#hyut

Alyss couldn’t remember closing her eyes, or even crossing that thin line between sleep and reality. All she knew was the feeling of Will’s skin against her own until she drifted into unconsciousness as smoothly as a snowflake slowly falling from the sky. Part of her expected to have dreams, but she didn’t. Her reality was already better than any dream she could have.

But she woke up too early, when the light was just creeping in their window, and Will’s chest still moved up and down roughly. She woke up with one thing on her mind:

“I can’t lose this.”

Alyss didn’t lift her head off of Will’s chest. It was comfortable there. She was happy, and it was too early to be pulled down again off her pedestal. Think of last night, she told herself. Her heart lit up like a firefly, and for a moment she was high off of that feeling… Then she came down and she thought:

“I can’t lose that.”

And the sunrise outside her window lost its color again. What Will said the night before, she agreed, was true: that if he was going to go, they should do everything they can with each other so they’d have nothing to regret.

But why did he have to go? Alyss didn’t want to save them; that was just the simplified version of what she really aimed to do. It was so much more complicated than that.

She wanted to save Will. When faced with the choice of making their relationship last forever or saving Will… in a heartbeat, she would give everything they ever had to keep Will alive.

That morning, as the sun rose outside their window, Alyss’s mind entered a new age. She was going to do anything to save him. Anything meant anything… even giving up what she wanted second most in the world right now, to lie in bed with him all day like there wasn’t a world outside their room to worry about.

As quietly as possible, Alyss lifted the covers off herself and slid out of bed. Will was sleeping heavily, so it wasn’t that difficult.

She was almost to the door when she heard Will rolling around in bed where her back was turned. Guiltily, she began to turn her head to face him, but he wasn’t awake yet. He had just rolled over, and was hugging the air where she had been.

How her body ached to be there again...

Of course, Alyss wasn’t going to completely abandon him. What good would it do him if he lived having no memories of her? Alyss didn’t regret the night before one bit; their relationship just wasn’t the first priority. It was Will. It was always Will.

If she chose to live out the rest of his days making as many memories as possible with him, that was giving up on him. That was saying there was nothing more she could do to save him and they might as well make the most of it, but there was something she could do. Alyss always lived by the moral that you can accomplish anything if you’re willing to do anything. And she was more than willing, she was committed.

Alyss entered the weaving room and sat down on the bench. She didn’t think before she pulled out the last dress she was working on and morphed her arm into its alternate form. Most of her feathers were gone, but that didn’t go through her head at all when she ripped one from her skin. And another.

I won’t give him up yet, she thought. Not ever.

It wasn’t being weak when she gave herself for another, she told herself. Alyss was so afraid to be weak, but this was the strongest she could be. Strong enough to look death straight in the eye.

The sun came up; rose and floated up off the horizon and sunlight weaved its way through the forest like the white feathers through the fabric. The forest swelled with life. Even the fallen red and yellow leaves hovered up off the ground when the light caught them. It was autumn, and the world glowed like it was spring... It reminded her of Will’s eyes when he smiled.

Will’s breath rose and fell with the breeze outside. In a room across the house, Alyss’s fingers flew so fast she couldn’t see them. She worked tirelessly from the moment she sat down at the bench to the early noon.

I won’t give up on him, she thought, tearing another feather out. Even if I can’t save myself.

In saying that, she knew some part of her was giving up on the idea that they would be together for the rest of their lives. There was a possibility Alyss would live through this, and they could continue on with both of their lives, but if she aimed for that ending she might fall short of saving Will. Nor was she looking to kill herself… she was simply determined to save the love of her life. It was that simple now. Whatever that took, she would give.

The idea of living after she let Will die… just the mere thought made her hands shake and her stomach turn...

“Sunshine lover,

Color of beauty in your hair.

Happiness is the gown you wear.

I would follow you anywhere,

My sunshine lover,” she sang. Her voice was so quiet, the wind blowing in from her open window carried it away before the words reached her ears.

Even if he died happy, it wasn’t enough.

It’s not enough.

“It’s not enough,” she whispered. Alyss closed her eyes for a second, and pushed out some tears that had been waiting on her eyelashes to drop. She hadn’t even noticed them before until they rolled down her pale cheeks. “It would never be enough for me to know you died happily. Not if I can prevent it. I-I love you too much…”

Alyss hid her face away from the heat, burying it instead in the bare skin by Will’s neck. He reached over, took her hand in his, and rubbed his thumb across the bandages that now covered more than half of her body.

“Why?” he whispered.

“I can’t tell you,” she whispered back.

“Alyss…”

“You promised.” She paused, letting the silence sink in before she tried to explain herself again. That was clearly a manipulation tactic, and she didn’t want to win like that. Maybe if he knew what was going on…

No, that was not an option. If he knew, it wouldn’t change anything. It would just make him more determined to stop her.

“Please trust me,” she said. “It’s temporary.”

“How temporary?”

“Trust me, Will.”

