#hundam

This was wrong. Completely, utterly, and devastatingly wrong. He knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt, within the marrow of his bones, but Adam Carson felt powerless to stop it. It was magnetic, the pull between them. He’d tried to ignore it, tried to fight it. But he was so completely, comically, out of his depth. This was so wrong and it could only end in disaster. In the total and utter destruction of everything he thought he’d known. Everything he was so sure he’d understood.

And god help him, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He shivered feeling the warmth of fingers brushing against the small of his back. The touch was tentative, so exquisitely uncertain. Without conscious thought he leaned into the touch. Soaking in every sensation swirling through him. Lips brushed against the side of his neck pulling a plaintive sigh from his throat. Adam turned then, his eyes locking on Hunter’s startlingly blue gaze.

Hunter didn’t flinch at the sudden movement which unnerved Adam more than he’d expected. He watched a slow smile spread across Hunter’s face. “Are you sure?”

“No,” Adam breathed, honesty transparent in his tone. For the briefest of moments Adam saw a flicker of doubt and building panic building in Hunter’s eyes. “But I don’t think I can stop it.” The words were rushed, he couldn’t seem to bear the idea of causing Hunter a moments pain. It was pure madness and Adam couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself think on it. “I don’t want to stop.”

His own honestly momentarily shocked Adam. He didn’t want to stop this. Whatever is was. He refused to let himself think too much on that. If he did then the growing sense of panic would bloom into something he couldn’t control. He knew this was wrong. He’d made promises. Made vows. And doing this, allowing himself to take this leap would shatter all of that. But he wanted this. Wanted it more than he’d wanted just about anything else in his life.

Damn the consequences.

He crushed his lips to Hunter’s. It was like heaven. The sweet, blinding bliss of it. He could feel Hunter stiffen ever so slightly before surrendering to Adam’s bruising embrace.

Everything became a blur of taste and touch and sheer heady pleasure. Adam couldn’t grasp the details as he fell headlong into this sinful bliss. It was all snatches of hands and lips and tongues. He felt as though he was drowning. Head spinning. Heart pounding.

And soon, far too soon, it was over. They lay panting on the floor, Hunter’s head on his shoulder, sweat cooling around them. His body thrummed and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so utterly alive.

It didn’t taken long for reality to sink her cold hands back into his swirling thoughts. All it had taken was the buzzing of his phone and her picture flashing on its screen. Cold dread burrowed it’s way into his stomach. He’d done something unforgivable. Because it wasn’t just her he’d betrayed. It want just them anymore. The panic threatened to overwhelm him and he fought to draw in enough breath.

“Adam.”

The voice sounded distant. So very far away. He wasn’t really sure if he’d heard it at all.

“Adam.”

It was forceful now and he blinked, the world slowly ceasing to fade in and out of focus. Hunter’s concerned features startled him and Adam sat up far more forcefully than he’d intended. They’d nearly knocked heads.

He vaguely heard Hunter ask if he was alright and it had taken all that he had not to laugh at the absurdity of it. How the fuck was he supposed to be alright? He’d known what he was doing. He’d known the damned consequences and threw himself head first into it anyway. He’d been such a selfish, self-centered idiot and just look at where that had left him.

Without a word he scrambled to his feet, yanking on his discarded jeans. The only thing he’d known is that he hard to get out of there. Had to run.

He heard Hunter yell his name once more but didn’t stop. He was half way out the door when an iron grip on his forearm yanked him back. He stumbled, barely managing to right himself and turned. Hunter’s eyes were a contradiction. Panic and fury warring for dominance. “No,” he breathed. “You don’t get to do this.”

Fury of his own steadily rose in Adam. “Let go of me.”

Hunter shook his head. “Not until we talk about this.”

Adam stared at him incredulously. What in the fuck gave Hunter the right to make demands on him? “There is nothing to talk about. This shouldn’t have happened.” His voice rose steadily as he spoke. He was angry, livid even. And it was easier, so much easier, to take it out on Hunter. After all if he hadn’t been so utterly him maybe, just maybe, this wouldn’t have happened. It was childish to blame Hunter for his own actions, deep down he knew that. But anything was easier than admitting he’d made such a cataclysmic mistake.

Hunter visibly flinched but held his ground. It infuriated Adam. Why could he just let him leave? Couldn’t he see how desperately needed to flee?

“You wanted this too. Don’t fucking lie to yourself about it now. I’ve seen the way you’ve watched me. I felt this…this pull between us. And I know you feel it too.” Hunter’s voice was steady, far steadier then the flood of emotions flashing in his eyes portrayed.. “This happened, Adam, and we need to deal with that.”

Adam shook he head, ripping his arm from Hunter’s grip. He couldn’t do this. He was a coward and he damn well knew it. “I can’t.”

It had been two weeks since they’d last spoken. Two weeks since that night and the disastrous kiss and Adam was still no nearer to understanding what the hell had happened. Yes, he’d been drunk; honestly drunker than he’d been in a long while but that did not give explanation to his behavior.

He’d kissed Hunter. Kissed the man he’d considered his closest friend and confident. Did that make him gay? Did he want to do it again? He didn’t know and a rather large part of him was terrified to find out. So he had thrown himself into his work, allowing it to encompass every aspect of his life, leaving him with barely any time to think let alone feel.

It was better this way, he’d reasoned with himself. It had to be. Anything was better than having to confront Hunter. It had been a blessing that Hunter had left by the time Adam had managed to gather himself enough to leave the safety of his bedroom. There was no way he could have faced him, not then. He needed time to figure out what had happened; time to figure out his next move.

But the next day only sought to bring a blinding and terrifying clarity to the situation. Adam had crossed a line and judging by the reaction he’d received one he could never uncross. What could he possibly say that would explain, that would justify, what he had done?

If the residents working beneath him had noticed the change in him, and he knew they must have, they remained thankfully quiet about it. And that had been a blessing. He was barely managing as it was, adding their concern and questions onto the load he was already baring would surely push him to his breaking point.

He ran a shaky hand through his well-mused hair, knowing that he would need to squeeze some sort of nap in if he had any hope of making it through the shift. He was dead on his feet and once again maxed out on caffeine.

The floor was relatively quiet and had been for the last hour. Now was as good a time as any, he’d figured. After informing the charge nurse and his resident of his plan, Adam dragged himself towards the on call room and mustered up enough energy to pull down the covers before collapsing on the small bed.

He awoke what felt like minutes later to the loud buzzing of his pager. Swearing, he pulled himself up, groping the small table near the bed until his fingers grazed over the small black device. He made a brief note of the number before pulling out his hospital issued phone and dialing it.

It had been a small matter, an order that had needed clarifying, thankfully. Hanging up the phone, he glanced around the small room. He was wide awake now and unfortunately it seemed he would stay that way for the time being. Wonderful.

A quick glance at his watch informed him that it was well past seven; only three more hours to go. He was in the home stretch now, he could do this. Rubbing his eyes one last time, Adam climbed out of the bed and headed back out into the brightly lit hallway.

He spent his remaining hours on duty double checking his residents’ orders and making another set of rounds on his patients. As draining as his job could he, Adam honestly could not see himself doing anything else. He truly loved working with people, helping them heal. It was an idealistic look at his profession, he knew, but it was what helped him make it through the rough shifts.

With a quick wave at Marcy, the woman who had manned the front desk of the lobby for as long as Adam had been at St. Michaels, he made his way out into the cool evening air. His eyes rose upwards towards the sky. The stars were choked out by the bright lights of the city. He took a deep breath and walked towards his well worn car. He had lucked out yesterday and had found a spot relatively close to the main entrance.

The drive home was uneventful; he had blasted the radio in an effort to keep his mind active and alert. The toll of his lack of sleep was finally beginning to catch up with him. Adam just prayed he would make it home before it completely overwhelmed him.

Pulling into the drive, Adam worked to push off the sudden tension that had overtaken him. It was ridiculous and he knew it, to still feel so uncomfortable and awkward in a place that had once been a refuge for him. Turning off the car, Adam made his way up the dimly lit walk to the front door.

The silence of the house was both comforting and crippling. It was such a stark contrast to what he had grown accustomed to. Though this was technically his home, Hunter never seemed to stay far away for long. He was like an unofficial roommate; the kind that ate all of his food and drank all of his beer and never chipped in on the bills.

It was annoying but comforting, having that small bit of insanity to balance out the rigid structure of his day to day life. Not having that was something Adam was still trying to get used to. Now more than ever, he feared he never would.

Stop it, he chastised himself. That line of thinking was not going to help matters. The fact that it bothered him so only served to make Adam more uncomfortable.

He made his way back to the bedroom, pulling his scrub top off along the way. After dropping it in the nearly overflowing basket near the closet door, Adam made his way towards the dresser. He grabbed a fresh set of boxers and a clean pair of sleep pants and made his way into the bathroom. A shower would certainly do wonders for him. And he certainly needed some way to release the tension in his muscles.

When he stepped out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, Adam felt like a new man. He rubbed a towel over his damp hair as he walked back to his bedroom, his eyes immediately honing in on his unmade bed. Sleep would certainly be wonderful and very much needed.

Tossing the towel towards the hamper, Adam allowed himself to fall onto the bed, his eyes closing as soon as they hit the cool fabric of his pillow. He fell asleep moments later.

Adam woke hours later, stiff and somehow more tired than he had been when he’d laid down in the first place. His sleep had been a restless one, his mind unable to fully shut off. At least he had the next three days off, one of the pluses of shift work he had to admit. He stretched his arms over his head, a yawn falling from his lips.

He pulled himself from the bed, padding his way towards the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, Adam made his way into the living room and settled himself on the couch. He considered for a moment turning on the television and seeing if there was anything on that was worth watching, but dismissed the idea when he had caught sight of the time. At that hour the only thing on would be infomercials about products he had no need or want of.

So he settled himself back on the couch, closing his eyes. He was still exhausted and maybe a change of scenery would help and if worse came to worst, he could suffer through a few hours of infomercials, he was strong enough or, well, bored enough if he was being honest.

