay with this? I am not, not, not

Weve been together so little today. She was at work and at practice and then its time to go to bed.

I hate this. Maybe i should just be depressed at home instead. It may hurt less while im there. I dont know at this point.

My thigh hurts a lot but its good because it should because i deserve this and i need this, i wish i should just cut my whole being open and vanish into the thin air.

Its so fucking overwhelming and i feel like i cant breathe because im drowning in my own emotions and the stupidest and most absurd thing is that something as ridiculous as this triggered it. I want to throw up or make myself throw up i want to starve i want to scratch and cut and smoke and burn.

I want to sacrifice all of my happinness for her so she can be happy, and that will make me happy as well. I wont need anything else, i promise.

I have so many words i want to scream but i cant seem to find them and what is left is only a vague feeling of unsaid unease.