#ican'tspell

I start by checking my eyes for any cuts or discoloration. Then I step back and take a good look at myself. My eyes work there way up and down my body, looking for any signs of concern. I have to feel for lumps now after my large intense mishap.  My hands work their way down my face, my neck, my chest, the scares on my stomach, all over my body.

Three times a day, I have to do this. Sometimes even more.

I have anhindrosis. It’s a genetic disorder that allows me to feel no pain. Well ‘allows’ isn’t the right word. It stops me from feeling pain.

It stops me from a lot of things.

People always talk to me about it, asking what it’s like to feel no pain, they tell me how they envy me. Of course they mean well, making conversation and all but..

I would give anything,

Anything to feel pain.

I’ve tried you know.

On the last day of high school my year went rock climbing.

My year though, not me, I couldn’t go.

The day before I had seen my doctor, Doctor Patterson, I mean my mother and I saw him. I made the mistake of mentioning I had my end of year party the next day and we were going rock climbing. He say that there was no I could go rock climbing, that it would be to dangerous as I have an inability to measure my mussel capability. He said I would tear mussels by lifting myself up and not even know.

  You know,

I wasn’t allowed to go to the park after school. Everyday the kids from my school would head down to Henry Laweson park. I would hear about it at school.. the footy games, the games of kiss and touch.

  Kiss and touch sounds like an amazing game.

  Anyway I’ve gotten sidetracked.

He ask if he could have a word with my mum, Doctor Pattern that is.. my doctor. They stepped outside. And I remember sitting there, I could see them talking. There was a window, like on the door.. and there was a thin blind over it. But I remember I could see my mums silhouette. Through the blind.

I don’t know how I knew but I could see her crying

  And I sat there alone in that room.

  It’s weird..

But I grabbed a pair of scissors from this metal cup on his desk, Doctor Patterson’s desk.

I closed my eyes

And I drove the scissors into my thigh.

I felt nothing

Besides the bone stopping the momentum of my arm.

  I don’t really remember much after that but apparently in your thigh, there’s this massive vein

and that I hit that,

with the scissors.

I spent the next two weeks in hospital.

    I started talking with a councilor from the hospital.

Kathy.. is her name.

I talk to her about a lot of stuff, really like opened up to her, about my feelings.

Which was hard for me.

Growing up I never asked for help, I was just given it, with everything it seemed like.

  I asked Kathy for help.

  Since then things have been a lot better.