In the back of his mind he knew that sleeping out here would result in a stiff neck, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. Shifting slightly, Adam rested his head on the arm of the couch adjusting until he found a position that was relatively comfortable, for a few hours at least. He drifted off to sleep once more.

Adam startled awake at the sound of a knock on the door. Blinking several times, he sat himself up, his hand immediately rising to rub his sore and stiff neck. Sleeping on the couch was certainly not his brightest idea ever. The knocking grew more persistent and with a groan, Adam pushed himself up from the couch and made his way towards the door. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” he muttered softly under his breath.

In his sleep laden daze, it did not occur to Adam to find it strange that someone was knocking on his door at what he was sure was an incredibly late (or was it early?) hour. Rubbing his eyes, Adam fumbled with the lock before pulling the door open. The person he found standing in his doorway shocked the remnants of sleep from his mind.

Hunter stood before him, hands in his jacket pockets and what appeared to be two weeks’ worth of beard on his face. His eyes were tired and the smile on his face seemed forced. The carefree nature that had been the entire being of his friend just seemed…off. And Adam had no idea what to say.

“Can I come in?”

Startled into action, Adam silently nodded and stepped aside, allowing the man to enter. Hunter said nothing as he made his way to the living room and settled on the couch. The similarities between what was happening before him and what had happened that night jarred Adam. The only difference he could note was the unease that now filled the room.

Neither man spoke, Adam remaining in the hallway near the door and Hunter on the couch, his eyes never focusing on any one thing for more than a few moments. This was hell, Adam reasoned; pure and utter hell. He knew that eventually one of them would be forced to break the silence. Someone would have to say something and that thought was terrifying.

As much as Adam knew he had to give his friend some sort of answer for his appalling behavior, he was still at a loss as to how. How could he possibly explain something he had no explanation for? His hand ran shakily through his mused hair before raising his eyes to Hunter’s still silent form on the couch. “Do you…Would you like something to drink?” The words sounded pathetic even to his ears.

Hunter nodded, a weak smile forming on his face. Adam wasted no time making his way into the kitchen, grateful for a reason to escape. He pressed his hands onto the counter, leaning his head against his chest. This was ridiculous. He was being ridiculous. He needed to pull himself together before he ruined whatever vestiges of friendship they had left.

Taking a deep breath, Adam pushed himself away from the counter and slowly made his way to the fridge. He perused through the now pitifully empty appliance, noting that all it seemed to hold were canned sodas and beer. Without a thought, he grabbed to cans of soda, not giving the beer a second glance. Not again, he told himself.

Lingering a few moments more and trying desperately for the nerve he knew he didn’t possess, Adam made his way back towards the living room. He silently held out a can toward Hunter and settled himself on a nearby arm chair. “Thanks,” Hunter mumbled, popping the tab top and taking a long sip.

Adam placed his can on the edge of the coffee table, he wasn’t at all thirsty but he’d figured that having a can himself would give him something to fiddle with if things got awkward. Or well, more awkward than they already were. Silence filled the room once more and Adam found himself drumming his fingers along the arm of his chair. A nervous habit he never could quite shake.

Hunter broke the silence several minutes later, clearing his throat and setting his can on the table. Adam felt himself tense and release a breath he hadn’t consciously been aware he was holding.

“Why?”

Adam blinked uncomprehendingly.

Hunter sighed again, resting his hands on his knees and looking Adam dead in the eye. “Why?” he asked again.

Without a word, Adam reached for his unopened can, popping the lid and taking a deep gulp. He was stalling and he damn well knew it. He had forgotten how direct Hunter could be. “I…” he began, placing the can back down again, “I don’t know.” It was the closest thing to the truth he could offer. Adam closed his eyes for a moment, trying to push down the fear and uncertainty that was roaring in his chest. He was being ridiculous and he knew it. Why hadn’t he just laughed it off as a drunken mistake that night?

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Hunter’s hand on his shoulder. So much for remaining calm, he thought to himself sardonically as he tried desperately to ignore the sensations the touch, however innocent, sent through him. “I just,” Adam started again, unable to stop the words from spilling from his lips, “What do you want me to say, Hunt? I was…It just happened. I was drunk. Really fucking drunk. And you were there and something in me just snapped. I just…Fuck, I don’t know.”

Pushing himself to his feet, Adam found himself pacing around the living room, unable to bring himself to look as his friend. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. What could he say really? Sorry I kissed you, Hunt. Is it out of line if I said that part of me really wants to do it again? No, definitely not. What scared Adam even more, especially with the lack of alcohol in his system, was that a part of him really did want to kiss him again. What the fuck was wrong with him?

When he had found the nerve to pull himself from his frantic thoughts, he found his friend staring at him. Adam couldn’t quite read the look in his eyes nor comprehend anything beyond the uncertainty on Hunter’s face. Both men remained silent for several minutes more. The silence was deafening to Adam’s ears.

Hunter brushed his hand through his beard, studying Adam in a way that made him both unnerved and curious. The wheels were turning in Hunter’s head and for once Adam didn’t have a clue which direction they were going.

“You’ve been drunk before, Adam, and that’s never happened.” Hunter’s tone was even, his words seemed carefully chosen, but Adam couldn’t comprehend the meaning behind them. Not beyond their face value. He had been completely off of his head before with Hunter and he certainly never had even the slightest desire to touch his friend let alone kiss him.

Adam nodded silently before running his hand through his own hair and muttering, “I know.” He didn’t know what else to say. What else could he say, really?

How could he even begin to explain the complete chaos that his thoughts had spiraled into? Explain it to the person that until two weeks ago had been nothing other than a dear friend? Not when he couldn’t make heads nor tails of it himself. God he had really fucked things up this time, hadn’t he?

Once again an uneasy silence fell between them. Adam couldn’t stand it but didn’t have any idea what to say. What to do. He hated it, hated feeling so fucking confused and uncertain. This wasn’t like him. Why the hell did he have to go and fuck everything up?

It took very nearly all of the courage he could muster for Adam to raise his head from the floor and look at Hunter again. His friend’s eyes were still on him, still watching him with that guarded, uncertain look in his eyes. And it frightened him. “I don’t know, Hunter. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I just…I don’t know, lost my head. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“The truth would be a good place to start.” The words weren’t accusatory nor were they sympathetic. Hunter sounded as exhausted and confused as Adam felt.

“The truth?” He echoed, looking far too much like a deer in the headlights. Adam wasn’t even sure what the truth was, let alone how to even start to explain it aloud. How do you even begin to explain that for reasons even you don’t understand your best friend has become someone you might possibly care for on a far deeper level? If that even was what he was feeling. Adam was as confused as he had ever been.

Hunter simply nodded, waiting. The patience he radiated was terrifying. Adam didn’t know what to say. What to do. God what was he going to do? At the moment Adam would have given anything to be swallowed whole by the floor beneath him. He stared at his hands as though they held the secret of the universe.

Finally after what felt like hours, but in truth couldn’t have been more than minutes, he cleared his throat, trying desperately to find the words, any words. “The truth is I don’t know. I was drunk and something in my head snapped. I looked at you and it was like I had never seen you before. I can’t explain it. The thoughts just came and I reacted. It scared me, Hunt. It fucking scares me. And I don’t know what to do. You are one of my best friends and I am completely fucking it up because my neurotic brain can’t make up its fucking mind!” He startled himself with his outburst. Once that dam had been broken it was impossible to stop. God, could the floor just please swallow him now.

Silence was all that greeted him and Adam could feel the familiar nausea of absolute terror and fear crawling through him. That was it. He’d done it, alienated one of his closest friends. He pushed himself to his feet with all the strength he could muster and fled. He was a coward of the worst sort.

It took mere moments to enter the sanctuary of his bedroom, slamming the door behind him with a satisfying thud. He couldn’t stay to watch the disgust and anger light Hunter’s features. Adam prayed that by the time he had the courage to leave his room, Hunter would be long gone. He couldn’t stand to face him. Not now that he had pushed that far.

He was startled by the door opening behind him. Frozen in fear, Adam couldn’t force himself to turn, he could barely think straight. He heard the low grumble of Hunter clearing his throat and closed his eyes, waiting for the fall-out he knew was coming. Bracing himself for the worst of whatever Hunter could hurl at him.

“Adam.”

He couldn’t move, couldn’t think. “I know what you’re going to say…” Adam’s voice trembled as he fought to keep it as steady as he could. He didn’t want to hear it. His imagination was bad enough.

“Do you?” Hunter’s voice was that same carefully even tone and it frightened him.

Adam only nodded in response. Please don’t make me say it.

Hunter sighed. “Adam just look at me. I refuse to have this conversation with your back.”

“What if I don’t want to have it at all?” He could feel the frustration rolling off Hunter in waves, palpably crashing into him and sending his mind reeling.

The force of Hunter’s hand on his shoulder sent sparks of treacherous desire and choking fear through him. Adam barely kept his footing as Hunter violently spun him around. “We are having this God damned conversation Carson, so help me God!” Adam said nothing, knowing he didn’t stand a chance. “You dump all this on me and run? Jesus Christ Adam, since when have you been such a fucking coward?”

The words stun more than a physical blow and Adam flinched at the contact. He was a coward of the worst sort. There was no way for him to deny it.

Hunter rubbed his hand over the bridge of his nose, something he had done countless times when angry or stressed. Somethings never change. The thought stole through Adam’s mind.

“You are one of my best friends, Adam. You can talk to me about anything. You fucking know that. And I won’t lie, you scared me that night. And I needed time to process, like I’m sure you did.” He paused, letting out a deep breath, “You are someone precious to me. You always have been. And that night forced me to do a lot of thinking. I don’t know what any of it means but I’m not afraid to try.”

Adam’s head snapped up, confusion coloring his features. In any other situation the look on his face would have been comical. Hunter’s words didn’t make any sense. None of this made any sense. “What?” It was the only coherent thing he could utter.

