#iam25

The average person loses

Their virginity in high school

I am not the average person

I am 25 years old and still a Virgin

Have I had opportunities to lose it

Of course I have but to be honest

I have never trusted anyone but one person

With that part of myself.

I have always had this vision

In my mind of the person I will lose it too,

I used to think I had to be in love to do it

But now I have matured I know that

It doesn’t have to be love but

At least a strong like,

I want that fairytale first time

Roses on the bed, He takes it slow

Makes sure everything he is doing is ok

That he isn’t hurting me. With romantic music

In the background, just candles for lighting.

Is that going to happen, probably not.

Hopefully he will be gentleman enough

To ask me if everything he is doing is ok.

That he isn’t hurting me.

The rest, is fairytale, movies putting

Unrealistic visions in girls minds of sex.

Have I done other things, Yes.

If talking baseball terms, I have

Gone all the way to Third base.

DO I want to experience it

Of course I do.

I have heard it’s one of the most

Exhilarating things.

I also heard it’s a great calorie burner

Haha.

I am trying to lose weight.

All in all,

Yes I am a

25 year old Virgin,

Rare, but out there.

I want people to know my story.

I want people to learn from it.

It’s ok to say no, if you feel

You're not ready, just because your

Friends are doesn’t mean you have it

All my friends lost it either in high school

Or right after, I have kept it this whole time

A list:

The phrase “Was *insert scenario appropriate name* your nickname in high school?” Example: After eating Nutella and someone has it all over their face “Was Nutella face your nickname in high school?” Actually works for anything. 

The phrase “Isn’t this your favourite song?” When a song that clearly isn’t their favourite plays in a public place. I’m assuming this works really well for Nickelback and Chris de Burgh songs.

“Here they come/there they are” The game you play when you’re waiting to meet someone and think or say “here they come” or “there they are” when someone that isn’t them approaches. THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY THE BEST.

“They did the voice of Wilson in Castaway” This one is really good if you’re watching a movie or TV show with someone and they see an actor that they know is from something else, but they can’t, for the life of them, place it. In the absolute peak of their frustration, you announce that the person did the voice of Wilson in Castaway. WILSON IS A BALL. THAT’S WHY IT’S FUNNY.

Farts. Farts are hilarious. I have a weird relationship with farts though. List of people I can fart in front of: Matt, mum and brother. It actually ends there. It really doesn’t matter how close we might be, it’s not a reflection of that at all. I just can’t do it in front of anyone else because it’s gas coming out of your body that smells and makes a noise and it’s just SO inappropriate but hilarious. Fart sounds are also amazingly humorous. I think it’s the same with if you walk out of Bras ‘N’ Things and everyone stares at your chest. They know you were in there because you have boobs. Farts are like that maybe?

Using Phallic objects as...well...a phallus. This goes for cucumbers, salami, anything. You have to hold it there with the straightest of faces for maximum effect. If a banana and two tomatoes are anywhere near each other, you can also probably imagine what I do. This rule applies to things that are like boobs, probably.

PUNS. Puns are amazing.

Restaurant pun names that Matt and I work tirelessly to create with friends of ours. I don’t want to disclose any here, because this is probably our future career path. It’s the sort of thing that, when you come up with a good one, you text it at 2am, because it can’t wait. Train station pun names are also my life.

Picking the lesser of two evils in ridiculous scenarios. Example: “Whose butt would you rather squeeze; Nicolas Cage or Gary Busey?”