#iamgad

1 in 4 people are affected by mental illness. 8.6 million adults have suicidal thoughts. 1 in 30 people experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death. Children with anxiety disorders are less likely to receive treatment. People of color have less access to health care.

So let’s talk about the “Shadow”.

First of all, the shadow is a metaphor for my anxiety. While in therapy, it was suggested that I give my anxiety a physical being in order to help visualize and re-function the process of my brain.

To me, it feels as though my anxieties are a shadow that looms over me. If I succumb to it, the shadow grows larger and consumes me. Hence my metaphor decision.

I didn’t know it was a shadow for the longest time. In fact, most of the time I just kind of assumed everyone felt as “heavy” as I did. It’s hard to realize what “normal” is when you have never been “normal”. All my life, as long as I can remember, my days have been filled with worry, fear, and doubt.

But as dark and dreary as that all sounds, I have been learning to deal with it. The first step was to visualize my anxieties, here comes the “shadow”, and acknowledge that they are real. This is not as easy as it may sound! And it did take some time, but with a bit of help from my wonderful support team here at home and in therapy, I learned.

The next step was to really get inside of my own head and thoughts to decipher if my worries and fears were warranted or not. Being that I have never actually stopped to really think about whatever it is I am worrying about, this made for a difficult task, and still does sometimes. But I’m managing, and it is getting easier with time and patience. I’m putting myself in far less time out’s these days!

Now, anxiety disorders are different for everyone, and can stem from many different places. Mine has a lot to do with my childhood and early teen years. So along with dealing in the now, I also have to deal with the past and how it affects the now.

This brings you up to date with where the shadow and I stand right now. I see it, I recognize it’s realness, I rationalize my thoughts, therefore shrinking the shadow. I also know that the my anxiety will always be with me, just as your shadow is, changing size but never disappearing. And I accept it.

Some of the past was easier to deal with, the younger years it seems. Knowing and believing that I was just a child, and these things were out of my control. Understanding that what I was used to as normal and the things I accepted as normal were not that of a typical childhood. Accepting that it is ok to love your parents for doing the best that they could at the same time as understanding that maybe they weren’t the right things to say or do.

It’s the past that doesn’t seem that long ago that troubles me still.