“I don’t know what this means,” he motioned vaguely between them, “But I’m not scared of it or of trying to understand it.” He offered Adam a comforting smile.

Adam stood dumbfounded. Thoughts and emotions were flinging about him at such a violent speed he feared he would be sick. And he very nearly was. He stumbled blindly backwards until his knees hit the edge of the bed, which caused him to fall awkwardly onto it. He blinked at his hands then up at Hunter who hadn’t moved. “I don’t understand.” And he didn’t. None of this was making any sense.

For what felt like the hundredth time that day, Adam Carson ran his fingers through his hair. He was exhausted; there was simply no other way to put it. The forty-eight hour shifts he’d handled with ease during his residency were now an almost constant struggle to make through. Even the twenty-four hour rotation he was on now was nearly unbearable. He’d reached his physical limit on coffee, its caffeine barely even registering with his system now. He could probably down two full pots and still be yawning in the pre-op room. Figures, he thought to himself.

He’d made it eighteen hours into his shift so far, and he wasn’t quite sure how he’d made it that far. Sleep had been an elusive thing for him the past week, especially. If he wasn’t patrolling the sixteen bed unit or the OR, he was at home trying to have some attempt at a life. He’d visited with his younger sister who’d flown in from Seattle and made an effort at hanging with a few of his friends from undergrad. He’d managed to squeeze in a few hours of sleep here and there, but barely enough for him to be able to function the way he was now.

This job had been both the bane and joy of his existence. He’d learned so much in the past four years and from some of the best surgeons in his field. This was the job he’d only ever really dreamed of in med school. But at times he didn’t feel like it was nearly enough. The long hours he was forced to keep meant relationships were fleeting at best. No one he’d met had the tolerance for his long hours and hectic schedule for too long. The last meaningful relationship he’d had barely lasted three months. And how it had made it that long surprised him.

Maybe it was his lot to spend life as the eternal bachelor. No one to worry about waking up at two in the morning when his pager went off, no one left waiting for a date that would never show. It would be easier that way, simpler really; but lonelier than Adam cared to dwell on. He’d spent too many months alone.

“Dr. Carson!” He jumped at the sound of his surname, looking up to find one his residents looking at him expectantly. The resident had only been with the hospital for a year now, but had shown a great deal of promise. For a moment this confused him. “Mrs. Reynolds in room 2467,” the resident continued, looking at Adam as though he’d grown another head.

Shit. “Right, I’ll be right there.” This was bad. He still had six hours to go and if he was falling apart now, badly enough that his coworkers were starting to notice, he was in serious trouble.

Adam had always prided himself on being cool, collected at work. It was the only way he could make it through a shift without losing his mind as well as the respect of his coworkers. He’d rarely had an off day, and the fact that he was now wasn’t helping manners.

Nodding, Adam followed the resident down the hall, pausing briefly to grab the chart from its rack on the nurse’s station. The hall was relatively quiet, save for the low beeping of the various monitors and machines. He was grateful for the relative calm, knowing it could pass at any moment. This wasn’t the ER were he spent his first years in the hospital, but this was a major metropolitan hospital and the surgical units rarely stayed quiet for long.

The rest of his shift passed in a blur of charts, patients and eager interns waiting to prove themselves. By the time he had managed to clock out for the day, Adam could barely keep his eyes open. He was eternally grateful for the fact that he had the next three days off. Maybe he’d actually manage to sleep at some point. He could only hope.

Adam found himself surprised to pull into the driveway of his home, having barely remembered the drive at all. Sleep, he told himself, I desperately need sleep.

He managed to pull his scrub top off before collapsing onto the bed. His head was no where near the pillow but he really couldn’t find it in him to care. He’d deal with the stiff neck later.

A loud pounding sound woke Adam from his sleep. His mind was hazy and it took him a second to place the noise. His front door; someone must be at the door. Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, he pushed himself up from the bed, glancing at the green LCD display of his alarm clock sitting on the side table. Eight forty-five; he’d been asleep for roughly seven and a half hours. Not nearly enough, but it would have to do, especially since it didn’t sound as though his visitor had any intention of walking away anytime soon.

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m coming!” Adam growled under his breath as he padded slowly do the door. Whoever it was had better have a damned good reason for waking him up. Not bothering to glance through the peep hole once he arrived, Adam yanked open the door. “What?”

The hearty laughter the he received in response startled him briefly, his head shot up, taking in the person standing before him in the dimly lit doorway. “Hunter?”

Hunter grinned, “I see you’re people skills are still lacking.”

“Fuck off,” Adam shot back, laughing now, standing aside to allow the man to enter. “You do realize I was asleep?”

“Just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead.”

“Oh ha ha ha,” Adam shot back. He ran his hand through is hair before allowing it to come to rest on the back of his neck. “But really, I’m fine. I’m just exhausted.”

Hunter nodded, “Figured as much.” He settled himself on the couch against the far wall of the living room, looking back at Adam.

“Make yourself at home, why don’t you Hunt? You always seem to.”

And that was the truth. Adam had known Hunter for years now, having met him during their sophomore History class. They’d hit it off rather instantaneously, Hunter’s easy-going nature complimenting Adam’s less than flexible one.

Their friendship had been a trying one; they’d butted heads more than they’d agreed on things over the years. Hunter thought Adam too stubborn and Adam thought him frustratingly passive. But their friendship worked, despite the headaches.

Adam looked at his friend expectantly. Hunter usually had a reason behind his random drop-ins, beyond making sure Adam had made it home in one piece. Nearly pass out behind the wheel once…

It hadn’t been one of Adam’s finer moments; he’d known as soon as he’d pulled out of the hospital lot that he shouldn’t have been driving. He’d gotten maybe an hour and a half of sleep during that two-day shift; he’d barely been able to keep his eyes open. But he wanted to get home; figured he could make it. It wasn’t a long drive, fifteen minutes at the most. He’d done it hundreds, no thousands of times before and made it just fine.

It wasn’t until Adam found himself nearly in a ditch two miles from his home, not quite sure how he’d gotten there, that the biting edge of panic sunk in. He’d dialed Hunter’s number without really thinking about what he was doing.

Hunter had been there ten minutes later, worry lining his brow, his normally calm demeanor gone. The riot act his friend had read him had sent Adam for a loop. That was usually his go to response to the things and situations Hunter had found himself in. Seeing their reactions in reverse was strange, but at the same time, touching.

Pushing himself from the couch, Hunter made his way towards the darkened kitchen. He returned a few moments later, two chilled, brown bottles in hand. Adam smirked, “Why yes, Hunt, you can have a beer. Thanks for asking.”

“Fuck off, Carson.” Chuckling, Hunter took a long swig from his bottle.

Two hours and countless beers later, Adam was feeling no pain. His exhaustion temporarily relieved. A lazy smile spread across his face; he had desperately needed to relax, needed a night with no expectations, no demands. Thank God for Hunter…And for beer.

“This is nice,” he mumbled, leaning his head back against the couch. Hunter grunted in agreement. Adam blinked, attempting to clear his cloudy vision; clearly he’d had a few too many. The thought forced a laugh from his throat and he caught Hunter’s head cocking to the side in confusion.

“Care to share with the class?”

“I’m drunk.”

Hunter laughed, “No kidding. You really need to build up your tolerance, Carson. This is pretty pitiful.”

“Fuck off.” Adam hadn’t drunk much in a while, save the occasional beer with friends. Drinking had never been terribly high on his list of priorities and save for spending time with Hunter; he rarely consumed more than a bottle or two. And he had far surpassed that amount tonight.

If he hadn’t seen Hunter knocking back bottle after bottle, he’d never think his friend was intoxicated at all. Lucky bastard. The easy smile that crossed Hunter’s face pulled a similar one to Adam’s.

Hunter’s eyes were really blue, Adam noticed, finding himself entranced by them. They were bright and alive yet surprisingly deep and elusive. He’d never noticed that before and something in him wondered if it was odd that he had noticed that. Who notices the depth of their friend’s eyes?

“You alright there?” Adam jumped, unable to stop the reaction the sudden intrusion of sound evoked. God what was wrong with him? He composed himself enough to nod his head before taking another long pull from the bottle in his hand.

The curve of Hunter’s bottom lip caught his attention next. It was slightly fuller than its top counterpart. Not enough to be something noticed at a quick glance, but something you would notice if you looked close enough. They were inviting and briefly Adam wondered if they would feel soft against his; or if Hunter would object if he were to find out for himself.

Panic suddenly rushed through him. This wasn’t normal. Friends didn’t think such things about their friends. Sweat began to bead on his forehead and a shiver ran down his spine. God what is wrong with me?

“Adam? Dude, you’re kind of scaring me,” Hunter’s eyes were wide now and uneasy. “Are you alright?”

He didn’t know what to say. What could he possibly say? “Yeah, I just really want to know what it’s like to kiss you and its scaring the shit out of me.” That would go over real well. So Adam went for silence instead. He needed to clear his head; needed to drink more. He needed to do something, anything to keep himself away from the current train of thought.

“Adam?” Hunter’s hand came to rest on his shoulder and Adam jumped, bolting off of the couch as if he’d been burned. A single touch shouldn’t feel so damned good; especially one from Hunter. This was his best friend for all intents and purposes. His drinking buddy and occasional confident, his wingman; this was not supposed to happen.

“I…I need some air,” he managed to choke out before making a mad dash towards the back porch. Slamming the glass door behind him, Adam sank onto the stairs leading to the small backyard. He took a large gulp of cool air, praying it would clear his head. It needed to clear his head; he couldn’t go back inside like this. There was no way.

Adam heard the soft click of the glass door followed moments later by the warm hand on his shoulder. “Adam?”

There it was again; the jolt, the longing that he should not feel. This was dangerous and it honestly scared the fuck out of him. Hunter’s face was soon level with his own and Adam could feel the warmth of his breath against his cheek. Jesus. Why did he have to be so close? Couldn’t he see what this was doing to him?

