#ikethevike

Dear Ike,

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. I mean, who run the world? No! Help me Ike- I can’t stop thinking about Beyoncé! My alarm is a Beyoncé song: what other way is there to start a morning? Then I blast Beyoncé and sing along while I’m in the shower, followed by harmonizing with my girl Bey in the car all the way to school. I constantly Google her to check out the latest in what Beyoncé is wearing, where she is vacationing, and what color toilet paper she most enjoys. When I’m not able to listen to Beyoncé, I Countdown to the next time I get to hear her Irreplaceable voice. If I Were a Boy, she would be my woman crush Wednesday. I wish I were a Beautiful Liar, but the truth is- I think I have a problem. She will always have my Love on Top; however, I think this obsession has reached Sasha Fierce levels. Ike, how can I Upgrade to a less severe obsession?

            Sincerely,

                        Crazy in Love

  Dear Crazy in Love,

Beyoncé is fabulous, there’s no denying that. However, your situation does sound a bit extreme. Maybe you could find some other artists you like to listen to that resemble Beyoncé. As with any addiction, you must phase it out- don’t just go cold turkey. That will only result in binge purchases of Beyoncé concert tickets and paraphernalia. Not that I would know firsthand or anything… As far as obsessively Googling the latest Beyoncé news, there is nothing wrong with checking up on her recent family trips and Beyoncé news in general, as long as it’s within reason. I would give yourself a time limit each day to indulge in the life of Beyoncé and stick to it. You CAN be healed from your Beyoncé obsession. Remission is possible; put on your Freakum Dress, your Halo, and erect a Partition between you and Queen Bey, at least for a while.

            Sincerely,

Dear Ike the Vike,

What started out as a minor infatuation has developed into a full on addiction. Cat memes are controlling my life! I can’t sleep, hang out with my friends, or pay attention in class. I have tried simply not going on cat meme websites, but then the withdrawal symptoms begin. It starts with depression due to a lack of those hilarious cat pictures with the all-too-fitting captions. Then comes the anxiety; I can’t live knowing that there are cat memes floating around the internet that I haven’t even seen yet. My friends won’t talk to me and my family is concerned. I just want to be a normal teenager again, one who can laugh at things other than obese cats making ironic faces! Ike, is there some kind of rehabilitation for my cat meme addiction?

            Sincerely,

                        Cat Meme Obsessed

  Dear Cat Meme Obsessed,

As with all addictions, the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Maybe you should consider a cat meme patch? Every morning, have a friend print out a hilarious cat meme for you. This will be your one cat meme for the day and will fulfill your need for cat memes while preventing you from scouring every corner of the internet for more. If you ever have depression-like withdrawal symptoms, just take a look at your cat meme “patch” and you are guaranteed to feel much better. You don’t need to eliminate cat memes from your life- let’s be honest, they are hysterical. You just need to cut back on those sleepless nights spent glued to your computer screen. Another thing to consider is the root of the problem. Why do you need this constant source of laughter? Maybe you need to find some more entertaining friends…Good luck in your recovery process!

            Sincerely,