#illiannaval

Stories just unfold and unfold; hour by hour, the pages of our book are written. Some say we write those pages ourselves, including the seemingly ‘outside of our control’ experiences. Accidents, unwelcome circumstances, surprising opportunities, forgetting, missteps, chance meetings, world events, other people’s decisions, childhood experiences… these things that ‘happen’ make up much of our lives while we respond, or react, or acquiesce, or ignore, or endure them, or stand up to them.

But sometimes I wonder: Do things happen, or are we writing our own book… somehow, in some way, creating happenings? I know that it’s a weird question, but it seems a vital one in healing. It also seems vital as well in comprehending whether or not our personal evolution and energy transformation, as we go through these experiences, is a fractal bit of the experience of ‘All that Is’.

I’m thinking about these things because of a seemingly mundane event: my computer blue-screened and died. Empty-handed, realizing that I am an information junkie, looking around at all of the things I ‘could’ do, I picked up a novel that a friend had sent me and settled in to read. Something in me resists entertainment and distraction, but I made myself read it, thinking that I’d find something… and I did. When I reached the last line and put down the book, I found that our lives are so much more interesting than fiction.

The next morning, the ‘computer is ready’ call came. It was a fairly long drive to the repair shop, and I must have been daydreaming as I missed the last turn. It took a few minutes to notice that nothing in the landscape was familiar. As I went to turn around, I pulled smack dab in front of a beautiful ‘pagoda style’ gated temple. Above the gate was a sign that said, “Learn Chinese and Morals.” Jokingly, I thought, “Well that’s why I drove down here… somebody wants me to learn Chinese and morals.”

Well, Chinese is possible, I suppose, but morals… now that’s a tough one. Morals are imposed; and some say they were put in place to keep us from total degradation until the return of the light. That may be the case, but it looks like morals never have had a really good grip. Immorality has been oh so familiar, for oh so long. Why has the return of the light taken so long? I’m thinking maybe we have to really, really, really get finished with degradation personally, until collectively we tip the scale… if we are the writers of the book, that is.

On I went, thinking about morals and political correctness and religions and lies and rules and laws and cultures and justifications; it’s a dense mass of confusing messages about what is ‘good’.

If the sign above the temple gate had said, “Learn Chinese and Virtue”, that would ring a sweeter bell. We can seek to justify actions that society deems immoral, but with virtue, there is no hiding… no separation from your True Self. The outer rule vs. the inner code: morals will say something is right while virtue will say, “No Way!” or virtue will say, “I must do this,” and morals will say, “You’re an immoral woman if you do that.”

On the way home I stopped for a visit with a friend. He has suffered from PTSD for so many years… it’s as if one chapter in the book of his life just doesn’t want to end. There is a schism, and this too seems out of his control. Damage done to others is damage done to Self. It does not erase… it waits to be repaired. How fortunate if one can repair it in this lifetime.

Self healing is all of our work. And, not to get too serious here, but, repentance and asking forgiveness is a sacred act. It is not a spirit in the sky that forgives… it is the settling of a contrite heart in communication with ‘All that is’. Who among us has not done damage? We take risks being born into this dense and violent dimension – one must be brave and honest, and humble.

After the visit I asked myself, “Did he need this experience? Did his ‘I Am’ provide this in order to spur the evolution of consciousness and bring in more light for ‘All that is’, or was the military draft pick just some rotten karma. He is bringing in more light as he seeks healing, so I’d say the answer is… both can be true!

I headed home to discover another page being written in another book, this one belonging to Matthew. He has allowed me to tell his story, about the abuse he suffered, emotionally and psychologically; about his brave recovery, and the obstacles he faced and overcame.

If ever morals were discarded, they were discarded when it came to Matt. Parents, family, teachers, psychologists and psychiatrists did plenty of harm. And if ever a battle for spiritual life was fought, it was fought by Matt. Throughout it all he protected his core: he is one of the most empathetic and spontaneously kind persons I’ve ever known.

When I got home and settled in, Matt walked into the room, looking a little shaken. He announced, “I can sing again… did you know I used to sing all the time when I was little?” I didn’t know anything about him singing, so I listened as he sang a song. “How was I,” he asked. “Your pitch is great,” I said, “…but you need to project more.”

After the song, Matt started to talk about what really was on his mind: an incident of abuse that he had hidden from himself. The locked-away memory had surfaced when Matt had felt the desire to sing along with a song he was listening to. It was one of those awful/wonderful moments when Matt shined a light into darkness and opened yet another avenue to healing. Of course there were tears, but there was also understanding of ‘why I felt the way I felt’ and ‘why I did what I did’.

When ‘immoral’ reaches a stopping point… what is that? Isn’t that the ending/beginning that we have all been praying for… the ‘really really really done with degradation’; and the return of the light?

Matt is a stopping point for trans-generational harm, in that what he experienced at the hands of others will not be passed on through him. It will be healed. How can I be so sure? Well, you can’t write another person’s story, but I’d say he’s been tested. Even in the worst of times, he never turned to bitterness, and his heart never grew cold.

Great metaphysicians say that the ‘packet of information/energy’ that is us, has foreknowledge of the situation that we will be born into, and we willingly go into that energy in order to gain information, or complete, or repair, or transform something. We have no memory of that choice… instead we have only the landscape that lies before us, and an inner compass of feeling and intuition that leads us to create the next page, or begin the next chapter. If that is the case, then wisdom would tell us what to cherish.

So let’s take a look at virtues. Loving kindness, no matter the circumstances; generosity with self and time and resources; respect and allowing others their liberation journey; freedom from selfishness and the demands of ego; empathy; strength of heart; truthfulness. Would you say that the system hates these things, and the ‘morals’ of the immoral system are nothing but caricatures of these things, containing us within the illusion of good? I would.

To me, the system we live in is as lifeless as a book of fiction. Our own book is the wellspring of life and light… if we make it so.