#ijustneededtorant

I would love to have someone else's brain. Over- thinking thoughts that aren't worth myself or anyone else's time. It feels like a goddamn dryer spinning and and spinning, until I cannot stand. Physically and mentally.

even now I’m awake way later than I should have been because I have to be awake so early tomorrow to drive the fucking hour and a half because I took a job that I shouldn’t have... and blew a lot of money trying to get fucking licensed for it ... hate.....hate...hate...

Do you know what breaks my heart the most? The fact that you chose not to care anymore. You think I don't know you, you like to think you're this mysterious, deep, complicated, heartbreaker... But I know you, oh to well. And you know what? You're beautiful. You're so fucking beautiful, I long for the day you really see that. I know you care. I told you whatever happened, I'll always be there. You said you would to, but you're not are you? You're gone, you've vanished off the face of the earth and it's killing me. I wish I could just move on, I don't deserve a fucking liar, do you know what you did to me? You ruined me, why did you have to do that? I was there for you, I gave you all my energy and somehow it was still my fault. You don't have to remind me, I did things wrong, I'm far to aware of those things. I torture myself on a daily basis for them. But ask yourself this... What could of possibly of happened, that turned me into the one person I didn't want to be? What made me not care to the point where I hurt myself and everybody I loved? I never wanted to hurt you, not for one second. But it was perfectly okay for you to do that to me, time and time again and I wouldn't even question it, because yet again, I blamed myself! Yet, here I am. Wanting you more than ever, but knowing if I had you, I shouldn't. Because it's wrong, but we were so in love, why were we so in love? WHY. You are such a coward. I loved you so much.

Why is there I difference between a shirtless males back, to a shirtless females back? It's the same body part isn't it? Well apparently not. In my photography course we had an assignment on what they call "pictorialism" which was a style of photography that wasn't meant to look like a photo, these people wanted it to look more like a painting. Anyway as he's showing us examples of it there were a couple of naked women, not showing the front, just a bare backside. So i decide that i was going to get 2 friends to pose for me, one male one female both shirtless showing their backs. I absolutely adored the way they came out and I put so much work into getting the lighting just right so I was really excited to hand them in and show him how my photos have improved. That all went to shit. He accepted the picture of my male friends shirtless back, but when he saw my other friends back -the female- he got very upset with me and shook his head saying how it was unacceptable for me to do that. He told me he never wanted to see me do that again or he'll write me up. Why is this okay? Why is it acceptable for a man but not for a women? It's art isn't it? What happened to freedom of expression?

I'm also just gonna lower all my expectations because I get my hopes up for nothing, then I'm always let down. I'm fucking sick of it.