#icantwrite

Or, I found this amazing Jewish!starks headcannon by @jewishstarks and broke my radio silence on this site by writing a shitty fanfic. I have a lot of feels about this family. 

 In Judaism, death is not a tragedy, even when it occurs early in life or through unfortunate circumstances. Death is a natural process. Our deaths, like our lives, have meaning and are all part of G-d's plan. In addition, we have a firm belief in an afterlife, a world to come, where those who have lived a worthy life will be rewarded.

  Seven

The first day it rains, as if the heavens mourn with them.

  Robb stutters over the Kaddish, the unfamiliar Aramaic rolling awkwardly off his tongue. No one comments. A fifteen year old should not know how to say Kaddish. By the seventh day he knows it by heart.

 Jon doesn't sit shiva, he can't, he’s just a nephew, only a son can sit shiva ( what about good as a son? What about the only father I’ve ever known?) the law doesn't care. He says Kaddish anyway.

  Sansa distantly wonders how she can care about her appearance right now,(tear stained face, no makeup, no showering all week, Same clothes) staring at the rip in her shirt, the one she did herself,  the one she’ll have to look at all week.

  Arya has friends. lots of friends. They crowd around her in her grief but they fade to meaningless noise because her life is over (she’s never felt more alone, not ever)

 Bran sits listlessly on his uncomfortable chair because he can't get up, not even if his legs worked, and for once his family understands how he feels not being able to get up and walk to the kitchen for a bagel. The thought gives him no pleasure.

 Rickon is scared and confused (where’s papa i want papa when is he coming home) and he doesn't want to sit and listen to people talk and give him food all day (Why isn't he coming home) and he cries and throws fits but it doesn't work (Why did you leave us?)

 The seventh day the sun breaks through the clouds, watching the starks get up and go outside for the first time in seven days. (Where do we go from here?)

 Thirty

 She watches her sons say the prayer she doesn't understand for a month. She watches her children laugh and fight and grieve and she wonders why she can't, why all she can do is bury herself in preparations for the gravestone ( Beloved father and husband, a pillar of his community, a man of piety and charity taken to soon may his memory be a blessing) and he was her partner, her rock for so long that she doesn't know how to process existing without him ( we need to make decisions about  the unveiling,we need a minyan we need to make sure it's wheelchair accessible we need we need) We need Ned back. The thought hurts her more then she is willing to comprehend, so she buries it ruthlessly and goes to comfort her children(she needs to stop being so strong on of these days. Today will not be that day, it can’t)

 ותייה נפשו צרורה בצרור החיים

 Twelve

 The year goes by. They get used to not listening to music, to skipping out on dances and trips. Sansa’s bat mitzvah comes and goes ( she sobbed hysterically when she remembered she was turning twelve- Father made it to Rob’s bar mitzvah, and Jon”s, it's not fair ,It's not fair) Her dvar torah is one for the history books. ( She had started it with father, but he never got to finish it)

 The holidays go by, one by one,Shavuot and Tisha b’av and  Rosh hashanah and Yom Kippur ( haven't we atoned enough this year?) and Sukkot and they don't have to say yizkor, not yet not till next year and then it's pesach and the boys stop saying kaddish every day and then it's been a year .

  They take the day off and drive to the graveyard. They light a candle. They say kaddish for the elevation of his soul.

 Shiva. Shloshim. Yahrtzeit.

a notification buzzes his phone. he quickly silences it. i respect him in that moment—he didn't mind who or what it was, this moment held more weight. it mattered more.

"...you know," he starts, placing down a now-empty glass on the counter with a faint clink. "i've changed a lot since last year."

maybe a little too much, is what i want to say, though i keep it to myself. 'arrogance ruins relationships', it what my grandpa used to say.

instead, i mutter, "yeah. you did."

a second or two passes. scott's fighting lucas lee on the tv, though neither of us are watching. the gears are turning in his mind and i can see them—rusted, tattered, though somewhat in motion.

"...i think you're going to change a lot this year, too," i whisper, enough to shield it with my breath, though loud enough for him to hear. he always does.

"..yeah," he doesn't deny it. in his mind appears the girl of his dreams, highlighted in pink and jewel-studded. how he would give up just about everything for her.

just about everything.

i catch him drifting. "all of our friends are going to change this year," i lean back into the couch, allowing the cushion to envelop me. "...and i'm not sure if i'm going to like it." vulnerability drips from my tongue, and i know he can see it.

"but you'll change too, you know," he reasons, picking at the stray fibers of the bean bag that has him swallowed up. "even if you don't think you will."

"...i'm not sure if...i'm ready for that either," uncertainty spills from all openings of my mind, slits he used to aid in mending. now, they're exposed, dripping down the base of my neck in a desperate attempt to reach my heart, though already too far down.

finally, he turns. stares me dead in the eyes—unwavering, unaware. "i get that," he shrugs, smiling. "but that doesn't necessarily mean a change for the worse."

and with that, the dead light in my living room flickers, he turns back to the tv,

the tentative tone, somehow prominent from the rest of the orchestra, serves as a warm, gentle embrace in the crisp air of winter. once a fiber is missed, her voice trembles, fragile, anxious. the faint stutter quakes my heart agonizingly.

her voice is that of a fairy's, timid, sweet, laced with a hint of curiosity and wonder which differentiate her sound from any other.

i attempt at any humorous remark for the simple purpose of hearing her laugh. pure, full, and euphoric. i think to myself occasionally, am i all that funny?

with her, everything feels alright. everything feels fine. the world will remain spinning and in orbit,

as long as by the end of it, i hear her voice.

I don't understand time.

But once. I read that the sun rays we see, are actually from eight minutes ago. 

Because of the distance, the light takes eight minutes to reach our eye, and with more distance with an object, more time until the image reaches us so we can see it. That's why when we see the stars, we are actually seeing what they were 8 or 9 or 10 years ago. Because of this, Scientists say that if someone watched the earth through a telescope from 65 million lightyears away, they could still see the dinosaurs.

I find comfort on knowing that.

If someone were watching the earth from millions of lightyears away, they could be watching the most beautiful and terrible moments of humanity, they could see everything that has ever happened on the history of the world, and it gives me hope because that means that they could see me,as well. Right now the moment I was born, or when I gave my firts kiss, or yesterday when I watched a movie, all of those moments could be seen from some place in the universe. And when I am gone, I know at least my image won’t be erased completely, somewhere, someone could still see me laugh and cry, and, as the universe is big, my existence on this universe will remain. 

Screw the lies,  Fuck my “ties” I tried, usually with tears in my eyes

To be like those hoes I gave every dose Unfortunately, I could never come close

Now, years later,  I’m not a hater, But never again will I cater

I beat the race, I know my place Yet you look at me like I’m bloodstained lace

“I have learned recently is that it is not enough to just crush your enemies. You must also make an example of them, and next you have to completely bury them. I used to try and be the benevolent type but realized that this was selfish of me. I cared more about my ego and reputation than I did the future and legacy of the people I lead. For this I am sorry to you all”