#ifeelawkward

Here I am... Sitting on my couch on a Saturday night with a glass of wine in hand and a Macbook on my lap. This random post is most likely caused by my recent binge watching of “Sex and the City;” only this post won’t be published in a New York newspaper. (Side Note: for as much as those four women drink wine and cosmos, they most likely would not be as in shape IRL. Maybe the loophole is all the sex as exercise? Yeah, let’s go with that.)

I don’t know what to say. Actually, I do, but I think I am avoiding what I really want to write for fear that the one person who has brought on the feelings to write would end up reading what I wrote. That’s awkward. So I’ll be cryptic.

Welp.. 

Honestly, I feel drained. 

I feel like I’ve invested so much into what I’ll now just call “the mirage.” I’ve made up what this relationship was in my mind so elaborately that it has actually sufficed for so long. But that’s changed now. It has taken a couple of situations, conversations and eye rolls that have caused my vision to strengthen and see things clearly for what they really are. Now that my eyes are repaired, I can see what’s going on, but I really don’t understand it. 

Why in the world do I revert to being a weird person who is incessantly aiming to please another person, even if it means lowering myself in the process? This makes me nauseous. I’ll admit that I was pretty gosh darn spineless when I was younger, but dear God, I’m twenty-four years old. I’m educated. I’m married. I have a job. I perceive myself to be pretty self-aware. In other situations, I’d say that I’ve evolved from a lowly jellyfish. I will most likely stand up for myself or speak my mind, if necessary and at the right time. So why, then, do I ALWAYS hunch back in order to make someone else happy? In particular, this ONE person happy? Gross. 

I don’t mean that a person cannot try aim to make another person happy. This does not make a person weak, needy or stupid. I think everyone should be treated kindly! And for those who give their love to a specific person, by all means, go even farther! But it’s different when it’s not reciprocated. 

Therein lies the problem. 

How long should a relationship go on until the lover (not in the sexual way, you pervert) realizes/decides that love bestowed on the receiver (of love [shame on you]) treats the lover poorly? When is the line of a good, understanding person get crossed over to someone who leaves a dormant relationship? If I were a third party to my situation, I would tell myself that I have crossed over the line to enlightenment. Ain’t nobody got time for someone who does not have the time (or effort, energy, etc..), 

What I can equate the feeling to is this: 

I feel like I’ve been stranded, dehydrated in a scorching desert for so long...and I’ve finally been revived by the stick of an IV that has plumped my veins and opened my eyes.