More silence. As much as he wanted to force her to stop, he knew he could never do that. She would find a way to get out of it- Alyss was clever, as clever as him or more. And, more importantly… Will wasn’t like that. He prided himself on letting her be independent. Alyss could survive on her own, and Will wanted her to be able to. But did that mean he had to let her hurt herself, if the only alternative was forcing her into something? She claimed it was for the best. Maybe it was; what did he know? What else could he do but take the longer route and persuade her with words?

Alyss tried to mask the pain, but she underestimated how clearly he could see through her… and she overestimated just how transparent he was.

“I love you,” was all he said.

“I love you too.”

He hoped she knew that was code for “please stop hurting yourself”. …She did.

Will remembered a song he hadn’t sang in a while. He was so enchanted with Alyss’s singing that he would rather listen to her than anything else. He sang it to his best friend, once, that winter… when all Will could do was sit with her and hope she was getting better. Right now, while the world outside burst into vibrant colors and died, he sat with the bleeding love of his life; all Will could do was hold her until she got better.

It hurt.

And he sang:

“Sunshine lady,

Color of sunshine in your hair.

Happiness is the gown you wear.

I would follow you anywhere,

My sunshine lady.

Spread a little light around, sunshine lady.

Isn't it true?

I love you, la da da daa.”

Alyss smiled, finally closing her eyes. Will could feel the gentle tickle of her eyelashes against his skin. He could feel everything. He could feel her body growing warmer, even when the fire didn’t change.

“Spread a little light around,

Sunshine lady.

You are the one who lights up the sun.”

They fell asleep.

 Despite all the secrets Alyss was keeping from Will (for his own good, of course), things were starting to look a little less bleak.

Will had said just a day earlier, “I’m feeling a lot better, you know, so don’t be so stressed about it. You never know… maybe it’s not that serious.”

While Alyss disagreed with that last part- this was definitely serious- she had to admit that on some level he was right. He had been sleeping better lately, and he seemed to be in less pain during the day or at night. Maybe he was getting better. She prayed so.

They went into town for half the time they spent together outside of the cabin, and spent the other half alone in the forest. On this particular day, they were strolling through the market, holding hands, and keeping their eyes out for anything that looked good.

It was surely autumn.

The trees were all orange, yellow and red now. The leaves were falling, turning the bland, brown ground pretty colors that made pretty crunching noises under their feet. One more season, and Alyss and Will would be together for a year. Well, Will didn’t know that… but, somehow, Alyss felt like he did. The way they felt around each other made time seem completely ridiculous.

Will was doing so much better than he was in the summer. Maybe the colors in the trees gave him a sense of balance, or calmness… which was ironic, because autumn was all about things falling, or dying. They were dying… but they did it beautifully.

“Feeling alright?” Alyss asked, when it had been too silent for too long.

Will squeezed her hand. “I feel great,” he said. Just those simple words made Alyss smiled; she bent her head down to touch his shoulder, like she was leaning on him. They were walking, though, so it was hard.

Part of her was worried that some person who bought her cloth would recognize her, and the secret would get out. But the other part was smart enough to know that that sounded a little too far-fetched.

“Let’s get something today,” Will said. “Just a snack or something… treat ourselves.”

“Sounds good.” They usually didn’t buy anything. They had to save up every last penny… but one small thing couldn’t hurt.

“I saw a good-looking table the other day,” Alyss said. “I hope it’s back today.”

“I’d think so… What’d they have?”

“Pie,” she answered. “I don’t know if it was the whole pie or just a piece, but I know they had several flavors and it looked really, really good.”

Suddenly, Will grinned. “I actually noticed that, too.”

Alyss looked sideways at him. “Really?” she asked.

“Yeah,” said Will. “I was gonna bring it up, but the line was too long…”

Alyss’s eyebrows shot up her forehead. “I was thinking the exact same thing,” she said.

Will laughed. “That’s so weird… Well, we have to find it now! Wasn’t it over there?” He pointed ahead of them, on the right side (Alyss’s side). “Or just around that corner.”

“I think so! Let’s go before they run out.” Then they were running, still holding hands, to where they remembered the pie table was.

Fifteen seconds ago, Will and Alyss were letting themselves be bothered by a strange, unexplainable, and rather out of place melancholic moment (the last few days had consisted of mostly happy conversations)… The moment wouldn’t leave them. They were trapped, and they didn’t know why. But within fifteen seconds they were laughing again. And that’s why they ran. Not because they might miss their chance to get some pie… but because, when they ran, the shackles that weighed them down broke.

Just like they had speculated, the table serving pie was just around the corner. Will and Alyss talked a lot over what flavor they would get. They had their choice of apple, berry, and pecan pie. Alyss liked apple best, but Will preferred berry, so there was a little bit of conflict there… Of course, it wasn’t an outright argument. It was dramatic, but purposely so.

“Only idiots like berry pie,” Alyss scoffed. They ignored the brief glances other people were giving them.

“Really?” Will asked, with an inquisitive eyebrow raise. “And what grounds do you base that on?”

“Because they don’t like apple pie.”

Will laughed. “No, Alyss… that just means they’re smart.”

“What is that supposed to mean?!”

Will paused, before leaning in to her. He put his lips close to her ear, waited yet another moment for effect… then whispered, “Apple pie is disgusting.”

