I Am Odd
Some members of my family and a sum of others (random or friends) have all asked me questions that are just about the same from each of them. "Why are you on your phone all the time?" "Do you ever get off your laptop?" "Do you ever leave your room?" "What is so great about the people you watch?" "Have you made any real friends yet?"
And just about the same thing happens with comments from them. "You are wasting your time watching those videos." "You are never going to get anything done by being on your laptop all day." "You should really go out more." "You'll actually make friends if you just talk to people."
There are so much more comment and questions than this, but it's just easier to pick these. And they all come from them not really knowing me. In fact, my dad, step-mom, and sister are probably the only ones that know what really goes on in my head. Even my BEST friends aren’t really allowed to know everything. For now, I choose to this as okay. I'm much to vulnerable and susceptible to bullying that I don't like close people knowing. Which extends to strangers, but there is something odd to this.....
This only pertains to physical people. People that I see in real life, and around me. I can’t explain it, but real people just aren’t my thing. It’s weird, there’s something about it that I don’t trust. Or something. Even I don’t really know. I just find solace in being reserved and on here and other places anywhere “social media”. Because I don’t like what I feel.
I am constantly on the edge, that tiny voice never shutting up. I’m not allowed to be normal for one damn day without being reminded how cruel people can be. I always get the feeling of judgement and disgust. I get this feeling that all people ever think when they see me is, “Disgusting thing. Why is she here?” “Can’t she be fat and ugly somewhere else?”
More and more flowing through my mind. I get the feeling when I go to eat, on the bus, walking to class, everywhere. But with my laptop and phone in hand, that goes away. My sheltered cocoon goes away, I can be me.
More strangers online know the real me, my personality, my interests, my writing, what I go through. And it makes me happy. I am happy with this, and I still can’t explain why. I have a box as my profile on here, but other places people know what I look like, know my name. And it’s okay, it’s great. I can communicate better with people through the internet better than I ever had when I first met someone in person. I could have one message conversation with you and remember your name and what we said and really want to keep you as a friend.
I am odd. Because I connect with strangers online, more than I do with my classmates, housemates, and roommate. More than I do with most friends and family. And it’s okay.
I am proud of the fandoms I am a part of. I am proud of the YouTube communities I am a part of. I am proud of the people I meet through them. Because these are families that we all deserve to have, we stick together, we be friends, we are okay.
I don’t know how many, if any, people read this. I don’t know how many will be supportive. I don’t know how many will attack with reasons I’m messed up over this. But because this isn’t in person, I don’t care. Because I want it to be said, I want people to try to understand.
And I want people to be okay with their fandom and YouTube families. I want those YouTubers to know how much they mean to not only me, but to all of us.
We are odd, and it’s okay.
We are family.