Adam closed his eyes, squeezing them tightly shut. He tried in vain to clear the thoughts running through his head; to silence the urges demanding that he close the distance between them and take what his cloudy mind wanted. No, not wanted; needed. It would be so easy.

Hunter shifted beside him, causing Adam to turn his head involuntarily, finding himself nose to nose with his friend; the warmth of his breath mixed with the hint of alcohol filled his senses. He leaned in; reason no longer registering in his mind. He needed this. Their lips brushed together softly, the heady sensation rushing through him. More. He crushed his lips against Hunter’s, moaning at the contact. This was heaven; perfect. He was lost in this and there wasn’t a thing in the world that could drag him away. Not now.

It was then that the stillness from his friend registered. Hunter was stiff as a board, muscles rigid. Fuck. Snapping backwards, Adam’s eyes widened. Fuck, fuck fuck. He shoved himself up from the porch and simply fled. Panic was the only thing that registered in his mind. Pure, blind panic.

It wasn’t a fling, no matter how hard or often they tried to convince themselves of it. Flings were just that, flings. Short, intense, hurried and over. They didn’t involve any real connection, save the physical aspect, and they certainly didn’t go on for over a year. This was anything but a fling.

Hunter rolled over, straightening the pillow beneath his head enough to make himself somewhat comfortable again. It was late, that much he could tell as his bleary eyes struggled to focus on the glowing red numbers of the digital clock sitting on the bedside table. He’d fallen asleep maybe two hours ago. However long ago it was he knew it wasn’t anywhere near long enough.

Beside him he could hear the soft snoring of his bed partner, felt the warmth of his body seeping into his bare skin. Hunter sighed, knowing he should leave. Staying would only make things worse. He shifted in the bed once more, doing his best not to disturb the man laying beside him. They both had to be up early the coming morning and there was no need for both of them to go without sleep.

A soft sigh fell from behind him and Hunter forced himself to close his eyes once more. This was hopeless, everything about what they were doing was hopeless. He’d known in from the start but he’d allowed himself to pursue it anyway. Hunter knew himself weak in that department. He’d always had a weakness where Adam was concerned.

They’d been friends for years, living in such close quarters tended to bring such things around. Either that or unyielding resentment. They’d lived so much of their lives together in this band, struggling with the highs and lows, internal conflicts, and just about everything else they’d had thrown at them. Adam had even been best man at his wedding.

With a sigh of his own, Hunter opened his eyes once more, allowing them to fall onto the golden band around his finger. She would hate him for this if she knew. And a part of him hated himself for not caring. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his wife, he never would have invested so much into their relationship had that not been the case, it was that so much had changed. They weren’t the twenty somethings they had been when the first met; young, eager, and fiercely in love. They’d both grown up so much over the years, sometimes he found himself wondering just what had happened. But he loved her, he’d made a promise to her, and he was never a man to go back on his word, even if the consequences of his silence were severe.

The soft movement behind him forced Hunter back from his thoughts once more. Carefully, he rolled over onto his side, facing the sleeping man beside him. He found Adam flat on his back, the sheets now resting low on his hips and tangling lightly around his legs. His arms rested haphazardly around him, one over his eyes the other twisted oddly behind his head. How that could even be remotely comfortable, Hunter would never understand.

Hunter found himself watching the sleeping man. Even after all these years, Adam was still such a mystery to him. He was quiet and reserved, someone you could talk to about anything. He was there for anyone when and whenever they needed him. Loyal, warm, and caring. But at the same time there had always been something burning within his eyes. Something Hunter still didn’t fully understand. And that only served to add to the mystery.

As hard as he’d tried, Hunter couldn’t help but be fascinated by the man before him. That, he admitted to himself, had probably been what led to this downfall. They’d been out one night after a show, it had been ages since they’d allowed themselves that luxury. He couldn’t tell remember the city they were in, let alone the bar, those details were hazed by time and from the copious amounts of alcohol he’d consumed. But even now he could recall in full, vivid color every touch, every taste, every feeling that had run through him later that night in the hotel room.

Somehow they’d managed to find a way back to the hotel they were staying at for the night. Hunter had always figured Adam had been coherent enough to remember to call a cab for them. Though they had walked to the bar earlier that evening, there was no way they would be able to make it back on their own. Not with the way the world had been spinning before Hunter’s eyes.

The details of finding their way to his room were hazy, but somehow he’d managed to figure out his keycard enough to open the door before falling face first into the darkened room. With a good deal of chuckling, Adam had helped Hunter to his feet and to the bed.

Even now, Hunter was still uncertain just who had initiated the first kiss. But it had happened and soon he’d found himself pressed hard into the mattress below him, his hands locked in Adam’s hair. It wasn’t until much later that the implications of what had just happened hit him. He was married, he loved his wife, but he had just let his best friend...

What scared him more than what he had done was the fact that he had enjoyed it. More than enjoyed it. A part of him wanted it to happen again. For the first few weeks after that night, he’d done all he could in his power to avoid Adam. He hoped that somehow that would make all of it go away. He’d been drunk, stupid, out of his mind. It shouldn’t have happened. No matter how much he’d enjoyed it, it shouldn’t have happened.

But Adam had never been one to let things fester for too long, especially when they could be detrimental to a friendship. So it shouldn’t have surprised Hunter when Adam confronted him outside of the bus a short time later. Facing him was a daunting task, every time he looked in those eyes he was forced to remember just what he’d done. He hated that.

Their conversation hadn’t gone well and Hunter had been half afraid that the entire tour crew would hear their heated yelling and come to investigate. And that was something he absolutely did not what or need. Adam, after more than a few choice words, had been wise enough to move the argument onto the bus. Both Davey and Jade had wandered off shortly after they’d pulled into the venue lot and Smith had jumped ship soon after.

The heated words continued, at least on Hunter’s part, for a few minutes more. Less than half of what he was saying made sense, but the tension and worry of those passing weeks had built to the point that he had no choice but to explode. And Adam had simply stood by and let him fire away, letting each harsh word simply roll of his back. His calm demeanor only served to push Hunter further over the edge.

With anger coursing through him, Hunter had pushed himself up against Adam, fully ready to release another brutal lashing of words. Before he consciously realized what was happening, Hunter found himself once again kissing the man before him. He was angry yes, but not angry enough to not completely understand what he was doing. The part of his brain screaming to him that this was wrong was simply crushed by the larger part of him saying he didn’t care.

That part of his brain grew louder as Adam relaxed and began returning the gesture with more force than Hunter had expected. This wasn’t right, he knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt, but it forced him to feel something he’d forgotten. Passion, urgency, need. Suddenly it didn’t matter that he was married, for all intensive purposes straight, Adam wanted this and so did he. If they were careful, if they just did this carefully nothing would have to change.

And so they carried on in this pattern, scraping aside whatever time they could when they could. It was exhilarating, frightening and he loved and hated it for that reason. It scared him how easily he could slip between the two lives he found himself leading. When he was with Adam, he could forget everything but what he was doing, what he was feeling. It was as if he’d split himself into two completely different beings.

He never let himself think what would happen once the tour ended, as far as he’d let himself believe this was simply an affair. It would fade out once they went their separate ways. Affairs happen, they’re not right nor are they ever smart, but they happen. He was human, he had needs and Adam had been there to fill them. It didn’t go beyond that. He refused to let it go beyond that. If it had, everything he knew would change. And that was something he wasn’t ready to let himself face. It would be over by the time the tour ended, simple as that. It had to be.

You know when the heart’s in pain/ There is no one that you can blame/ The only light under the doctor’s knife is that we’re the same/ Hearts in pain

His eyes wandered up the small driveway leading to a now dimly lit house. So much had changed since he’d last set eyes on the small property. The flowers lining the brick walkway to the red door had changed from marigolds to a small variety of bush he didn’t recognize. Toys now lined the well worn grass of the front lawn. Nothing was the same.

His fingers dug deep in the pockets of his jeans. Instinct told him to run, to get back into his car and drive away. Forget he’d ever stopped here again. It would be smarter that way; simpler, easier. But something seemed to hold him there. Something seemed to keep him rooted to the asphalt he stood on.

His presence wouldn’t go unnoticed for too much longer. The more he stood and stared, the greater the chance he’d be found out. And that wasn’t an option he chose to entertain. When he’d left five years ago he swore he’d never return. He swore that this part of his life would be over. It had all seemed so simple then. Walk away before things got too complicated. Walk away before too many lives were torn apart.

It had been a choice he’d stood firmly behind. A choice he felt was right. But lately… Lately he found himself wondering if it really had been the only option. Maybe staying, facing the consequences that would have surely arisen would have been the better choice. He’d been a coward back then, though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone. He’d chosen the easier road and here he was, back at square one.

“What are you doing in the street?” The soft voice startled him, nearly sending him back first onto the hood of his car. A brief, nervous chuckle fell from his lips and his eyes quickly shot towards the direction of the voice.

A small girl stood at the top of the driveway, her dark hair pulled back haphazardly behind her ears. Her eyes studied him quizzically; to say it was unnerving would have been an understatement. They were familiar eyes.

“I… Um...” He paused. Had the situation not felt so awkward, he would have been laughing hysterically at it. In all of his years he’d never found himself tongue-tied, especially not after being caught spying by a six year old. “Having some car trouble,” he managed to get out, feeling all the more foolish for it.

Jesus, what the hell was wrong with him? He didn’t need to ask to figure out the answer to that question. It was standing a hundred feet ahead of him.

“I can go get my Daddy,” the girl piped up, “He’s good at fixing cars. Momma says that’s his calling.” Without waiting for his response she dashed towards the front door, pulling it open all the well yelling quite loudly for her father.

Panic rushed through him. Dammit, this wasn’t what he’d planned. It hadn’t even crossed his mind. Sit outside of the house, contemplate walking to the door; sure. But actually having to face his past, speak to the ghosts that had been haunting him for far too long. No, that had never been part of the equation.

