#hyo;chardev

I’ve always had a hard time letting go of things, even when I know that I should. I often mourn for too long, cry too often, love too hard. What’s worse is that I come to a point where I’m embarrassed with how my feelings linger when really I should be able to know that things come and pass and feel better. But that’s hardly the case. I bottle things up and hide how I feel as much as possible behind optimism and words of wisdom.

Just because I know better, doesn’t mean I feel better about this. My heart is heavy right now and the last thing I need is for my emotions to be played with and my limits to be tested. I’m too unstable to face how it could potentially devastate me if I let my heart out. My feelings are irrational, out of place, not to be had, and it will only hurt more if they were made known and people only felt sorry. This way, I don’t have to feel unloved because people can’t be expected to adjust to my discomforts that they are unaware of, right? If they knew how I felt, I am almost sure nothing would change and it would wound me even more so.

Lately, being off solo and doing things on my own have been peaceful and I know that it is probably for the best. But I am terribly lonely. That’s also something I feel like I hide with pride, but one of the few things I wish I could turn around. The love I have, the way I mourn, part of me wishes to keep the emotion, but at a moderation. Now, my emotions are just out of proportion. But my loneliness is something I wish to do away with. Only, I have been bad at this being social thing lately. That doesn’t help at all how I feel.

This sad, almost numbing feeling makes me scared. I want to live and thrive, but I’m so scared to be hurt, I anticipate it to cushion my fall almost.

Into the new year, Hyojung finds herself in a refreshing position of uncertainty. A lot of what she had come to know and love and be familiar and comfortable with had either left, changed, or come undone entirely. Though still, she clings to her very romantic foundations and only hungers to learn all that she can in the midst of the mystery she finds herself in.

With her career taking off and her recognition as an all around talented artist being challenged, she cannot be more thrilled to face the challenge and have the opportunity to grow and share all that she is with the world. However, this shouldn’t undermine her insecurities and almost too often exercised sense of humility. Any compliments she receives are returned with a “I will try hard to continue to please you” and a furious bloodrush to her cheek, sometimes even to the point of tears. Also not to be forgotten should be the looming consciousness that she has of all of the judgement and hate that has been associated with her explorations during the past year. Despite her tendencies to be too curious and peek at the comments on her instagram or the YouTube videos, she has steadily gained more and more confidence in always having room for growth.

Love and lifewise has been a bit of a mess for her. She feels that a lot of her feelings were left undealt with in 2015 and now with the new year rolling around, she has to make the choice to let her almost and unsaids go. Consistent enough, they resurface often, as lack of closure leads them to haunt her a bit more, if the intensity of her experiences and feelings did not already make that happen. Her heart defaults to contentment with those who love her now and she invests in these people wholeheartedly, truly feeling that the acceptance should be appreciated. Though, as for making new friends, she finds herself stagnant, swamped with a combination of work, laziness, and uncertainty. She was feeling confused as of recently on how to make acquaintance with others, feeling as if her strategy and tactic we’re outdated. She continues to struggle finding a lot of consistency in friendships, people who are there for her regularly. She can only pray to encounter friendship of similar quality in greater quantity.