“TAKE THAT BACK!” she cried.

“I WON’T!” In reality, Will liked apple pie.

Alyss crossed her arms, and rolled her eyes before she closed them. “We’ll have to break up, then.”

Will let out a short, half second laugh, then choked it back because the idea of them breaking up- for any reason- was just so funny. “Really?” he asked. “You feel that way?”

“Yes.”

Will opened his mouth, and took in a deep breath for a long rant about why berry pie was clearly the best pie and subsequently how she shouldn't break up with him just because she was in denial. Alyss enjoyed it too much to stay in character- she smiled the whole way though, even when she retaliated with an equally hurtful insult to Will’s beloved berry pie.

But, unbeknownst to them, somebody was also listening. He was watching from a safe distance, outside his office, leaning against the building; analyzing the situation… He wondered what he should do. He was not smiling yet.

Alyss and Will finally settled on buying a pecan pie, because they both liked it, and it seemed like an appropriate solution to their disagreement.

The table wasn’t selling slices, but full pies, which was what they wanted anyway. It was a big treat, but a well-deserved one.

“We’ll have this for dessert tonight,” Alyss said. Will was carrying it; she leaned down to take a whiff of the top. “It smells great.” She paused, thinking before adding, “Not as great as an apple pie, but…” Will snorted.

“Nice to see you again.” That voice wasn’t Will’s. No, she recognized it… The familiarity of it crept into her consciousness the way a snake slithers into a flower bed, unnoticed at first. Then somebody spots it, screams, and the bed is ruined. Just like that. In a mere second.

Alyss didn’t see the snake until she turned around and met its eyes.

“Doctor…” she whispered. She felt like somebody had just punched her in the gut. Will, on the other side of her, was confused, but he gathered from the context exactly what the situation was: that this was the doctor Alyss had spoken to about Will’s medication.

“Good afternoon,” the doctor said.

“Good afternoon.” Alyss composed herself quickly.

“How’s your husband doing? Is this him?”

Alyss nodded. “It is,” she said. “And he’s actually doing much better since the last time I asked you to save his life and you turned me down.” She hadn’t intended for that to be so salty… but she didn’t regret a single word of it.

The doctor took it well. If anything, it amused him, and Alyss wanted to hit him for that. “I heard you’re making some good money in the market,” he said.

“I am. Enough to pay you someday.” Suddenly, she got an idea. Alyss didn’t take time to think through it like she usually would, but as soon as she got it she spoke her mind: “Is there any chance, doctor… that you could treat my husband, and I can pay you what I have now and give you back the rest later?” Alyss gave Will a half glance, but it was very brief. It was only because she felt like it was polite to acknowledge his presence if she was going to talk about him.

The doctor pushed his eyebrows together. “After the way you just spoke to me?” he asked.

Dammit. Alyss knew she wasn’t always that impulsive, but when she was, it never worked out.

“Alyss…” Will began, but Alyss accidentally cut him off.

“I’m sorry,” Alyss said, to the doctor. “I didn’t mean anything personal- I’m just worried about him…”

“You said he was doing better.”

“Yes, but-!”

“Alyss!” Will exclaimed, urgency clear in his voice. Finally, Alyss turned back to where Will was bent over sideways, holding the pie out to her. His jaw muscles were clenched like if he loosened them he might explode.

Alyss didn’t know what was going on, but she took the pie from his hands anyway. Will turned away from them both, and then started coughing so hard it brought him to his knees.

This particular fit was probably his longest yet. He covered his mouth, making sure not to get any blood on the people around him. The crowd treated him like a rock in the middle of a river; they swerved around him.

He was doing so well… Why… Alyss was just staring. Just staring. So many feelings were going wild inside her, running in strange directions like a scared tornado. He said… He told me he was getting better, but this looks like the worst he’s ever been… she thought. Pain, confusion, distress, desolation, depression… she couldn’t make sense of anything. His hands, they’re… Blood was dripping from the cracks between his fingers.

“Better?” the doctor asked, similar to what she was thinking. “People with a disease like that don’t get better… ever. He’s played… no, you both have played yourselves for fools. Judging by the state he’s in right now, I’d say he has maybe… hm…” The doctor purposely took a long time to think. Alyss couldn’t be on the edge of her seat, because that tornado was still raging through her mind and she didn’t feel anything anymore. She was completely numb. Everything that had given her the slightest glimpse of hope for the past month was flashing before her eyes and leaving her a billion times faster than it had come, and she didn’t know what to do. She felt so… so…

“A month, or two, at most,” the doctor said. “Keep weaving, my lady.” Then he walked away without another word.

Helpless.

Was the torture worth it?

Alyss tried to avoid calling it ‘torture’ to the best of her ability, but it didn’t matter what she called it. A name was just a name, and whatever you called it couldn’t change what it really was. It felt like torture.

 She finished three blankets, and then decided to go into town and sell them, to pinpoint a price for the rest… then, also to find out if they were even going to sell. If they didn’t… she didn’t know what she would do.

Which, again, begs the question, was it going to be worth it?

There was one way to find out. And, yes, she was scared to find out the truth about whether this feat was even possible, but she was even more afraid to never find out.