The soft creak of the front door pulled his attention from his thoughts for a brief moment, forcing his eyes up towards the house. Jesus, he couldn’t do this. The little girl came bursting out of the front door, talking a mile a minute at the man she dragged behind her. Her small hand completely engulfed in his much larger one.

“Anna, Honey, slow down. You’re going to pull Daddy’s arm out of...” his voice trailed off as his blue eyes settled upon the man leaning uncomfortably against the side of his car. A dozen emotions flashed across his slightly worn face. Anna slowed her pace, turning to face her father who wordlessly dropped her hand. “Go inside and help your Momma set up for dinner.”

“But Daddy...”

“Anna, now.” Anna’s eyes widened slightly and she took off running for the house, leaving the two men along in the front yard.

Neither spoke for the first few minutes, both staring uncomfortably at one another. The sharp pain of the door handle against his back kept him focused on what was happening before him. Dammit, this was not supposed to happen. And now that it had, he didn’t have the slightest idea what to do about it. Why the fuck did he think this was a good idea?

“Hunter.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. Short, emotionless, clinical in its nature. Hunter didn’t know quite what to make of it. In all the years he had known this man, he’d never heard him speak his name in such a cold manner. It was unnerving really.

True, he hadn’t expected a warm welcome. Hunter truly hadn’t expected any sort of welcome, but if he truly thought on it, this wasn’t the welcome he would have wanted.

He hadn’t a clue what to say. Somehow he figured the usual “long time, no see,” would not go over well. But he had no other words in his mind. Jesus, why didn’t he just leave when he’d had the chance? Stupid. God he was so fucking stupid sometimes.

The longer Hunter stood there silent and awkward, the deeper the glare settled on the face of the man standing before him. Silence clearly wasn’t an acceptable response either. Hunter swallowed, looking down at his hands before muttering “Adam” softly. It was better than nothing, he supposed.

“What are you doing here?” Adam’s voice was as even and emotionless as the last statement he’d uttered and it stung Hunter. He knew he didn’t deserve any less but that did not serve to lessen the blow.

“I,” he started, uncertainty ringing in his voice, “I don’t know.” Honesty was the best policy, wasn’t it? And after everything that had happened between them honesty was the very least Hunter could give him.

A frustrated sigh escaped from Adam’s chapped lips, the sound forcing Hunter to raise his eyes to face him. “You shouldn’t be here.”

Silently, Hunter nodded. It was true; he had no business being there. What had happened between them was over. And if he was truly honest with himself, it never should have happened in the first place. Being here was only going to bring up the things he had spent years running from. Things he thought he had let go of.

“I just,” Hunter began, “I just…found myself here. I never meant to…”

“Just leave, Hunter.” Adam’s voice was clipped, his eyes hard. Being here was hurting him; that much Hunter could read in his eyes. As much as the time had changed the man standing before him, so much had remained the same. And Adam had always worn his heart on his sleeve, despite how hard he tried to hide it.

Hunter nodded slowly before turning back towards his car. He’d always been a coward and this time proved to be no different. Running away again, aren’t we Burgan. Typical. Reaching for the handle, he turned back and said, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” He didn’t wait for a response; it wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. With a deep breath, Hunter climbed into the car and pulled off of the curb. Coming here had been a mistake.

Adam Carson stood staring blankly at the now empty road before him. The chaos and confusion flying through his mind was nearly deafening. He didn’t know what to think. Of all the things he expected to find when Anna had dragged him from the house talking a mile a minute, Hunter standing there looking much like a deer caught in the headlights was certainly not one of them.

The stupid bastard, he just had to show his damned face now; just when he was finally getting settled into his life. It was such a Hunter move. Show up whenever he damn well pleased; leave whenever it was convenient for him. Make a huge fucking mess of everyone’s life but his own.

Adam had never hated another human being so much. He’d taken everything he’d ever known and turned it on its head. He had made Adam question every choice he’d ever made, every vow he’d taken, every person he’d loved. All for nothing.

“Daddy?” the soft voice and gentle tugging on the side of his shirt brought Adam back to reality. His eyes turned down to the young girl standing beside him.

“Yes princess?” He fought hard to keep his voice in a happy, playful tone. He couldn’t afford to falter in front of his daughter. None of this was her fault.

“Did you fix the man’s car?”

He nodded, “Yeah, all fixed.” Anna smiled at him then, taking his hand once more and tugging him back towards the house, ready to show him the next interesting thing she had discovered. As he followed, Adam smiled softly. This was his life now, his entire world.

Whatever it was that had happened in the past was just that, the past he told himself. It was done and there was no sense it drudging it up. A familiar pair of eyes flashed in his mind, clouding his vision, and made the small, traitorous part of his heart that he had tried so desperately to ignore ache. Pushing that thought away he forced a smile to his face, ready to be whatever his little girl needed him to be.

As they passed through the kitchen, he paused behind his wife who was diligently focused on the bubbling pot before her. Adam smiled softly and kissed her cheek. She turned and smiled at him. “Love you,” she whispered to him before turning her attention back to the stove.

She really was a wonderful woman; smart, loving, and kind. He didn’t deserve her but he was grateful for her. “Love you too.” As the words left his lips, he hoped she couldn’t hear the small seed of doubt nestled in them. He needed to believe them; needed her to believe them. This needed to be enough for him, like it had been for the last five years.

He refused to let five minutes change what he’d spent several years building. This was his constant and he couldn’t survive without it, no matter what his traitorous heart whispered. This had to be enough. He would make it be enough, even if it killed him.

"Which is why you made us all these nifty Valentines Day cards!?" Jade giggled, settling rather comfortably into Davey’s lap.

"I had to do SOMETHING when I was woken up at 2 am by the two of you going at it next door!" Hunter scowled. "I swear to God, rooming next door to you two is going to make me go bald or something!!"

"Once we get rich and famous, we’ll buy you Rogaine!!" Jade promised, tearing at the envelope of the card. Inside was a black and white photocopy of a picture of Trent Reznor, he was covering his ears and he looked very much in pain. Across his forehead Hunter had written: This is me listening to Davey & Jade!! Inside were the NIN lyrics: "This thing is slowly tearing me apart/Grey would be the color . . .if I had a heart" Beneath it, Hunter had added his own personal sentiment: "Let me be the first to wish you Happy V-Day. Why am I the first? CUZ IT’S 2 AM, YA BASTARDS! GO BACK TO SLEEP!!"

"Brings tears of joy to my eyes!!" Davey sighed, as Jade held up the card for him to read. "Everyone is in the spirit of the day, it’s just so lovely!"

Jade leaned back to kiss him and they both nearly tumbled over in their chair.

"HA!! Suckers! Valentines Day is a day for suckers! It’s a stupid damn holiday!" Hunter exclaimed, laughing around a bite of cereal and soy milk. "And ya damn well better buy me Rogaine!! I’d better not need it! I’m blaming both of you if I do."

"Well, it was nice of you to think of us in your sleep deprived state." Adam smiled. He had a similar card, though his did not call him a bastard inside. "So what are you two doing today?" He asked Davey and Jade.

"Oh, just enjoying the immense pleasure of each other’s company." Jade grinned, feeding Davey some cereal.

"And how is that different from any other day?" Hunter rolled his eyes.

"Maybe we should enjoy each other’s company in another town." Davey suggested.

"A town far, far away!" Hunter added.

"Brilliant idea, love." Jade grinned. "And what is our sullen friend Hunter doing today?"

"I"m going back to bed to get away from you damn fruit loops. Damn people, keeping me up all night." Hunter mumbled, disappearing into his room and closing the door with a sound thud.

"Some people have no sense of romance!" Jade sniffed, hopping from Davey’s lap.

"Don’t wait up for us, Adam!" Davey waved as they headed out.

"Wasn’t planning on it." Adam shrugged, opening a newspaper.

About noon, Hunter stumbled back out of his room again.

"Feeling better?" Adam asked from where he was reclining on the couch, flipping channels.

"Is it still Valentines Day?"

"Last I checked."

"Then I’m still pissed."

Hunter pushed Adam’s feet aside to sit down on the couch. Adam promptly dropped his legs back across Hunter’s lap.

"Ooof! Hey man! Just cuz I don’t have anyone to spend Valentine’s Day with, doesn’t mean I won’t need my equipment later on down the line!"

"So what did she do this time?"

"Who?"

"Whoever the hell you just broke up with that’s got you in such a foul mood!"

"Aw Adam! Girls just like me for the way I look!" Hunter sighed.

"What a hard cross to bear, and yet you do it so graciously!" Adam rolled his eyes. "If that’s the only problem you have in your life . . . .that you’re too sexy for your girlfriend? Spare me, okay?"

"No, it’s not that! Girls don’t want ME! They want some generic blond dude in a band! They don’t care what I think or what I like, they don’t wanna hear what I have to say. They don’t care who I am. I’m blond, I play music, that’s all that matters. I could be Billy Idol, I could be Billy Duffy, I could be Billy Corgan—"

"Billy Corgan’s bald!"

"Which is what I’m gonna be if I have to room next to those two much longer! They should make a show called STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE AFI GUY! I’d dare someone to follow DAvey and Jade around all day and just live through it, much less try to make them over!!"

"Okay, all right! You know you wouldn’t want anyone making over Jade and Davey, it just wouldn’t be the same. Stop your belly aching."

"You don’t have to room next door to them . . . and I am belly aching! I’m hungry, damn it!"

"Tell ya what, to help you cope with the unbearable burden of being so good looking and in demand, let me take you to lunch. There’s a great new pizza place downtown. They have a white olive oil sauce. It’s killer bee."

"That sounds cool."

"So really, why did you break up with her?" Adam asked, getting up.

"Dude! She could quote me Good Charlotte lyrics, but she didn’t even know who Rancid were! And don’t get me started on Prince! She somehow got him and Dave Navarro mixed up!"

"That’s why you broke up with her?!"

