My baby, my love, my other half, never leave me again 😭! Merry Christmas to everyone !

To someone who I never really understood their personal vendetta, gripe, and rupungance correlated with my presance

It was persistent and consistent

But I slowly accepted it was never for me to understand

Because those emotions can only reside in a state that is in much worse condition than the harm they attempt to exude.

Originally I planned to leave a bouquet with a hand written letter for them, but then I just scrapped the idea. I'll leave my words here to lay and hopefully they can find meaning to someone who needs it.

“Ive never loved you but every word I express is out of love. Ive set myself free, grown to forgive and establish my moral compass. I want to encourage you to build comfort in your selfish nature to ensure you never become taken advantage of in those ways again. Understanding “Regardless of how spiteful I may feel, speaking to the partner of another women is just as disrespectful to my self as it is to her true love ” Is crucial in moving past your past. You deserve a real love, but you will not find that trying infiltrate a relationship that was never open to you or by trying to ‘embarrass’ two people happy in they’re love. Do not compete where it doesn’t compare; rather create something greater beyond your thoughts and dreams. Hopefully, just like these flowers you can grow into something that leaves your genesis unrecognizable.

Selah

I know overcoming adversity can be painful but its possible

This was my attempt at,

Allowing my empathy to override resentment

And surrendering my ego.

Early am yap to tumblr

village vs ‘community’

I have a very much love-hate relationship with where I was raised. Not so much the geographical structure. Lots of beautiful parks and bodies of water, a good balance of greenery and urban living, I’m 15 minutes away from every border state surrounding me so mini roadtrips and going across bridges just to see beaches I’ve never seen or trying out new food places has never been a hassle. Without the beauty nature has created for me to build a habitat in and find refuge in, I honestly feel I would despise my hometown. If it weren’t for the security and unconditional support my family has provided my entire life, I really do feel like I would be an inadequate young adult. Throughout all misfortune, internal adversity whether that was emotional or just feeling my feelings as a teen girl of color, or external adversity such as money, car accidents, finding jobs, and what I want to do with my future, my family held me up. One thing I learned from being on the internet that my family didn't teach me is that community means a lot to a lot of people ;but it never had a lot of substance to me. My parents were a unit who balanced each other, my mom nurturing and more emotional, and my dad more stoic, logical and they both are extremely intelligent going into the MRI and X-ray departments respectively for their careers. But it was just them and my extended family. No “auntie who I went to high school with” or “uncle from back in the day” it was just the two them. And that made me realize I can have everything I desire with the one person I love by my side. In my love life I always strived for someone who I'll be with “forever” obviously inspired by them. My village was always my bloodline but stepping into growing up I realize how unlike my peers I'm not surrounded by friends. My experience with community (outside of my bloodline) throughout my life has been anything but smooth sailing. Actually the opposite. From fall outs, to ghosting friends and I even went as low as arguing on twitter. I have one person from middle school who has remained on my team for this long ( 9 year streak 😇) and through all of this it's made me realize that I can't create value for people who don't have value for me. Having such a rocky road with friends its given me a lot of time to establish my moral compass, outside of peers beliefs or even my families beliefs. ‘I know what I don't like and what I don't want for myself or my future, and I have no problem walking away from what doesn't serve me but what do I want? What would be ideal and what is that standard? Do I meet that standard I expect to receive?’. After really looking inwards I would be frustrated with situations I should've never put myself in to begin with. Me dropping my moral compass for smaller, temporary things like a seemingly good convo or a good laugh ended up landing me in situations where my information got bradded across the internet, getting in arguments with people who I never wanted to argue with and overall creating a breeding ground for disrespect, compassionless banter , and a will for vengeance on both sides of the table and. Ergo never a good ending.

It's really unfortunate to me that I'm unable to have community surrounding me but I've grown to accept I'd rather be isolated and wait to find those who believe in morality and compassion than sacrifice my compass that has guided me this far in life for someone who has yet to establish one for themselves.

People always say “I'll pray for you”