Alyss set up camp as close to the town center as she could, so it wasn’t the best spot, but it was the best she could find. She knew she would have to work harder to make herself heard, and the fact that she was a woman wasn’t going to help.

“Blankeeets!” she yelled. This was difficult. Yes, she was great at persuading people one-on-one, but in a crowd? What was she supposed to say? “Buy beautiful, handmade fabric here! Luxurious cloth, made with the finest of feathers- real, fresh crane feathers!” Handmade was a subjective term, in this case, but it sounded prettier.

Minutes passed and no matter what she yelled, nobody gave her a second glance.

An hour passed. All the noise around her was getting under her skin, irritating her subtly and subtly until it drove her crazy, like a bad itch. Every chance she ever thought she had was being whittled down in her mind until it was nearly nonexistent. With every passing minute that everybody gave up on her without knowing it, she could feel her childish hope slipping from her fingers.

It had to be worth it.

All the feathers she tore from her skin; all the blood stained bandages on her body… it had to be worth it. No, not had to. It was going to.

She leaned forward, and turned her full attention directly to a passing strange, not far in front of her table but still not looking at her. Not even acknowledging her. It infuriated her to no end.

“Excuse me, sir? Sir!” The man finally turned to her, vaguely annoyed, when he was sure she was addressing him. Alyss said, “Wouldn’t you like to buy your wife a beautiful blanket with real, clean crane feathers?”

The man glanced down at her wares for a half second. “It’s summer,” he said, “why would I want something warm?”

Alyss’s heart sank… through no fault but her own. She should’ve thought of that. Alyss had always prided herself on being a clever person, and she felt embarrassed for having missed such an important detail… She couldn’t afford to mess up now.

But her attention was stolen, when she looked back at the stranger and saw him delicately running his fingers over the feathers.

For a moment she felt some sense of insult, seeing somebody touch something that used to belong to her. But she relaxed, and told herself not to think like that. He was actually looking.

“But it’s rather nice,” the stranger muttered. And Alyss felt her heart rise with a newfound happiness that didn’t go away, no matter how many times she told herself not to get her hopes up. It was better to expect the least, so then you couldn’t be disappointed… but she just couldn’t help herself.

 She returned home in the early evening to Will, who was at the moment preparing an animal for dinner. He wasn’t so focused on his work that he couldn’t turn and smile at her when she walked in; he was happy, even though she hadn’t even told him anything yet. How could he do that? “Hello,” he greeted. “Glad you aren’t back too late.”

After she didn’t respond, he was going to ask the question of “did you sell anything?” (because he knew she was weaving; he just didn’t know about the feathers), but, soon enough, the question was answered for him. Alyss approached him without a word, and put her arms around him… She didn’t have to look at where to put her arms, or where to set her head. It was as natural as knowing where your eyes are on your face, or finding the heartbeat in your chest.

She put her arms around him, and the world left them.

“You’re smiling,” Will whispered. “Does that mean what I want it to? Did it go well?”

Alyss closed her eyes; she smiled wider, and squeezed him tighter. He always asked so many questions at once.

That night, she had sold all three blankets and made more money for them than they normally got in a week.

“Yes,” she whispered back. “It means I’m going to save you.”

 From then on, Alyss weaved clothes and rugs instead of blankets. They were even more popular than the blankets, and people loved them. The price was higher than even an expensive shirt would’ve costed. It was because of the feathers. They were the only reason this was working.

Alyss got comments more often than not on the quality of them; the word quickly spread and people flocked to buy her wares. Soon there wasn’t just a need for more… there was a demand.

This could happen.

Sometimes she left the window open while she was working. Alyss enjoyed the warm breeze blowing in, even though it disrupted the pile of loose feathers.  Day in and day out, she was locked in there, weaving until her hands were bleeding and then some… She needed some connection to the world outside, even if it was just an open window.

Days passed. The wind picked up again one day, cooler than usual. Out of the corner of her eye, Alyss spotted something slipping in the window… She stopped her work for just a moment, long enough to glance over and wonder what it was.

It can’t be fall already, she thought. She stared, speechless, at the lone leaf on her floor. It was deep red, spotted black on the left corner like it was a growing infection. One look outside showed her that most of the leaves were still green, but one look down again told her they wouldn’t be for long.

A sudden knock on her door snapped her out of her thoughts, and made her jump in her skin. “Alyss?” Will said, from outside.

“Don’t come in,” she said.

“I won’t. I promised, right? …Come outside with me. I’ve done all I need to do for today, and you’ve been working overtime for forever.”

“There is no such thing as overtime because there never was a time,” Alyss replied. She smiled, making sure it was more of a joke than it was serious, until she remembered that there was a door in between them.

Will paused, then continued, “Take a break. I’m sure you’ll feel better afterwards.” Another pause. “I miss you.”

That, she couldn’t argue with… nor did she want to.

 Will had asked Alyss before why her arms were covered like they were bleeding. She could avoid the question as well as a shadow avoided the light, but it didn’t fool him. It didn’t make him any less worried. But when he finally had her trapped in a corner and he forced her to answer him, she told him harshly that he was wasting his time, because she would never tell. Then she walked away, and they didn’t talk again until early that night.

