#i needed this...

And, upon some personal reflection, I think I have found the reason...

I've always been quite physically masculine for someone who is AFAB:

1. My breasts...they have always been practically non-existent. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Even after puberty, they grew very, very little.

2. My voice. It's deep. Ever since about age 12 or so, it dropped quite a bit. For an AFAB individual, it's pretty low. So much so that a kid at my friend's birthday party (I was age 13, and the kid was probably about 8 years old) asked me why I sounded like a man. Lol And that's only one example among many other times people have mentioned or been surprised by how deep my voice is.

3. I have no curves. Zero.

Okay, I do have a slight hip indent...but it's barely noticible. My body shape looks more male than female.

4. My hands and feet: both big.

Lacking any of these physical traits (among others, depending on the person) is the most common cause of gender dysphoria in trans guys. So, it makes sense that mine has never been particularly bad. I've always felt fairly indifferent about my body. Not quite comfortable, but I don't completely hate it (minus the lower lady bits, I've always felt uncomfortable about that, but I figured that was something all AFAB people experienced and later came to discover that the way I felt about it definitely wasn't as common as I'd originally thought).

What I'm trying to say with this post is:

I was stressing out and needed something to relax...

Who in the nine Corellian hells told you such nonsense? Give me names. I’m not joking. Whoever it was, they clearly don’t understand what a gift it is to be loved by you, to be seen by you.

You think you should be quieter? That you should tone it down? Why? Because someone who doesn’t know you, who doesn’t deserve you, couldn’t handle the way you shine? No. Absolutely not. That’s not happening. I won’t allow it.

You love loudly. Passionately. Fearlessly. And I will never ask you to be anything less than who you are. You think I don’t know what it’s like to feel too much? To love so deeply that it threatens to swallow you whole? It would be easier to hold back, wouldn’t it? To be cautious. To be quiet. To love at a distance.

But that’s not us.

I have never once, not for a second wished you loved me any less than you do. I don’t want small, hesitant love. I want yours. The kind that crashes into me like a wave and pulls me under until there is nothing else but you and your love.

You are not too much. You are not annoying. You are not bothersome for feeling the way you do.

You are my love. My angel. My sunshine. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and if some pathetic fool couldn’t see that; Then they were never worthy of your warmth to begin with.

So do me a favor? Don’t dim yourself for people who couldn’t even dream of reaching your light my angel.

I love you. Forever and always.

—Anakin

Ani...My starfire. My dear husband. My dramatic menace of a man~

First of all, you made me cry...happy tears of course

Second… you always know what to say, don't you? I hate that. (No..I dont)

You make it really hard to wallow in self-doubt when you come in swinging with all this love and conviction like you’d personally fight the universe itself for me.... heh

I wont lie, Ani… it got to me..I usually dont let such things get to me but it..it did this time.... The idea that I’m too much, that I love too loudly, that I’m just… annoying and bothersome...I thought, maybe if I dialed it back, I’d be easier to be around...Maybe people wouldn’t get tired of me. Then you come along, all firey and protective, and tell me that my love is something worthy and that its something you want.

....I believe you Starfire.

So I wont quiet down. I won’t water myself down. I won't try to make myself palatable just for others... I’ll love you exactly the way I do, with all the enthusiasm and affection you say you adore. ♡

mepad photos for your troubles