"Well, she wasn’t that good in bed." Hunter shrugged.

"Oh! Well then! That makes all the difference in the world!" Adam mumbled sarcastically.

*******************

"So what now?" Adam asked as they sat outside, eating their vegetarian pizza.

"Anywhere we can go so I don’t have to see all these freaking happy couples!" Hunter shuddered, looking around him in disgust.

"We could go see a movie."

"Yeah!! Something with blood and guts and violence! And happy, romantic couples getting SLAUGHTERED!!" Hunter shouted as people began to turn and stare.

"It’s okay folks," Adam chuckled, nervously. "He’s on leave from Happy Dale Acres Funny Farm, he’s harmless." then to Hunter, "Shut up and come on! You’re going to get us arrested!!"

Hunter grabbed another slice of pizza for the road, scowling at anyone who looked in his direction.

Once they got to the theater, Hunter was in a snit once again.

"What?! No Texas Chainsaw Massacre? No My Bloody Valentine?! What happened to the classics?" He grumbled.

True, there were romances, comedies, romantic comedies and little else. Finally they settled on the new Robert Dinero/ Billy Crystal flick "Go Analyze Yourself!". No one got killed, but several people did get beaten up, which seemed to make Hunter feel a little better.

"Got anywhere else you need to be?" Adam asked as they left.

"Aside from checking on my harem of women---- oh wait! That was the dream Davey and Jade interrupted last night. No, I"m good. Why?"

"We need some groceries, wanna help?"

"Sure."

******************

"Damn, Adam. Since when do we buy so much stuff?" Hunter mused as they loaded up the car.

"Since I have an extra set of arms to help me carry them in."

"Ah, good point." Hunter shut the trunk and climbed in the front seat. "Thanks for taking me out today."

"Not a problem. It was either that, or sit at home and listen to you bitch!" Adam winked.

They got home to find that Jade and Davey still weren’t back and began the task of putting everything away.

"I don’t think I’ve ever seen the cabinets so full Do we even have enough room for all this stuff?" Hunter wondered aloud.

"Try under the sink." Adam pointed as he put two new gallons of soy milk in the fridge.

"Hey!! What’s this?" Hunter pulled out a dust covered bottle from the very back of the cabinet.

"Dude, don’t ask me! I think it came with the house!"

Hunter ran the bottle under the tap to clean it off.

"Jameson Irish Whiskey!! Yes!"

"Oh yeah, drink enough of that and you’ll forget how blond and good looking you are!" Adam rolled his eyes.

"The perfect ending to another Valentine’s Day!" Hunter reached for glasses and ice. "Hand me some cola, we need a chaser."

"Man, I wouldn’t." Adam eyed the bottle suspiciously. "You don’t know how long that’s been there or if it was even good to begin with!"

"And I don’t care!" Hunter proclaimed, heading with glasses, ice and cola into the livingroom.

"Know any good drinking games, Adam?" Hunter asked, breaking the seal and opening the bottle.

"Drinking games are for teenagers. Grown people just drink."

"Well sor-ry!" Hunter sniffed, pouring a shot and handing the bottle to Adam.

"Oh no! You go first! If you’re still standing in 30 seconds, I’ll try some too."

"Sure! Make ME be the guinea pig!"

"Well it was your idea."

"To every freaking useless holiday on earth! And to all those miserable happy couples! I hate you all!!" Hunter toasted before knocking back the shot. The look on his face said it all as he hurried to take a drink of cola.

"God! That was strong!" he gasped. "I’m still standing though, so don’t be a wuss!" He handed the bottle to Adam.

"Well, might as well get comfortable." Adam shrugged. He and Hunter sat down on the couch and he poured himself a shot.

"Come on man! Just plain drinking is boring! Play me quarters or something!"

Adam had just poured the shot down his throat and could only gasp in response.

" . . . Rocket fuel!" He managed, grabbing for the cola. "Dude, drink this crap by yourself!" He turned on the tv.

"Aw, come on Adam! I bet after the second shot you won’t even be able to taste it anymore anyway!"

Adam shook his head and kept flipping channels.

"Hey! Leave it on Soap Network."

"What!?"

"Dynasty Shots!!! Any time someone gets slapped, or there’s a cat fight, you take a drink! Come on, play with me, Adam!"

"Oh all right!"

Little did Adam know that this was a re-run of a season finale. After five consecutive shots, Adam, knowing his limit, wondered if he could psyche Hunter out.

Just as Alexis was about to slap Krystle, again, Adam exclaimed.

"Look! Hunter! A squirrel!!"

"What? Where!?" Hunter looked around, dazedly.

As he looked, Adam poured his own shot back in the bottle.

"Oh, thought I saw a squirrel outside the window." Outside the window it was pitch black, nothing could be seen.

The next time Adam actually poured his shot into Hunter’s chaser and Hunter never noticed. Soon the ease of the whole thing just took the fun out of it. Dynasty ended and the bottle was half full.

"I think we should call it a night." Adam reached to put the top on the bottle.

"I think we should play truth or dare!" Hunter grinned, eyes already glazing.

"Let’s not and say we did." Adam smiled, but Hunter grabbed the bottle.

"One last drink."

"Okay. One." Hunter poured them a shot.

"I know you’d be daring me to do something." Adam killed the shot and grabbed for the bottle before Hunter could. "So spare me getting even more shit-faced than we already are and just tell me what the dare is."

"I dare you to kiss me!" Hunter put his hands on his hips as if to say: top that!

"Why?!"

Hunter sighed and dropped his arms to his sides.

"Don’t you ever see how happy Jade and Davey are, like ALL the time?"

"So?"

"So, what if they know something we don’t?"

"Shouldn’t you be asking Jade for a kiss and not me?"

"Eeeeew! Jade’s GAY!" Hunter made a face.

"And you’re drunk!" Adam countered.

"Well, so are you!" Hunter burst out laughing.

"Okay Hunter, here’s a thought. Davey cuts himself too. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna spill my own blood just to see what it’s like. If Davey jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?"

"Probably!" Hunter started to laugh again. "Come on Adam, what if they’ve discovered some secret to being happy? You’ve never watched them and just been curious?"

Adam was silent. He unscrewed the top and took another drink.

"Ah-ha!" You can’t even deny it!"

"Okay fine, but . ."

Hunter leaned forward suddenly, taking Adam’s hands away from the bottle and pressing his lips to Adam’s mouth, which as still open from being in mid sentence. Taken aback, Adam froze until he felt Hunter’s warm tongue tentatively make it’s way into his mouth.

"Okay, WOAH!!" He pushed Hunter back much more roughly than he had intended. "You really have me confused with Jade!" He spat and turned away before the shame and embarrassment came to play across Hunter’s face. Getting up quickly, he soon realized that while standing was an effort, walking was near impossible without help.

He flopped back down on the couch, casting a suspicious eye in Hunter’s direction to see if he needed to prepare for another uninvited assault. Hunter’s head was down, tears streaming down his face.

"Hunter?" Adam reached to put a hand on Hunter’s shoulder, only to have him shrink away.

"I’m sorry Adam." Hunter sniffled. "Please don’t tell anyone? Please?!" His hands were beginning to shake and he crossed his arms, hugging himself tightly, which only made the rest of him shake as well. "I was just—" He fought to catch his breath. "Curious."

"Seriously now, who would I tell?" Adam tried to smile, but Hunter was unconvinced and turned away, burying his face in his hands.

"I won’t tell anyone. I swear. Don’t cry." Adam suddenly felt terrible for the way he’d reacted. "Come on, stay in my room tonight. You won’t have to listen to Davey and Jade, and besides. I don’t think I can walk on my own."

Hunter blinked and looked over cautiously.

"You’re not just saying that are you? You’re not going to get me in there and beat me up or something?"

"No, I’m not going to hit you! I’m not coordinated enough, even if I wanted to." Adam stood up unsteadily. "I would help you up, but I can barely stand myself." Hunter nodded and stood up. Adam threw an arm around him, and hanging on to the walls, they slowly made their way around the corner and down the hallway and into a bedroom, both falling on the bed. The only problem was, Adam had steered them to the left and not the right. The bed they happened to fall into belonged to Davey and Jade.

At 2 am Davey and Jade came skipping up the sidewalk.

"Damn it! The lights are on! I told them not to wait up!!" Davey whined.

"So, we’ll just do it in the bedroom and not on the couch!" Jade reasoned, grabbing him around the waist.

"But I LIKE the couch, it has extra spring to it! And the bedroom is a whole ten steps away! I don’t’ think I can wait that long!!"

Jade opened the door and stuck his head in.

"Coast is clear but . . . it kinda looks odd."

The tv was still on, the half empty bottle of Jameson and the glasses still sat out. Davey looked at it and wrinkled his nose.

"I’ll never understand those two!"

"Oh my god!!" Jade backed out of the bedroom, doubled over with laughter, with his hand clamped over his mouth.

"What?"

"Shhhh!" Jade waved him over.

There was Hunter and Adam, dead to the world on Jade and Davey’s bed. Adam had one arm around Hunter’s shoulder and Hunter had both arms around Adam’s waist and his head on Adam’s chest.

"Where’s the camera?! I’ve gotta get a picture of this!"

"Jade, come on!"

"Where IS that camera?" Jade began to look frantically around, still giggling.

"Seriously Jade! No!"

"Aw come on! We could get our way for the rest of our lives with blackmail pictures like that!"

"NO! Come on or you’re not getting any!!" Davey glared with his hands on his hips.

"Okay! Geez!! So, where are we going? Who’s bed do we get to defile?"

"I say Adam’s. You know Hunter hardly ever changes his sheets!" Davey made a face. "Go get our stuff, hurry up!" Davey slapped Jade on the ass to get him in gear. Jade was back in an instant with his hands full.

"Can’t I just leave some empty condom wrappers in the bed, just to make them wonder?"

"NO!!"

"Come on! I know some great tricks with hair gel!" Jade pleaded.