That was yesterday. He hadn’t brought it up since then, and he wasn’t going to now. Not yet.

Her hands were bandaged, too, but he held them anyway.

“Did you notice the leaves on the ground?” Alyss asked him, walking with him in the forest. With a wider view, now, she could see that that lone leaf that had floated in her window wasn’t the only one turning colors.

He smiled. “Yeah, I did… I can’t believe fall is almost here. It feels like it’s been so long, but at the same time it doesn’t feel like it at all. Isn’t that strange?”

“It is, but I understand it, I think.” Will didn’t ask what exactly she understood about it, because secretly he understood it too, and he didn’t want to think about it. Much less say it out loud…

It was because they were so close that it felt like they had been in each other’s lives forever. At the same time, it didn’t feel like any time had passed because the more time passed, the more they didn’t want it to, and the closer they got to…

Neither said anything.

Will wouldn’t let this mood settle.

“You know, as soon as more leaves fall, I’m going to build a giant leaf pile and jump in,” he said. “I do it every year.”

Alyss smirked slightly. “Every year? You were a lonely person.”

Will laughed and replied, “I was. But now I have you. And whether you like it or not, you’re jumping in leaf piles with me.”

“They’ll get in my hair.”

“I’ll pick you up and throw you in, then, if you don’t do it.”

“Can you even pick me up?”

Will scoffed. Surely he had picked her up before, at least once. He wasn’t the strongest man in the country but he was fit, and knew he could pick up heavy animals to take home. Besides, Alyss looked light. “I can, want me to show you?” he asked.

He and Alyss stopped walking at once; she held out her arms to him. “Yes, please do,” she said, still holding that small smirk on her face. “Don’t cheat, either- pick me up bridal style.”

“Will do, milady.” Will bent down, placed his arm behind her knees, and, with relative ease, lifted her up into her arms. She gasped, clearly not prepared despite all the talk before, and hugged his neck. “Ha!” he exclaimed. “Told you.”

Alyss laughed, but Will could hear a hint of fear still in her voice. “Y-You win,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” he said. She didn’t have to tell him what she was worried about for him to know. “I won’t drop you.”

“You better not.” Alyss loosened her grip around him, but leaned in closer staring until their noses almost touched.

“I swear upon my life I will not drop you,” Will said. “I would hold my hand against my heart and swear it, but then I’d drop you and I’d have to die.”

“Smart of you.”

Will chuckled, then commenced walking, still holding Alyss firmly in his arms. They talked about everything and anything, and Alyss laid his head on his chest to hear his heartbeat better. She closed her eyes, and thought about her first question: Was it worth it?

Yes, it was.

Their loom was one of the few pleasures they could afford. With everything that had been going on with Will lately, it had slipped Alyss’s mind one of the things she did in her free time. She put herself to work that very hour. She knocked all the dust of the last few weeks off her shoulders and remembered through muscle memory how to weave again. It wasn’t long before she was an expert again.

All of that happened after breakfast. She had to make sure of something before she began.

Will woke up a little later than usual. She expected that, because of how late he stayed up the last night.

Thinking about that night made her heart hurt. She had never seen him that way. Remembering the words he spoke, and the way he held onto her for dear life was like pushing her heart into her stomach.

Don’t think about it, she told herself. Don’t think about it, or you’ll just cry again. It was too late for that… and it was too early to cry.

Then she heard the door open. Will walked out of their room, hair tousled even more than usual (which was saying a lot; no matter how hard Alyss tried to tame it, his hair wouldn’t cooperate with her or anyone) and looking like he just… well, woke up.

Looking at someone when they woke up was, in Alyss’s opinion, one of the best ways to see somebody. All their walls are down, and somehow they trusted you enough to be the first person to see them that day. All naturally. Like that…

Like that, he looked like the embodiment of the forest. He was the warm, fresh air and a clear sky. Beautiful piano music. Rough, unpolished sketches explaining deep thoughts. He was beautiful from all the wrong angles.

Alyss’s heart swelled with love when she saw him. And, just like that, all of her tears were gone. “Good morning,” she greeted. It was now.

 They spoke nothing of the night before. All the things they wanted to say had been delivered and received, and the only thing to do was cry about it. But they wouldn’t do that.

Alyss explained, very vaguely, leaving about two thirds of the important stuff out, her new plan to save Will. He didn’t quite understand it, and she didn’t want him to. But she had one rule:

“While I am weaving, never, ever watch me.”

Will’s eyebrows raised, then came together. He took another sip of his coffee before replying. Will was, for some reason, really obsessed with coffee. He would joke about waking up every day just to drink coffee, whilst completely ignoring his girlfriend’s existence.

“Why?” he asked. “Will you get flustered by someone looking over your shoulder?” He chuckled, a little, as she did the same.

“Just don’t,” she said. “Promise me?”

“Yeah, whatever you ask. I don’t know why, but,” he took another sip, “I won’t look at what you’re doing.”

Alyss smiled. “Thank you,” she said.

Now she could begin.

 It hurt. It did.

