I’m also so certain who I am, what I want to do, other people comment on how strong I am and how I’m capable at coping… but I’ve concluded that it’s an illusion, I’m a fraud, a sham.
For the first time in my life I’m admitting I don’t have a bloody clue what I’m doing… Where I’m going, what I want to do, what I enjoy (apart from cheer and the lash!!)) or even who I really am.
I’ve spent so long moulding myself into who I feel like I’m expected to be building upon other peoples wishes and ideals before I even question what makes me truly happy without a single ulterior thought or agenda that I don’t know how not too… I don’t know how I find myself.
Things I fully trust that I enjoy:
Beaches
Dogs
Helping people with advice
Houses
Soft music
Literature and writing
Lie-ins
A thought provoking view
Playing
Even completing that list was difficult and I had to strip away parts other people have left in me.
My dad has always been the biggest influence in my life, despite being absent for half of it. He’s a very focussed and successful businessman in the oil and gas industry and is one of the best managers imaginable even though he’s very harsh sometimes. Being very career driven meant limited time with myself and my younger brother Alex, every time we had him to ourselves we still had to compete with the dreaded mobile. This device that was infinitely more interesting and valuable that our childish company. Therefore to be able to engage my dad we had to say something of interest to him, so talking about serious things like my career ideas and my progress though school/life.
This is where the constant mapping out of my options and career plans as well as securing better grades in class so one could impress him momentarily. I've always continuously enjoyed business in school mostly due to great teachers and generally has the easiest students to get on with in and also offers as a pathway greater financial reward, something which has always impressed my dad which is all I've ever aimed to do. Then each person I've ever been makes me want to change to fit what they want, I know that's not right - I know it's so weak, and not even desired but I'm just very naturally submissive. I've met someone recently who has changed my world around, though I think they've been helping me gradually for a very long time previously. They're incredible, full of wanderlust, immaterialism and goodness - he's the very best and brings out the very best in me. Being with someone who has very different ideals than anyone I've ever been with has been eye opening, they've made me confident in openly perusing a pathway that's been in the back if my mind: being a primary school teacher, then headmistress. And I had fully adapted into the idea, looked into global plans with it, teaching all over, emigration when Jane laughed and looked at me like I was having a mid-(first)life crises! I can never fully trust a decision I can make so quickly because I know how capricious I am by nature. Now I'm at a point where I have to make a decision really, living with the girls next year in Cardiff -would be lovely and I can be around my love for another year all brilliant or I could embark on an internship, usually with a pretty guaranteed job at the end of it probably in a large corporation on some high flying pathway. Money vs intrinsic value Greed vs goodness Helping myself vs helping others Providing a better life for my future family vs struggling for years Innovation vs bureaucracy The money to see whatever I want vs working twice as hard to scrimp and save It should be an easy choice, but I'm struggling. Especially with the concept of not disappointing ... Be it myself or others. At the moment I'm on a path to become a teacher, but I don't know what I'm going to feel if I get accepted somewhere like GSK on a placement...
