If I was the same impulsive person from years ago, I would’ve seeked attention else where by now and make mistakes that I’d never forgive myself for. Every day I have temptations that I fight, just because I know it would be wrong of me. I don’t want to feel a good feeling just for temporary amount of time. But lately, it’s getting harder to control. Maybe this is sign telling me I need to just be alone and figure this life out. I just wish the decision would be made for me. I’ve never wanted to distance myself as much as I do now. I’ve never felt left out as much as I do now. I’m so mad at myself for allowing things to get this bad and to continue to tolerate it. I see what everyone says, but I don’t act on it. The more time I spend with myself the more I’m being shown that in the aftermath of whatever happens in my life, I’ll know how to be alone, I’m already doing it. I sit in silence sometimes bc people don’t acknowledge my existence, or don’t want to carry a conversation. I notice energies being reciprocated to others, but not important people. I refuse to make impulsive decisions. I refuse to retaliate to satisfy my own needs, that’s plain selfish. Even doing a complete 180 wasn’t enough, but it was enough for me in recognizing how far I’ve come, and knowing that makes me proud. One day I’ll either figure it out, or it will get figured out for me. In the meantime I’m gonna just plan on learning how to have a backbone, and treat people the way they treat me. I just don’t have the energy to care anymore.
