#if eel

      i don’t know.  i feel sick.  my head is wobbling.  my brain is bouncing.  there are people all around me.  loud.  talking about things.  stories of self-made-importance.  some are quiet.  the quiet ones are the couples.  especially the one in front of me.  the guy seems in love.  the girl doesn’t.  as they whisper in silence the guy has his arm around her while gazing into her eyes.  she looks at the table, or no, it’s her cell phone that lies before her eyes.  she’s motionless.  the guy’s other arm is touching her knee and rubbing it gently.  i’m sad for this guy.  he’s so happy right now, but the girl who seems to be his girlfriend is not.  i don’t know why.  i’ll probably never know.  all i have in my mind are guesses.  i’ll let them be.  i don’t want to get hurt anymore from looking at them.

      among the other silent couples there are those people simply sitting solo.  probably doing work of some sort on their laptop.  no stranger dares to make eye contact with another stranger it seems.  that keeps me safe when it comes to my observations.  everyone is distracted.  or do they notice that one guy siting in the corner peeking around?  nah, probably not.  and if they do, they’ll probably forget about me once they leave.  i’m not on anyone’s mind here.  or at least i think so.  of course, i could be wrong.  this little story is probably insignificant.  why, though?  because i’m documenting an insignificant moment in life?  and you know what, as you read right now i question this: who is more important right now?  me?  or the crowd and atmosphere being documented?

      now, as i continue documenting this moment i feel myself disappearing.  like, i’m not here at all.  i’m lost in thought.  lost in writing on what is going on around me.  and it’s like i have this ‘eyeball’ forcefield around me.  it’s sad that no one will enter my space and interrupt the picture.  i say it’s sad because... wait, i just got an interruption.  but, it was via a text from a lady friend.  but, wow, that was actually interesting and exciting for me.  i literally got interrupted via a vibration in my pocket right as i was typing my near-zero chances of getting interrupted.  but, wait wait now.  my little theory or whatever you want to call it i think will remain true.  i just didn’t get to type it all the way out.  so, now, let me tell you what i wanted to write.  basically i’m guessing and betting and saying that no one will dare to interrupt me or talk to me right now and it’s sad because... wait, what, another pocket vibration!?  this is pretty interestingly exciting now.  but, slightly annoying.  but, not really.  what is going on!?  okay, once again, what i’m trying to say is that because no one is interrupting me my little story here won’t have that and won’t have a character that comes into play.  in a way.  do you know what i’m saying?  i’m thinking it, but i don’t know how well i’m expressing it.  maybe i’m trying to say something like this: if i keep doing these stories, wait.  i don’t think i really want to describe what i’m thinking because i have this huge array of thoughts coming in from all directions at full.. and another vibration.. but, okay, i’m saying i have this huge array of thoughts coming in at full speed giving me different perspectives on how to look at various situations of a short story like this describing things and the idea that maybe no one will come into my space can be, wait, i don’t want to get into it.  basically i could describe goods and bads and amazings and sads about if anyone ever enters the current space i have  and see right now.  

      what did i just say or write or type?  maybe you got it.  if you didn’t maybe it’s because i still feel sick.  but no, that’s an excuse.  i felt a rush typing and putting words together.  it’s like my sickness disappeared momentarily.  but, still, i do have tiredness inside me.  i have much to do.  and this story is a temporary distraction from my life and what’s going on inside me invisibly to anyone around me.