#ii4y

Hi there; you asked this in August, and now it’s October. I waited so long because I didn't have an answer for you. And I still don’t know if I have an answer for you, but I think I’ll try anyway.

I want to first say that having final thoughts on II4Y was infinitely easier because of the nature of the story. Nothing happens in II4Y besides a conversation over the span of three days; and it’s a story that brings Kim and Porchay together and makes them part and then brings them back together when Kim is ready. (Even though II4Y is technically canon divergence, it could very well still take place after canon because I don’t believe Porchay needs to respond to the video. They just need to see each other, and that same spark/intensity from episode 4 would reignite, and that’s still up to Kim to do, in my opinion.)

Thoughts on YLTTL are different. One, I wrote from Porchay’s point of view, and while he’s not innocent or oblivious, he chooses to remain blissfully passive about the many inconsistencies with WIK. Porchay knows there’s something more to WIK, but he never asks because he knows that he’s not going to be WIK’s photographer forever. He knows he’s on a time limit. He has always known that; he’s ready to leave from the beginning of the story. @emberfaye asked me what the first part of Chapter 1 means and when it takes place. In that section, Porchay thinks about how unlucky he is to have the perfect subject because there's nothing to perfect. There is an ending; Porchay assumes the ending to all of this is WIK gets famous and moves on from him. So he's prepared (and maybe, in a meta way, this was my warning to readers to also prepare for the ending of YLTTL.)

The person who’s unprepared is Kim, and that’s borrowed from canon when Kim is looking at the polaroids of KimChay. And in YLTTL, I capitalized on that. He’s wildly unprepared for the fact that even the nicest feelings or moments don’t last forever. He's also unprepared in regards to the lies he tells, both in canon and in YLTTL. But he should be. He’s in the mafia. He knows nothing is permanent. But in YLTTL, he’s not ready for his music career to take off or even to leave the mafia. Chay is ready for the ending, though; he counts down the days every chapter. So, I guess the first thought is this idea of time: how much do you have of it? When will you be ready? When is the right time for whatever is it that you want to do?

Two, even if they were ready, circumstance isn’t on their side. This is just a fact of life. Kim asks Chay if things would have been different if they met at a grocery store. YLTTL was based on the idea that even in an AU, Kim and Chay don’t end up together. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. I personally don’t think the canon ending of KimChay means they don’t love each other, and I think I wrote YLTTL to explore that idea a bit more deeply.

Three: And like I said in this post about Amelia, there’s a (potentially harmful) narrative that you should stop loving someone once you’re not with them. Oddly, I think I love Amelia more than ever; I can safely say she still cares about me too! But we know it’s better to move forward and to accept that there’s no love lost. She’s not this ghost in my life. I talk about her with my current partner. I dedicate IRL works and fandom works to her. This surprises people, but she’s not just a muse. Similarly, Chay is not just a muse for Kim. They are always going to be tangled with one another. Their story doesn’t end just because things like marriage, distance, time, circumstance, exist. Kim is going to find Chay in every crowd, every hotel room, he’s going to hope that every person behind every camera is Chay, and Chay will take everything he learned about photography and apply it to every subject that comes after WIK, he’ll admit to people that he wishes he could photograph WIK some more, he’s going to hold his breath every time he opens his camera bag and then sigh in relief when he doesn’t see anything from Kim there because that means Kim is doing what Chay asked him to do. And even when they can’t see each other, they don’t have to go very far to see each other. The photographs will always be there. You don’t have to see love to feel love, in my opinion. Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you’re alone.

Ahhh thank you for reading I'll Ignite For You! So happy you enjoyed it!

Okay, so here's the thing about II4Y. The last chapter was supposed to be a lot longer. The original chapter was like 13,000 words long, and it included some stuff from Chay's point of view. More importantly, it had an explicit scene in which Kim and Chay talk about that picture and then fuck. :) So the short answer is no. Chay does not technically date while in America. I took a lot of material out and posted a shorter version on Ao3.

Long answer: In the chapter that's posted to Ao3, Kim asks Chay if he talked to Yok before coming here, and Chay confirms, and Kim knows that they must have talked about sex. That's why he says they're sleeping separately. The sex is implied, and Kim and Chay do not talk about America, and the story ends as it does.

However, in the original draft, there is a very long explicit scene in which Chay wakes Kim up because he can't sleep, and they end up talking more about how Chay planned to jump Kim's bones as soon as he walked in the door. (Chay admits to asking Yok for advice about this.) Kim, of course, can't hold back anymore and asks if Chay dated in America. They talk about the picture of the guy kissing Chay's cheek, and Chay explains how that picture was taken. There's a whole original character I made named Wesley (Wes for short) and Wes takes interest in Chay. They're in the same program, blah blah blah. They go to Koreatown, get absolutely smashed on soju, and Chay leans in and kisses Wes, and then he realizes he only wants to be with Kim. Chay apologizes to Wes, Wes is perfectly okay and fine with it all, and says that he'll visit Chay in Thailand some day (and he'll come hoping that Chay is still single.)

Kim is perfectly okay with this because he has Chay now, and after, Kim fucks Chay to high heaven, literally all night, and then the story ends as it does.

I took out the explicit scene because I was unsure how people would react to it? I know that sounds kind of stupid? But the story was rated T and to jump all the way up to an Explicit rating seemed like a lot. Also, who the fuck writes a 13K word epilogue? So I just took it out. Lol.

I've had people (looking at you shou) ask if I plan to post that explicit material, and tbh, I don't know? Maybe I will? I'd have to edit it and see how confident I feel, but who knows. Maybe it'll happen some day. Anyways, thanks for reading so carefully! It's like one scene, but I loved that you took the time to ask about it. <3

Fun fact! Wes is based on The Woman, a real life friend of mine! So that means Wes is stupid hot, super nice, really artistic, plays violin, and really funny, and Chay still chooses Kim. 🖤

This is like two weeks late but I honestly had no idea what you meant until I reread the first chapter of I'll Ignite For You HAHAHA. Plot twist! I work for BOC!

I can’t believe my first longer fic for KinnPorsche is completed. As someone that only writes short/flash fiction, I wanted to take some time and write my thoughts down about I’ll Ignite For You, mainly because so many comments and conversations about KimChay in the series (and by extension, II4Y) are centered around one question: When will Porchay forgive Kim?

I think I might hold off of publishing the newest AU/KimChay story I’ve been writing and kind of dive back into the II4Y verse, maybe post some of those scraps. Finish up any WIPs that are already live on Ao3. 

Also, I love that Chay left behind ways for Kim to pick himself up. The notebook, the studio, little tasks.

Arghh I love it. Sorry I just have leftover feelings 💛

HELLO HI this is galaxy brain thinking!!! I've actually never looked up the Thai lyrics to Goodbye is Not Goodbye but even the title is just really fitting for them in that moment. It also is reflective on how they're not totally together yet, but the intention is that they will be, eventually.

I'm really glad you enjoyed those bits! I think Kim would need a lot of guidance with reconciling with Chay, and even though there are no Dom/sub labels or undertones to the story, Chay is taking control of their situation and asking Kim to "study" himself. :)