"You’ve got ten seconds to get in here and show ME your tricks or you’re sleeping on the couch!" Davey’s voice was petulant as he disappeared into Adam’s room with Jade following close behind.

*******************

When Adam awoke to pink and purple surroundings he immediately realized his mistake. He wiggled out of Hunter’s grasp and poked his head out. Jade and Davey were snuggled on the couch. Squinting at the clock on the wall, he could see it was past noon. He still felt he needed sleep so he staggered to his room, only to stagger right back out again.

"Why are there no sheets on my bed?"

Jade immediately burst out laughing, pausing only to gasp out: "And Mama Bear said "Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed! And they’re still here!!"

"We had to sleep somewhere Adam!" Davey reasoned.

"Eeeeeeeeewww!" Adam covered his face.

"Hey! We’re washing your sheets so don’t complain!!"

"Looks like Hunter had a nice Valentine’s Day after all." Jade snickered, until Davey elbowed him.

"What Hunter had was 8 shots of whatever that shit was last night." Adam shook his head. "Enough to make anyone act odd." He mumbled to himself, stumbling to the kitchen to get something to eat. "Thank you for getting groceries Adam." He said to himself mockingly.

"Yeah, thanks Adam we appreciate it!" Davey responded, glaring at Jade before he could make another smart aleck comment.

"Thanks Adam!" Jade added hastily.

"You’re welcome." Adam sighed. "Thanks for washing my sheets. Mighty decent of you!"

About 30 minutes later Hunter woke up, instantly startled at the surroundings and stuck his head out the door. Adam was still at the table with his back turned and DAvey and Jade were still on the couch, too wrapped up in each other to notice anything else. As quietly as he could, Hunter snuck back into his own room and shut the door. Adam looked over minutes later and seeing Hunter’s door now closed, got up from the table.

"Hunter?" He asked softly, as he knocked. There was no response. "It’s Adam, just wanted to see if you’re okay."

The door opened slowly and Hunter stepped back to let Adam in before falling back on his bed with a groan.

"I was hoping I wouldn’t remember anything." He sighed miserably, refusing to look up at Adam. "The only thing I don’t remember is how I got into Jade and Davey’s room."

"That was my fault. You were supposed to sleep in my room and I led us both to the wrong place. I’m sorry."

"So I guess everyone knows?" Hunter sounded on the verge of tears.

"The only thing they know is that both of us were too drunk to find our own rooms."

"Right, and we both pass out on the same bed. What a coincidence!" Hunter scowled.

"Hey!" Adam sat down next to him. "At least Davey and Jade didn’t have sex in YOUR bed last night!!"

"Ugh!!" Hunter covered his face. "God Adam!! I feel sick enough as it is!!"

"Sorry, had to complain to someone!"

"It’s okay, I guess. Adam I am really—"

Adam held up his hand.

"After today we’ll never speak of it again. Deal?" He held out his hand.

"Deal." Hunter shook it.

"Look," Adam said, getting up. "The next time Davey and Jade wake you up, you can come stay in my room, just knock on my door. It’s a little quieter and I won’t mind."

"Thanks Adam."

"Did you have a decent Valentines Day at least?" He smirked as he reached the door.

"I suppose I’ve had worse. Oh, and the chick I broke up with? You definitely kiss better than she does." Hunter grinned. "But that’s just between us."

"I’m going out. I gotta have a drink." Adam mumbled, propelling himself off the couch.

"It’s not going to make you feel any better, Adam." Davey offered, brown eyes remorseful, looking up from where his head rested on Jade’s shoulder.

"You know what?! It’s beer Dave! Beer is all natural! Barley, oats, and shit! No animals died for my beer Dave! There’s nothing wrong with beer! If anyone needs me I’ll be in the back of the Ancient Mariner." Adam shrugged on a jacket and headed for the door.

"Call me if you need a ride." Said Jade. He was answered by a slam.

"Ah, evening Captain Carson. How are we tonight, laddie?"

"Miserable."

"So what’ll it be for ya?"

"Usual."

"Sam Adams draft it is. I’ve got special blonde ale in if you’d care to try it."

"No thanks, I’m just going to take this to the back."

"Not feeling social tonight?"

"Aye. And blonde’s are nothing but trouble." Adam tried to smile but it came out more of a sneer.

"All right then, I’ll send the serving wench over in a bit to set ya up again."

"Thanks Sulley."

He sat down beneath a giant, mounted blue marlin, with the tall glass at a table in the darkest corner he could find. Leaning back, he downed a huge swallow. It was a slow night and with nothing else to do, he watched the foam sliding back down the side and began to think to himself.

"Tonight in a bar, alone I’m sitting Apart from the laughter and the cheers As scenes from the past rise before me Just watching the bubbles in my beer . . ."

It had been a typical night, all but the last few hours of it. He’d listened in on Davey and Jade as they discussed new song lyrics and melodies, tossed around some new ideas for logos and shirts and just generally talked animatedly about how nice it was to have a break even though the Javeys were already hard at work writing material.

"Can’t help it man, it’s a never ending process. I see something, I get inspired, write a couple of lines, take it to Jade and here we go all over again."

"But isn’t it odd to never have a real vacation?"

"I don’t want a vacation. What, sit around and be bored? Go downtown, walk around, let people stare at me and shit? No thanks, I’ll just stay here and write songs. Hunter’s writing songs too, but not for us." Davey had said.

"God, is that why there has been no break in the crappy Prince montage blaring nonstop from his room everyday?" Adam had rolled his eyes.

"Yup. Barely comes out to eat. See, he’s working too. You’re the only one slacking, pirate boy." Davey had laughed.

"Hey, I resemble that comment. Guess I’ll go see what our Aryan Prince disciple is up to."

A knock was made at the closed door and finally the blaring music was turned down.

"What?!"

"It’s Adam man, don’t you ever come out of this room anymore? You’re gonna be as pale as that hair of yours if you don’t come out for air once in a while."

The door had immediately swung open and the grinning blond bass player had ushered him inside.

"I’m so psyched Adam!!" He said with much animation. "This is the best stuff I’ve ever written! I can’t wait to lay down tracks for this! It’s hot, it’s sexy! It’s so me!!"

"Uh, okay whatever you say, man." Adam had sat down on the bed and as he did his foot kicked something just under the edge of the bedspread. Empty beer bottles scattered in all directions.

"Sssssssh! Dude!" Hunter turned up the music to cover the sound, Adam just shook his head.

"Don’t let Davey catch you with all that in here. You know he doesn’t allow that in the house."

"Heh-heh. Why do you think I haven’t come out of my room in so long? Here, have one?"

"Uhh!! Warm beer? Not on your life!"

"No doofus, check this out. A mini fridge. Like sixty bucks at Spencer’s." Hunter brushed off a huge pile of dirty laundry to reveal a small brown box. He opened it and there was just room inside for a six pack of cans.

"Wow. I applaud you ingenuity. Guess I can’t say no now."

And so it had gone, each time one beer was taken out, it was replaced with another one to cool and the supply seemed never ending. Hunter had played him all of the songs he’d written and Adam had to admit, even though he couldn’t stand that type of music, the songs had been pretty catchy.

Before they realized it was nearing 2 am.

"I need some sleep man, I’ll see ya tomorrow." Adam stood up, only to grab for the closest thing he could to steady himself. This happened to be Hunter’s spikey blond head.

"Ha! You can’t even walk. If Davey catches you staggering down the hall we are both SO busted. Stay here with me. I don’t care."

"What the hell. Okay."

Adam had peeled off his t-shirt and fallen back on the bed with a groan. Hunter had snapped off the light and for a moment all was quiet.

"I’m thinking of maybe going away for a bit." Hunter said softly.

"What do you mean?"

"I met someone from Paisley Park. He thinks he can get me studio time there. It’s gonna take almost all the money I earned on the last tour. I could go to Minneapolis, stay a week or so, lay down the tracks. Can you imagine . . . "Recorded at Paisley Park" on one of MY records?"

"That’s great Hunter. Don’t stay gone too long, we’ll miss ya."

"Yeah, I’ll really miss you too Adam."

From out of nowhere Adam had felt another set of lips on his, there was no one in the room but him and Hunter. Without thinking he had just begun to kiss back when it hit him what was going on. By this time the bass player’s calloused hands had slid down his chest, resting lightly on his hips, just above his belt loops. They stayed there, dancing circles against his bare flesh. Drunken state or no, this was not good.

"Mmmfffpphht! What the hell!?" He had screamed once he’d wiggled free. Rolling over Hunter he’d quickly turned back on the light. "What the hell was that about?!" He’d screamed, feeling his face flush from shock and embarrassment.

"I—I really like you Adam. I have for a while. And I thought, you know I may be gone soon and I just thought I’d take a chance. Come on, it really wasn’t so bad, was it?" The pout on his face had lasted only for a moment before he leaned close again.

He’s not really going to do this . . . . The feeling of warms lips against his own quickly answered the question and Adam was immediately awash in feelings he never knew existed and it scared him to death. Hands reached out to grip Hunter’s shoulders and just as the blond relaxed, thinking the kiss was about to be returned, he was flung backward so hard he fell off the bed on the other side.

"If you EVER, ever try that again you will be spitting teeth!! Do you understand me?!" Adam had screamed, leaping from the bed and heading for the door. In a second he was out in the hall, the door slamming behind him.

"What on earth is going on out there?" Davey stuck his head out of his own door, blinking, eyes squinted from sleep.

"Just stumbling over Hunter’s pile of beer bottles!" Adam snapped, heading to his own room.

Davey made a face and went back to bed.

The next day by the time Adam rolled out of his own bed, Hunter was at the table getting the mother of all lectures from Davey. He didn’t look up at Adam as he grabbed a bagel and jelly. Adam stuck around to hear some of it with a certain bit of satisfaction, then disappeared back to his room. The next time he ventured out the house had been quiet.

