#hurricaneday

Thats its OKAY to mess up something that is so important to me . 

I want to scream as loud as i can. Cry for millennia , Just to get this feeling to go away. 

Monday- I'm pretty sure i bombed my third stats test. But i can't bring myself to tell anyone about it. I can't see that look of disappointment on their faces. That look of "well maybe UNI just isn't for you?" Do you know what i hear when somebody says that to me... "you're not smart enough, not good enough to be in university. you're going to spend the rest of your life miserable and there is nothing you can do to help that" And that hurts me to no end. Sometimes people think they are helping but they make things worse. 

Tuesday-  Wasn't any better. You see i work at two places. The first is amazing i love my boss and i love the people i work with. But the second... my coworkers hate me. They are continuously undermining me when i'm at work. There isn't a shift that goes by without one of them making a small comment which ruins my day. And i can't do a thing to stop it. This happened on tuesday.  

Wednesday- Work all day. No play. Nothing. 

THursday- last night was awesome. I had a couple of friends over to make nachos and drink some alcohol and play story wars. But this was also the day my grandmother was admitted to hospital .. again... and the last day of my eldest Dogs life. 

Footy was very old and very sick. He was in pain. The peace of death, i hope, helped. 

But this is never a healthy road for my thinking to go down . I can't fathom that just one day i won't exist. Everything i do in my life won't matter. I'm not going to be a life changing person for anybody. My life will be mundane. I won't write a series like Harry Potter and change lives like it has changed mine. I won't be a part of something special because i can't physically see myself as anything but ordinary and unloveable. 

So not i'm in this mood where i can't figure out if i'm sad, happy or just plain numb. 

But sometimes there are Hurricane Days. 

Days when nothing seems to go right. Where everyone seems to hate you and that fundamentally wrong thing about you is on full display. 

Today was one of those days. One of those days when I can feel people looking, people judging me for things i can't control. When i feel i can't do anything right anymore. 

Where did that girl who knew who she was and what she wanted and went out and got it go?