#ilas

I crossed my legs under me as I sank into the plush chair and stared into the mug to avoid looking at Azriel. Part of me wished I had practiced this in my head, another part of me wished I could avoid it for the rest of my life, even if that was now hundreds of years.

“You were right. Something did happen to me, and it’s not something I’ve talked much about but if you’ll listen, I’d like to tell you.” I sipped the tea and spared a glance towards the spymaster.

“I would listen to anything you told me. I’m sorry I pushed you earlier.” He placed his mug down and focused on me.

My hair fell in front of my face as I stared down into the mug. “I guess I should start from the beginning, huh? Ever since I was born my mother found some sick joy in telling me there was something wrong with me. She used to say I was shrouded in darkness, and I was a monster.” I took a deep breath and curled my hand into a fist, so tight I could feel my nails cutting into my palm. “When she wasn’t calling me names, she was ‘teaching’ me or disciplining me because I had disappointed her.” I set my mug down next to his. “Most of those scars you saw when I fell, were from her.”

Azriel reached out and took my hand. He pulled my nails away from my palm and intertwined our fingers, ignoring the blood on my fingertips. “What do you mean most?” His voice cracked as he spoke and my heart felt like it was being stabbed.

“Some of them I caused myself.” My shoulders shook as I sobbed silently and mustered up a sad smile. “She told me I was a monster so often…I started to believe her. I hoped there was something after death.”

Suddenly Azriel was pulling me to my feet and I stumbled as he held me close to his chest in a tight hug. “You went through hell and you came out the other side stronger than before.” He pulled back just a bit and I leaned into the hand he put on my cheek, thumb wiping tears off my face. “I promise you’re not a monster, and it may be a bit soon, but I hope you can find a place with us. I’d sure like it if you stuck around for a bit.”

“Az, I promise I’ll stick around for as long as you want me here.” I hugged him back and rested my head on his chest, trying to ignore the butterflies in my tummy.

==

The next few days went by like normal, training with Cassian until my bones felt like lead, and then usually the rest of my day was spent reading with Az.

It was early morning and I was waiting for Azriel in our favorite spot. After an hour or two I grew concerned and decided to go look for him. I found him in the kitchen with Rhys, they had their heads down and they seemed to be arguing in hushed voices. When Az noticed me he walked over and placed a hand on my arm. “Unfortunately, I think I have to miss out on our reading hangouts for a few days. I’m sorry”

I tried to hide my disappointment and shrugged as I slipped away from him to go sit on the counter near Rhysand. “It’s fine. I mean I get it, the illustrious spymaster can’t blow off work forever to hang out with the new girl, can he?”

He followed and leaned against the counter next to me, letting out a soft chuckle as he looked at me. “I don’t think anybody else would use that word to describe me.”

“Well, I would. I mean everybody I’ve met seems to admire and respect you.”

He smirked and quirked an eyebrow up. “You’ve only met the people in this house.”

“Not true! Sometimes Mor likes to drag me into town to go shopping, and I’ve gone with her to Rita’s once or twice.”

“And everybody in town was talking so highly of me?”

“Well no…but if they knew you, I’m sure they’d love you as much as I did. Maybe you should come with us to Rita’s next time, it’ll be even better with you there.”

He leaned closer to me with a grin. “You love me?”

I swatted his shoulder and shook my head as I tried not to laugh. “Oh shush! You know what I mean. I’ll miss you while you’re gone.”

His playful smile faded as he straightened up to look me in the eyes. “if you wanted, you could come with-”

“NO!” Rhys, who had been standing a few feet away was suddenly at my other side glaring at Azriel. “She can’t go with you.

Azriel rolled his eyes as he turned to look towards Rhys. “And why not? She’s an adult and she can make her own decisions, besides she’ll see worse in a few months won’t she? At least I’m giving her a choice.

“Except she’s not an adult! She’s like a child, she knows nothing of this world and I don’t think it’s very responsible to have her do this.” Rhys looked like he was ready to lunge at Azriel any moment.

I put a hand on either male’s chest and pushed them both back a bit as I slid off the counter to stand between them. “How about this? Azriel, tell me where you’re going. Rhys tell me why you think I shouldn’t go, and then I’ll make my own decisions because I am an adult.

Rhys muttered something under his breath and walked off in search of alcohol in the kitchen.

Azriel let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair before he spoke. “I’m going to an Illyrian camp. It’s out in the mountains and I think it would be a chance to show you- teach you more about us.”

I studied his face as he avoided my gaze. “There’s something you’re not telling me. Why are you going to this camp? Why do you want me there?”

He let out a deep sigh and sunk into a chair, putting his face in his hands he mumbled something I couldn’t hear. I walked over a put a hand on his arm. “Az, just tell me the truth. Please don’t lie to me.”

“I was supposed to be going next week but we heard a rumor that Devlon was planning a mass clipping before I can get there.” When he saw my raised eyebrows he clarified what clipping was.

I felt my knees go weak and I tossed myself into a nearby chair. “That’s horrible, but it doesn’t give me any idea why you want me to go with you.”

“I think it would help the females to see that there’s more they can do than just slave away for the males. Seeing somebody like you might help them. You could help them. Plus I’d get a kick out of the look on Devlons face when he sees us show up.”

“Uh-huh. And why doesn’t Rhys want me to go?”

“Rhys doesn’t want you to go because it’s dangerous,” Rhys spoke in the third person as he come around the corner with a glass in hand of what I could only assume was whiskey. “Sure, maybe the females there will see you and be inspired to fight back but you know what else will happen? The males will see you as a challenge, and they will try to break you any chance they get.”

“So I’ll stay near Az. I want to go, please. I know how to defend myself, I’ll be fine.”

He rolled his eyes and turned away, pausing only briefly. “If Cassian says you’re good enough to go, then you can go.”

Taglist: