So, hi, the blog’s admin here, Nico. This post is maybe late, maybe it’s not even needed, but I really need to get things off my chest? So after a discussion with my dear @bl-archer (I love you lots thank you so much for your advice) I’ve decided it’s best to do this. I’m gonna put this under keep reading because no one needs to have a long ass post on their feed.
As most of the people that have interacted with me (especially when this blog was on a blast two years ago, whew), know that I used “he” as a preferred pronoun. At the time it was the most fitting pronoun for me because I was presenting as a guy, I was 100% comfortable with it and I was quite dysphoric (as in I was having severe gender dysphoria). The people that know me more personally know that during that time I was physically presenting as masculine as I could, even if that meant dealing with transphobia from people in real life and from my family (who I never actually came out to, just the fact that I was ‘looking like a guy’). I made this side-blog before my last year in high-school and in the first year it brought me so much happiness. I was engaging with so many people, making so many friends that I still feel so, so close to me.
In the meantime I’ve been through some things, I’ve put the blog on private for a while, I’ve got into uni, I moved out of my parent’s home, I made new friends in the new city, my self esteem got up a little bit. And my perception of my gender changed. I’ve realized I don’t feel as ashamed of my body anymore (I’ve lost around 10 kilograms which did make me feel more confident), of it’s components. I don’t hate it anymore.
I do think that in high school I’ve experienced gender dysphobia, because every time someone was calling me by my full name, was using “she”, I was feeling like I want to crawl out of this body. Now I don’t feel that anymore. I’m just as comfortable with “she” as I am with “he”. I don’t really have a preferred pronoun anymore (tho I find ‘they’ to be the most fitting for me). I learned more and I decided that if I had to choose a label, non-binary is one that fits quite well.
I began to experiment with my feminine side again, look at it with different eyes. Began to love it too.
In the end, the reason I wanted to make this post is because lately I’ve been feeling like I was lying to the people that I care about on here, and there are a bunch. I was feeling like I was lying to every new follower that I have (btw, when did y’all get to 3k??? I was truly overwhelmed with this number, thank you thank you thank you). I wanted to be clear with all of you and I also wanted to feel more comfortable coming here and maybe complain about my life outside tumblr.
A big, big thank you to the people that have talked with me on this blog, to the people that engaged with my posts and to the people that decided to follow me. I hope you can still view me as the same Nico. Maybe just a more mature one, because I do feel like I grew a lot during these almost three years.