"I’m seeing the road that I’ve traveled A road paved with heartache and tears And I’m seeing the past that I’ve wasted While watching the bubbles in my beer."

"Care for a refill, you sexy pirate?"

His head snapped up. He blinked. The glass was now indeed empty.

"Aye wench and make it snappy. My throat’s already dry."

"Right away Captain Carson." The girl had winked, sashaying away with his empty glass.

He had found other things to do, had taken in a baseball game and of course stopped off that the Ancient Mariner for a beer, he got back to the house later in the evening and as he had changed for bed, he had heard voices in the hallway.

"Hey Dave. It’s Hunter, um, are you alone?"

He couldn’t hear the reply.

"Um, okay, can I come in then? I need to talk."

He sighed. He’d stayed gone with the sole intention of avoiding Hunter and it had worked. Just hearing his voice now gave the lanky drummer goose bumps. Why had that kiss affected him so? What was wrong with him? Screw that! He was just fine, what the hell was wrong with Hunter?

"Here you are Captain Pirate Man." The girl had grinned again. He reached in his pocket, pulled out a ten dollar bill and stuck it down the front of her dress. That kiss was nothing. It meant nothing. I like girls. I still SO like girls. I’m gonna prove it now . . .

"Argh, thank ye pretty lady." He winked, she blushed and walked away. Yep, I still got it, he thought smugly to himself. The bravado was short lived as he continued to think back.

Across the hall that night there was a conversation taking place he would not be privy to.

"Davey, I’ve decided to go ahead and do the solo project." Hunter had sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets, standing though Davey had invited him to sit.

"Um, yeah, didn’t you already tell me this? I told you it was okay."

"No, I told you I was doing a side project. A side project means something you’re doing aside from the band. A solo project means you’re leaving."

Davey stood up quickly.

"You’re leaving? The band? Our band? What is going on?"

"Um, I can’t really say, um a whole lot."

"Well then say what you can." Davey took Hunter by the hand and pulled him over to the bed, forcing him to sit down.

"I’ve never fit in Dave. You know that."

"Never fit in? Four albums with us and you’re just now saying you don’t fit in?! How can you say that?"

"I’ve always felt it, I’ve just never said it. Jade’s your lover, Adam’s your best friend, I’m just . . . .I’m just a hired musician. I don’t listen to the same music as you guys, I’m not straight edge—."

"Neither is Adam."

"But he is your best friend, he is the founder of this band, and he’s not someone to have on your bad—." Hunter stopped abruptly.

"What?"

"Nothing." He sighed, looking at his hands. "My mind’s made up, my things are packed, my ride is on it’s way in the morning. I’m heading home to Oakland for a few days, then on to Minneapolis. Don’t know for how long."

"So that’s just it. You’re quitting, we have to find someone else?!"

"I wasn’t that good to begin with Dave. I can’t sing as good as Jade can." Hunter shrugged.

"There’s more to this, I know it. Just tell me."

"I can’t, it will only complicate things."

"You’ve known me this long and you really don’t think I’d understand."

"You probably would, but I can’t say it. I’ll write you a letter and explain everything when I get home."

"Your home’s here Hunter."

"My home’s in Oakland." He stood up. "Davey, I can’t go without saying it has been a privilege to work with you. I may not have felt I fit in, but you’ve been nothing but kind and professional and caring. I just think you’re the best. I’m really gonna miss you."

"You’re really doing this?" Davey stood up, his eyes filling with tears as he pulled Hunter into a hug.

"I have to, I can’t stay."

"You’ll explain everything in the letter, you promise?"

"Cross my heart. Look, I plan on being gone before anyone wakes up, so this is goodbye."

"It’s so bad you have to leave like now?"

Hunter nodded.

"Hunter, is it me? Have I done something to hurt you? Are you mad cuz Jade and I were writing songs without you?"

"You always write songs without me. No Davey, you’ve been nothing but wonderful to me."

"Are you at least going to say goodbye to Adam and Jade?"

"Uh, yeah . . .sure."

"Damn it, and here I was thinking I might actually get some sleep tonight." Davey sighed

"I’m sorry." Hunter’s face crinkled as his brow furrowed.

"Whatever it is you’re running from, I hope it gets better. I wish you’d let me help."

"Nothing can help but being away and recording my music. Good night Dave. You’ve been a great friend."

Davey hugged Hunter one last time and watched him leave.

It was past midnight when Adam had given up on sleep and went into the kitchen for some water. Hunter was sitting at the table, head down, playing with the o’s of a bowl of Cheerio’s and soy milk.

Adam almost turned right back to his room, but his thirst got the better of him and cautiously walked behind Hunter to the fridge.

"I’m really gonna miss this table." Hunter sighed softly, still not looking up. "The meals, the good times, the talks, the planning. We planned our future at this table and then we went out and made it happen. However, sorry if this offends you, but I won’t miss never having real milk." He took a bite.

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

Hunter jumped with such a start, the spoon fell from his hand and milk splashed over the table.

"I----I thought you were Jade. I’m sorry!" Hunter leaped up, heading for his room.

"What the hell, you scared of me now?!" Adam sneered.

Hunter turned to face him for a short moment, speaking clearly and looking him straight in the eye.

"I could never fear someone I loved so much. I’m sorry Adam. I’m sorry to have ruined our friendship."

Adam could have said something, he could have said "You didn’t." He could have said, "You’re forgiven.", but the statement took him by such surprise he remained silent and watched Hunter walk away.

"A vision of someone of who loved me Brings a lone, silent tear to my eye oh, I know that my life has been a failure Just watching the bubbles in my beer."

He should have known something was different when he awoke, went down the hall and there was no 80's era Prince blaring from Hunter’s room. As he stepped into the hallway, the house was so quiet he could hear the conversation Jade and Davey were having at breakfast table.

"I’m just in shock." Davey was saying. "Is this what parents feel like when their kids leave home?"

"At least he said goodbye to you!! He didn’t even say goodbye! I’ll bet Adam knows something. They’re best friends, he had to have told him something."

"What’s going on?" Adam asked.

"What did Hunter tell you before he left?"

"What do you mean?" Adam pulled up a chair.

"I mean, aside from goodbye, did he tell you why?"

"Why what?"

"Why he left?!" Davey snapped, losing all patience.

"He left?!" Adam’s face mirrored the confusion in his voice.

"Uh yeah!! Go look in his room, Capt. Obvious!" Jade was getting as pissy as Davey and reason why was apparent as soon as Adam opened Hunter’s door. Everything was gone. The pillows on the bed and the bed itself were all that remained.

"When? Where . . .?"

"He didn’t tell you? Anything?"

Adam shook his head.

"Great, I’ll have to wait and see if he writes me when he gets there like he said he would."

"Where?"

"Oakland."

One last gulp and the beer was nothing but a puff of foam in the bottom of the glass. The letter had come that afternoon. He should have known what it said from the way Davey had looked at him afterward. Of course Jade got to read it next and Adam’s turn came last.

Dear Davey,

I couldn’t tell you face to face, I didn’t want there to be a big fight and I’m not good with words anyway. I’m in love with someone in the band. I already told you this had nothing to do with you, I’d never try to poach on Jade so that just leaves one person. I would say my best friend, but that’s not true. He’s always been your best friend, maybe all I was to him was a drinking buddy, to me he was everything good in this world.

Well Dave, I really screwed the pooch on this one. We got drunk and I was telling him how I was planning to leave anyway and I was. Not back home, but out to make a go of the album. And all of a sudden I got to missing him so bad even though I hadn’t even left yet and he was still right there. And I did something stupid. I tried to kiss him, not once but twice. And well, let’s just say he made his feelings for me clear.

Anyway, after that I knew it was over. Imagine going to rehearsals and him staring at me and thinking of what a sicko I am and never being able to pal around with him or go out drinking ever again cuz he’ll always be afraid I’m gonna put moves on him again. And who knows, I’m such a dimwit I probably would.

I know he’s your best friend and I meant no disrespect for him. It wasn’t a sex thing, I know you don’t approve of that. I will tell you that I loved him with everything in my heart and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Please don’t be mad at him, he was just being as honest with his feelings as I was trying to.

I think back to all the times I could have tried to tell him how I felt, it was never right, it would have always jeopardized something we had going as a band. So now you can start over again, find someone else that is straight edge and can share makeup tips with you and Jade and all that stuff I just wasn’t into. If you’re going to be mad at someone or hate someone, let it be me. It’s easier since I’ll be gone anyway. You can tell everyone about the annoying little guy that ruined your band or whatever, but I know my leaving only makes things better, not worse.

Besides, playing the bass is not rocket science. There have to be tens of thousands of guys out there who could easily take my place. You can find someone who’s straight edge like you and Jade, who wears MAC eyeliner, who listens to Bauhaus and Slayer instead of Morris Day and the Time. Somebody else will do this a lot better than I did.

Wish me luck in the big bad world. Thanks for listening, thanks for actually wanting to know. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Thanks to you, all my dreams have come true. Well, most of them anyway. I’d still like to meet and work with Prince, that’s why I’m leaving in few days for the great frozen north. And then there’s Adam, the dream that was never meant to come true.

Thanks for everything else anyway.

Hunter.

He looked at his glass again. One more? There was always room for one more. Wasn’t that a song by Anthrax? Across the room someone was playing the jukebox. He closed his eyes and listened before raising his glass to signal the serving wench.

"As I think of the heart that I’ve broken And the golden chances that have passed me past me by And the dreams that I’ve chased all seem empty As empty as the bubbles in my beer . . ."

"All right Sulley, guess I’m gone." He placed a couple of bills on the bar to cover what was left of his tab.

"Have a good one, Carson."

"Doubtful. Hey, can I use your phone?"

"Sure."

He picked up the receiver and punched in the key pad.

"Yeah, Greyhound? I was wondering when the next bus leaves for Oakland and how much the fare was." With one of the waitresses pens he scribbled some numbers on his hand and then checked the cash in his wallet. "Thanks."

He hung up the phone and dialed again.