If you’re feeling physical pain, then to take it away you can to concentrate on some other form of physical pain… like squeezing your fist together and digging your nails into your skin, or pinching yourself. In this instance, Alyss didn’t distract herself with a smaller form of physical pain. Everything, and all she needed to make this bearable was the thought of Will.

Alyss hissed, tugging at another feather that didn’t come out immediately. She decided to take a break for a second, to try and ease the pain… but every second she spent trying to heal herself she felt Will’s life slipping through her fingers.

She glanced down at her arm, again. No longer was it covered in spotless, almost delicate looking white skin… but instead, gorgeous, snow white feathers. They were her favorite part of herself, and now they were worth almost nothing. Not to her. But to others…

Squeezing her eyes shut, she tore out another perfect feather. Tears were welling up now in her eyes… every time she tried to ignore the pain, it got worse… She told herself she would get used to it in time.

But she had pulled enough now. A small pile of feathers rested on top of the loom. She pushed the other thoughts away so that could concentrate on morphing her arm back into a human’s. Once it was back, she could see evidence of that destructive act. Small cuts ran along her arm, backed by a large, red rash, probably there because of the stress she was putting on her skin. But it was small enough that she could wrap it in a bandage later. Nothing that wouldn’t go away in a day. Tomorrow she could pluck from her other arm.

Alyss began, slowly, easing herself back into the rhythm of incorporating something new into her process.

Once she was getting the hang of it, she began to sing a version of a folk song Will had taught her a few seasons ago… It had been “Sunshine Lady”, but she created her own version, “Sunshine Lover”, which better fit Will and sounded gentler to her than the gender specific version.

“Sunshine lover,

Color of beauty in your hair.

Happiness is the gown you wear.

I would follow you anywhere,

My sunshine lover.”

A smile crept to Alyss’s lips, as she remembered when he sang it to her. He was sitting with her by the fire, one arm around her, the other around their dog. He knew, from her open eyes, that she wasn’t close to falling asleep. And Will didn’t tell her he was singing her a lullaby to make that easier… but he didn’t have to tell her for her to know.

“Spread a little light around, sunshine lover

Isn't it true?

I love you, la da da daa.

Spread a little light around,

Sunshine lover.”

Every night, she would curl up next to him and he would sing to her, whether she was having trouble falling asleep or not. Every night, she memorized that melody a little more. Every night, while the harsh winter raged outside their window, she would try to stay awake a little longer so that his voice would never go.

“You are the one who lights up my sun.”

Alyss smiled, because, in her heart, a tiny piece of hope was glittering. She held up her work in front of her… the first of many. The cloth wasn’t highly priced, but her feathers would be.

But Alyss couldn’t tell that because of his worsening condition. She knew because even though she wasn’t the one who was hurting, she could feel it. She could sense whenever he was in pain. If he was depressed, or struggling to make it through, she felt in her bones that something was wrong with the world. It was like they each had a string tied to one hand, and whenever one of them was in trouble they would pluck the string and even if the other was a million worlds away, they could feel it.

Alyss didn’t know why she woke up one night. The sky wasn’t bright, and Will hadn’t moved. It took her a moment to fully wake up and realize that something didn’t feel right. Her stomach was turning, but there was no nausea. Then she realized…

Alyss turned over to where Will was facing away from her, and put her hand on his shoulder. “Will…” she whispered. She knew he was awake. He didn’t have to talk to her for her to feel him.

His shoulders shook. His body temperature was way off… it didn’t matter if it was a warm night.

Alyss whispered his name again, breaking off at the end. She didn’t know what to say. What could she do?

She couldn’t find a job to pay for the medicine he needed… she’d tried for the past few weeks for a job, but nobody would take her because she was a girl. Well, one job hired her, but it hardly paid anything and it would take a century for her to get enough money. She couldn’t convince the doctor to help him. She couldn’t take his pain away…

Will turned over. He was getting night sweats so badly his hair was soaked, and he was panting hard out of his nose.

Even in the pitch blackness of the room, their eyes met. Oh, his eyes were beautiful...

“How am I the only one crying?” Alyss whispered. “You’re hurting, Will… You’re just as- no, more scared than me; I can feel it.”

“I’m not afraid to die,” Will replied. His tone was even softer than hers. Maybe it was because it was so late, and it was so quiet that Will felt like if he spoke too loudly, it would ruin everything. Or maybe it was because he was spending too much energy on being in pain.

“If it’s with you,” he said, “I’m not afraid to die.”

“But it hasn’t been long enough. We just met at the beginning of spring, and it’s summer. It’s… Time has passed so quickly with you, but it feels like we’ve been together forever. How is that?”

Will smiled. “You know, Alyss… I’ve spent my entire life striving for something, but I never knew what,” he said. “I drew, because I wanted to not create, but discover. I wanted to dig deeper inside the Earth and discover the most amazing things about life. I was striving for the purest form of perfection; love; beauty… something that, no matter what its faults were or how you looked at it, it would always make you happy. It could make you feel something indescribable. Make you forget everything you don’t have, or make you feel like you have everything. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I knew I couldn’t calculate it, like you would something mathematical. It’s in your heart, not your brain. So I drew, to discover what was in there, in my heart… to find what I saw as beauty.” He paused. “I don’t have to draw anymore, Alyss. Because, all this time, you were the answer to all of that.”

