2012 was the worst year of my life. It’s crazy because 2011 was quite possibly the best year of my life. 2011 was my first and only Burning Man. In 2011, I turned 40 and as a present to myself I went fishing in the Atlantic with Dean muthafuckin Ween. Immediately afterward I spent the weekend in NYC with 8 of my closest friends and we saw The Book of Mormon together. In 2011, I still liked my job and was making good money, and I didn’t have cancer.
Then came 2012. My best friend and #2 confidant (2nd to my mother) Lawrence shot himself in the head. I knew he was suicidal and tried over and over again to get through to him, but he cut everyone out of his life that knew him well enough to talk him out of it.
A few months later in April 2012, my uncle died. This man was like a father to my mother, and it was the end of an era losing him.
In May 2012, my favorite band, Ween, who is more than just a band to me, broke up. They were a lifestyle, and they were my everything musically. I’d travelled to many states to see them perform, and I even have a tattoo of the Boognish, my only tattoo. It broke my heart to think I’d seen their last show. I’d seen them 6 times in 2011 alone.
Then on October 9, 2012, my mother and #1 confidant died. She had been suffering from scleroderma and it finally took her life. It was the most devastating day of my life. My mother was my rock. She was what kept me grounded. She was my doctor, my voice of reason and my best friend. When I moved back to Denver from Seattle, it was to be closer to my mother and my friend Lawrence, and now they were both gone. I felt so alone.
So I became a depressed alcoholic and didn’t want to leave my bedroom for months. Not long after that, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, which was like turning the knife in the wound. I lost my job because I was pretty much a shell of a human being, and just couldn’t do it any longer. My cousin was my boss, and he and I had a huge fight and are no longer speaking to one another. A few of my other friendships suffered during that time as well.
Then I got cancer and as I’ve described in a previous post, my depression magically went away. I’ve been doing pretty well emotionally the last couple of years. Losing my dad was very sad last year, but I’m a much stronger person now and I know how to handle loss like that.
Now it is 2016 and Ween has reunited. I’d been concerned that I wouldn’t live long enough to see their reunion. But not only did they reunite, they chose to perform their reunion shows just miles from my house. The shows were this past weekend and I went to all three. I postponed my next round of chemo so that I’d be strong enough to watch from the floor standing in a crowd three nights in a row. It was rough because one of my tumors is causing havoc (and pain) to my kidney, but I’d much rather watch Ween on painkillers than in a chemo haze.
At the 3rd and final show, a new friend and fellow Ween fan, found me a spot on the railing in the front row where I managed to stay for the whole show. That railing is the only thing that kept me upright. From that vantage point I could see Dean and Gene and Dave and Claude and Glenn up close and personal. Their facial expressions, their stage banter, the sweat on their brows. I witnessed as they soaked in all the love from the crowd and played their hearts out to us. You could tell they were just as happy as we were that they were performing together again. It was beautiful. There was so much love in the room you could taste it. And it was on Valentine’s Day! This weekend was the most magical three days of my life. It represents our (mine and Ween’s) survival through tough times and the loss of loved ones. Like me, they lost a lot of friends and family in the last few years. It was a tough time for all of us, but we trudged through the darkness and we’ve made it out on the other side in one piece. Love has prevailed and I ain’t dead yet!!
Aye aye aye, sharpen your boot and bludgeon your eye.
