#ic!crack

Ezio: I MEAN IF UR WILLING-

So I wrote a fanfic about 2 or 3 years ago with my OCs and the DMC characters and I have an absolute fave scene there even though it’s badly written and I’m gonna rewrite it right now, babes. Also, this is very crack-ish.

Fandom: Devil May Cry

Relationship: Sparda x OC

Characters: Sparda, Daniyal, Mundus, several demons

It had been no more than a day, probably...and Sparda was absolutely tired of Mundus’ villainous babbling. You know, when a bad guy has the protagonist tied or in a cage or hurt and just spends the whole time talking and talking until the hero’s ears bleed? That was how Sparda was feeling. He wasn’t even scared! He just wanted Mundus to feel hungry or tired, maybe take a nap, anything to make him stop talking!

“--Thought you could hide from me. I captured you once, Sparda, and I kept you here for centuries! Just because you escaped, doesn’t mean you’d be free forever! I quite missed this. Talking with you. You may be chained and beaten up and you’re also a traitor but you’re company. You know, one of these days--”

Gods, he’d prefer Dante playing drums for a whole month over whatever Mundus’ was saying. Forget medieval torture! Just hire Mundus to talk with whoever you want to torture and it’s done. Maybe Sparda could profit off that idea? He’d want 45% percent of Mundus’ income. Well, before that, he needed to get out of there, but this time there wasn’t nothing in the room making him go berserk just like the first time he escaped. Mundus’ babbling was pretty close to that, though.

In the upper levels of Hell, there was a lot of noise. Not enough for Mundus and Sparda to hear it, since they were in the lowest levels in a torture room with thick walls, but enough to make the demons in the other levels wonder what the fuck was going on there and if there was a party why weren’t they invited. Thing is, it wasn’t a party. It was a very tall, very buff and very angry dragon who happened to have a small device that could turn into various weapons and he just happened to be good with all of them.

Daniel was literally tearing his way down in the direction Mundus’ “super protected torture room” was. He didn’t even look at the demons he killed. If they got in the way, they were stabbed, pierced, burnt, sliced, it depended on which weapon Daniel was using. What mattered to his the most in that moment was getting Sparda back. He had heard about Mundus’ being a complete asshole, but dumb enough to kidnap his boyfriend? That guy might be the mighty Prince of Hell but Daniel was about to tear him a new one.

“--You think someone’s coming to save you? You don’t have anybody. You had to escape alone, remember? But this time I’m staying here. To stop you from trying whatever it is you did the first time. Remember when we got along? We used to drink tea together. We could do that. It would be funny, wouldn’t it? I also think-”

Was a little bit of silence too much to ask? Was this what Mundus did to Sparda’s allies, he just talked with them until they died of boredom? It was a very impressive method. Sparda could see why it worked. The dark knight almost prayed to whoever would listen to make Mundus stop when the door of the super protected room was opened and standing there was...Daniel? Wait. What?

“Who allowed you to come here?!” Mundus almost roared, looking behind Daniel and meeting eyes with a winged, dark-haired demon. “Deidaaaal?!”

“Sire, with all due respect...” The demon took a deep breath and pointed a sharp claw at Daniel. “That fucker over there just teared his way down here on his own and defeated everyone up there who got in front of him. If you think I’m suicidal enough to not open the damn door to this fella, you must be crazy. Hasta la later, assholes!”

That said, the demon flew away and the door closed. Huh. That was easier than Daniel thought. Before Mundus could open his mouth, Daniel simply sighed and crossed his arms. His...very bloody arms. His hands were way bloodier. Did he crush someone’s skull with his hands? Probably.

“Mundus, right? Listen, dude, we can do this in two different ways. You let my boyfriend go immediately and I won’t have to kick your damn ass OR I’ll show you how I do shibari. But the rope I’ll use for you will be your own intestines. We clear on that?”

“Such insolence! In my younger days this kind of disrespect didn’t happen! You youngster and thinking you can get here and talk to yours elders like that! I’ll have you know--”

Aaaand the ranting resumed. Great. Daniel looked at Sparda and gestured towards Mundus.

“Does he...does he know I’m possibly older than him?”

“Darling...Just, do me a favor? Kick his ass. I can’t listen to him anymore.”

“On it.”

Mundus really didn’t pay attention when ranting, huh? Daniel got close to him rather easily and--Oh.That will leave a mark. That one will DEFINITELY hurt tomorrow. Wow. Sparda would almost feel sorry if he didn’t hate Mundus’ guts. When did Daniel learn how to use a greatsword? Nevermind, he had experience with it. Mundus was in a baaad shape...

After a few minutes, the shackles holding Sparda fell. He could walk on his own, but that didn’t stop his boyfriend from picking him up and carrying him away from Mundus’ whimpering body. Note: Never get between Daniel and him. You could end up like Mundus. Or worse.

“Daniyal, darling? Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“How did you get past Cerberus?”

Daniel paused. Sparda took the opportunity to look around. There were several headless demon bodies. His boyfriend was amazing.

“I...fought them of course. Very tough fight. They were...seriously powerful.”

“Daniyal, did you go and just pet Cerberus?”

Daniel opened his mouth to express how hurt he was his boyfriend would think he was lying but then Sparda arched a silver eyebrow and he ended up just pouting.

“...Yes, I just went and pet Cerberus.”

“Of course you did~”

“Don’t make me drop you--”