#ihaveleft

when i lived with you and struggled to find work, you never cared.

when i moved out, you didn’t seem to care. you seemed relieved, actually.

in the last year i’ve been gone, you’ve called me only once, to ask if a had a working monitor to spare. no ‘happy birthdays’, no ‘hows college’, not even the usual complaining about things that are, in fact, your own fault.

you have never even pretended to care. about me, about mom. all you’ve cared about is yourself and what you want at any given moment. 

mom is finally filing for divorce and i’m disowning you, and you claim we’re ungrateful and unfaithful abandoners. but this is what you’ve always wanted, right? to be alone, to do what you want to do though you always did just that without ‘having to’ set us straight just because you can. 

so why are you suddenly so upset?

you’re the one who should be grateful to mom, since she’s willing to keep helping to pay for your living. personally, if i was her, i’d just drop you, cut you off and leave you to deal with it all by yourself. after all, the car is in your name, as are all the utility contracts. the house might be half yours and half hers, but let’s be real, even if that is the case, you wouldn’t have let her have the rest upon your death out of sheer spite.

at least the apartment looks pretty good now. like a competent adult with a will to live... lives here. i just need to hoover tomorrow morning and clean one thing and that’s it.  

she’s been happy, and i’ve been happier recently. at the end of november, i started seeing a therapist. between yule and new years i wrote a letter explaining my reasons to him, and cut all contact. the therapy sessions ended at the end of march, but the therapist did leave me her card and encouragment to call immediately if i started to feel worse again.

i’d had plans to keep up saving money so i can move, if not for uni then for better job/social opportunities, but covid-19 got in the way. usually jobs in retail/food businesses here are quaranteed for the warm months, especially with my working-since-high-school-resume, but... not really possible this year. maybe august will bring something but i doubt it.

i think mom expected (or even still expects) me to move out this fall, especially since i did apply for uni. when i spoke about how i wouldn’t actually mind not getting in this year, since i don’t really have any major savings (and i’m only now getting confident in my desire to live past 30, though i didn’t actually say that) and thus no real way to find a place to live, move out and pay for school supplies. she said ‘we’ll figure something out‘, and while my response outloud was like ‘hmm maybe‘, internally... what something? would she take out a loan for that? does she expect me to take out a huge loan before classes even begin?? even though i already took out a small loan so i could get through vocational college without asking for help. i admit i haven’t actually told her about that, but still.

lately i’ve been feeling like maybe mom is finally truly realising, like i have, how much of a ‘failure‘ i am and will keep being. i’m a lesbian, neurodivergent, don’t want kids, approaching my 30′s, don’t have a steady job and still haven’t gone through uni, though i’ve wanted to since i was in high school. i’m not sure if she’s one of those people who think vocational college doesn’t count, i don’t really think so though.

i will move again, not tell the address to anyone for two months at least (because i know if you actually get off your ass and try, you can charm people who’re supposed to know better).