Tears were streaming down Alyss’s face. “W-Will…” she sobbed. “Stop… speaking in past tense.”

“I’m not afraid, Alyss.” He reached across her ears and brushed her hair behind it. She loved it when he did that. She loved how gentle his hand felt against her skin. She loved how peaceful he could be, without coming off mellow or boring. She loved how they belonged here.

“I’ve found everything I want in life,” he said. “I just want to be by your side until it’s my time.”

“It’s not your time, Will.” Alyss wouldn’t give up. She couldn’t. The only way his death was certain was if she accepted it. “This isn’t old age, it’s a disease. It’s a disease that can be beaten.”

Will didn’t say anything after that. The string that connected them from the pulses in their wrists was still there, and stronger than ever; right now it was telling them that silence was the best answer. And both of them were alright with that. They didn’t always have to talk- if they had to talk every moment to keep the relationship going, that would be exhausting. A comfortable silence brought them even closer together than words could.

Alyss had one hand on Will’s chest, while his arms were wrapped around her waist. There was an arm’s length of space between them, but that was because it was easier to talk that way. And yet, Alyss felt, in a way, far away from him.

He was on a completely different level. The things he said to her… She felt like he was a being from another planet, full with wisdom and love and light… not from this world, but from the stars. Suddenly she understood even deeper what he was saying about meeting the person you’ve been trying to draw.

But why couldn’t she accept his death? No matter how much she loved him, or how much she could be happy dying with him of old age one day, she felt like this wasn’t enough. They had been together for one season, when they were meant to live for a thousand.

They’d discovered how much they loved each other, but that was the first step. Not the last.

Will had never cried before about his sickness. It was strange, because he didn’t hide his emotions. Not very well, at least. When he was happy, he laughed; when he was excited, he could get silly and childish, and when he was sad, he could cry. So he wasn’t faking strength for her sake. That never lasted long.

At first Alyss thought maybe he wasn’t faking anything. Maybe he was just on a much higher level than Alyss and could accept things like death, instead of being stubborn like her. That all changed when she saw tears falling from his eyes.

He had never cried before.

It occurred to her, finally, that he had been shivering before. But he wasn’t cold, he was sweating.

Now he was shaking like a terrified child.

Alyss wrapped her arms around him, and pulled him closer. He fit into her arms so nicely. His head was laying against her neck, soaking her with tears, and he was still sweating, but it didn’t matter. This was Will. She wanted, and she loved every part of him. When he was in happy, she wanted it. When he was angry, she wanted it. When he was hurting, and crying, and confused, and in pain, she would take him into her arms and love him even more.

Because Alyss remembered when he did the same.

“I’m scared,” Will sobbed. He was holding her tightly. His feelings were pouring out as fast as his tears. “I, I don’t want to die. I want to spend my life with you. I want to watch all the sunsets, and I want to hear all your songs. It’s not enough just yet. Let’s please grow old together; get married, have kids. Or not, I don’t care. I, I don’t want to go this way, please…” He cried harder, trying to bring the words together like he tried to bring together the lines on the paper. “I’m so scared to die.”

 Compared to the next morning, all the other ones before felt like bliss. The conversation from the night before was fresh in Alyss’s mind. She knew she’d never forget a single detail of it for the rest of her life. It was the same schedule, though, and she woke up early to make breakfast.

Every time she felt like she was wasting time, she reminded herself gently that she would be working today. She would make money, but right now she had to eat… and then, every time, she was reminded of how long it would take to get the medicine and how much time she actually had.

She didn’t know how much time she had. And it was terrifying.

She thought it over while she cooked. Alyss needed something much more than what she was doing now, and she couldn’t put off figuring it out anymore. She felt like there was something on the tip of her tongue… something she could do to save him…

Will. Will. He couldn’t leave, no… The thought was bringing tears to her eyes. She felt like her heart was being pulled from all sides, and it took everything she had to try and hold it together.

Nothing came to her. When she was done cooking, Will still hadn’t woken up. She thought she would take a look outside just to see how everything was. Little did she know, that walk to the door would change everything.

A door on her right, down the hallway was open. Alyss hadn’t gone in that room in a while, and for some reason this was a big enough reason to stop her in her tracks and take a peek in. She realized, when she looked, why she hadn’t gone in there in so long.

In fact, she had forgotten all about it. There just wasn’t any time for fun.

For three hours, Alyss had not left his side. She waited, patiently on a chair by the bed, after having cleaned up the blood on his lips and fingers.

He was breathing… which was about as much comfort as she was going to get. For three hours, she tried to calm the fast beating heart in her chest. She knew she did her best thinking when she was calm… and yet nothing seemed to sooth that panic inside her.

Alyss reached her arm out from where it was tucked around her side, and held Will’s hand in her own. His head was warm, but his hands were so cold. Alyss wanted to warm them, but she couldn’t, when she was feeler colder by the minute.

An hour passed.

Alyss fell asleep for a short five minutes, then woke back up again to a still sleeping Will.

