what if you just keep getting worse?
well, you learn to stop hoping for certain kinds of things, but you also learn to look forward to others. you learn to be flexible about the future but you also learn to find joy in the simplest of moments. you discover how much love and support you can receive from total strangers, and how good some parts of the world are, and there will be parts that are bad and people who will fall through, but you learn how to pick yourself up and keep crawling anyway. You find ways to encourage yourself to do things that others would consider no effort at all, and you take pride in the tiniest of accomplishments
I am starting to cook for myself again after years of avoiding it because I found some advice that actually works for neurodivergent disabled people. I got married last month. I have four cats and a dog and a balcony full of plants I keep forgetting to water, and I am sicker than I have ever beenābut Iām so much happier too.
You spend your whole life thinking āif this thing fails on me the world will endā and then one day the thing fails and you wake up the next morning anyway. You keep waking up every morning anyway, no matter how many things fail, and you learn how to ask for kinds of help you didnāt even know a person could offer, and some days you realize youāre not just putting one inevitable foot in front of the other but youāre living your life.
Youāre alive. People may tease you for being proud of having made it to thirty but itās the biggest accomplishment of your life. You could have died or given up or allowed the misery to take you a hundred times, but you kept putting that foot in front of the other one. You kept waking up.
So yes, you are worse. Youāre never going to get better. But at the same time, you are better than you have ever been in your life.