Some more time had to pass before finally, Will could start opening his eyes.

“Will…” Alyss whispered. He held Will’s hand again, having let go before she fell asleep.

“Mm,” Will mumbled. He was trying to get used to his body… blinking; stretching his fingers; breathing out of his mouth. “Alyss… Are…” His eyes met hers. “What happened?” he asked.

“You blacked out,” she told him. “You start coughing again, but this time you coughed up blood… then you passed out. I carried you home, and we’re back in the cabin.”

Will nodded. Sounded about right. The last thing he remembered was red… that must’ve been the blood.

“I…” Will started to sit up. His head was still aching, but it felt weird talking while laying down.

Alyss put her hand on his chest, and pushed him back down. She said, sternly so he knew she wasn’t joking, “Don’t get up yet. You still look dizzy.”

“I’m fine. I just have a fever.” Will adjusted the rag on his forehead. He didn’t have to feel his forehead specifically to know how warm his temperature was.

Alyss replied, “Well, yes, to put it lightly. That could explain the dizziness, but it doesn’t even begin to explain the blood.”

“Maybe I just cut my throat a little,” said Will. His voice was coming back to him, now. He didn’t sound as dead anymore. “All that coughing must’ve damaged something. Worn out my throat to the point where it’s bleeding.”

“I… I doubt that. This isn’t something we can just brush off, and assume everything’s okay.”

“I-” Will started to speak, but he was interrupted by a scratching in his throat, like sandpaper. He raised his fist up to cover his mouth when he coughed.

Alyss stood by and waited. She didn’t need to say anything. Her point had just been proven, right as Will was starting to argue with it.

But there was no sassy “I told you so” coming out of her. Any other circumstance and there would’ve been, but every single one of her thoughts were focused on Will’s wellbeing. This cough sounded even worse than the others. It was deeper. Hollower. Like he was bleeding from the inside out.

“W-Will…” Alyss heard her voice waver, and quickly silenced it. She couldn’t possibly be more scared than Will was. Alyss set her hand on Will’s shoulder, but he guided it away.

“I-I don’t know if this is contagious,” he started to explain. “Don’t get too close.” A cough or two later, he felt he was done. He pulled his hand away, and they saw droplets of red splattered on his fist.

Once Will had promised not to leave his bed, Alyss left the cabin and went into town. She left him with a sandwich, made with pieces meat she had planned to cook with that night, and a tiny kiss on the forehead even though he insisted he was alright. At least he wasn’t about to collapse over himself anymore.

But when Alyss got to town, she didn’t go in the direction of the market. She headed to an area she had only seen once, when Will was giving her a tour. She’d never gone there. She and Will always thought that if there was ever a need to visit, they were pretty much dead. But not today.

There was a bell on the inside of the door, that rang when Alyss walked in. It drew the attention of a man, assumably the man in charge, and the one she was here to see, sitting across from her at a desk. He looked up and smiled.

“Hello, may I help you?” he asked.

“Yes, please.” Alyss let her eyes dart around the room for a brief moment- she took in all the scenery before she made herself focus on the man in front. The walls were wooden, scratched over, and unpolished, letting you know that if all possible, you should place your hopes elsewhere.

“You see…” she began, “my husband is sick.”

“Oh?” The doctor put down whatever papers he was shuffling in his hands and folded them in his lap, much like a doctor would. “What exactly happened?”

Will and Alyss weren’t really married. Saying that, though, would bring up less questions. Make things less complicated.

“Well, he’s been coughing a lot recently; it got worse today. He said he felt fine, but a few hours ago, he passed out. There was blood on his hands from where he was coughing… He woke up, now, but he has a high fever and the coughing isn’t better. It’s worse.” Alyss averted her eyes, for another brief moment.

“Oh…” The doctor’s face, whether it was fake or not, was full of compassion. “I’m very sorry, my lady.”

“Can you treat him?”

“Yes, yes, I’ve had cases like this before.” He stood up from his desk, walking over to her. “I could help, but it depends.”

“On what?”

“The pay, of course.”

Of course.

“Well, you see…” said Alyss, “my husband and I aren’t exactly wealthy.” The look on his face said ‘I guessed that’, probably judging by her clothes, but he held himself back. “He trades in animal furs and game, but it’s not enough to make us rich.”

“I see.” The doctor walked away from her, which gave her his answer before he said it: “Then, I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

“But, doctor,” she objected, “name another price and we’ll pay it.”

“I can’t accept anything other than money,” he replied. “Even if you’re… selling.” He nodded towards her body.

Alyss’s face turned red, not with embarrassment. With fury.

“I am not,” she snapped. How dare he? Part of her was glad he wasn’t accepting that, because even through her disgust, she knew that if that was his price then she would pay it. But that didn’t matter, anyway.

“I hope your husband gets better,” the doctor said. He made another gesture, this time towards the door.

But Alyss approached the desk. “Anything, sir,” she said. Her words were desperate, but her face was anything but. “He needs help.”

For a small moment she thought maybe she had gotten to him… He hesitated, just long enough to give her false hope.

She left there as empty-handed as she had arrived.