#sparkinside writes

TWO

Monday mornings had never been a favorite of Adam’s, they always seemed to come far too quickly for his liking. Especially this particular Monday morning. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, he needed coffee and badly. Stumbling towards the kitchen, he groped blindly for the light switch. He swore the damned thing moved just to spite him.

He finally found it a few moments later, continuing his stumble into the kitchen. His eyes fell upon the half filled coffee pot. It was stone cold and from the previous morning but he desperately needed the caffeine. He could always make a fresh pot later. A minute or so in the microwave and it would be good as new...Or well, close enough to it.

A hiss fell from his lips as the now steaming liquid passed them. Shit, he really needed to learn that the ‘beverage’ button on his microwave only brought third degree burns and a handful of curses. Dropping the mug onto the kitchen counter, he sighed. Just what he needed.

Somehow, though he honestly wasn’t sure how, he’d managed to get maybe four hours of sleep the night before. And, he thought with a grimace, he didn’t even want to think about how little he’d gotten that Saturday.

True, he’d gotten used to sleepless nights, living on the road seven months out of the year off and on for the past thirteen years saw to that, but between worrying about Ron’s odd behavior and the odd dreams he’d been plagued with the night before he’d barely managed to get enough to function. The best he could hope for now was that the coffee would at least make him bearable.

His eyes rolled over towards the clock on the coffee pot. Seven thirty-five. Jesus, it was far too early. With coffee mug in hand, he wandered from the all too small kitchen towards his even smaller living room. True, he could afford bigger and certainly better, but this was his home and he didn’t abandon things easily. Ron had always told him he was a stubborn bastard like that. He chuckled, she really had a point there.

Settling on the well-worn couch, Adam leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He knew there was no way he’d be getting anymore sleep today, but maybe if he just forced himself to relax a bit he’d feel more rested. As well as he’d managed to function on little sleep, he knew he needed to have his wits about him today. It was the last day he’d have off before another long stretch in the studio and there was quite a few things he wanted to get done while he had the chance. Top thing on that list being paying a visit to Ron.

Ron had been a constant in his life for as long as he could remember. They’d grown up together, shared more than he’d ever shared with another living soul. She was the one person he could say he knew inside and out and that knew him the same way. And that was what made her subdued and somber reaction so jarring for him. This was something she had always wanted. She should have been singing from the rooftops; not laying in his arms, silent and uncertain.

He didn’t dare begin to explore his own discomfort at the situation. It had to be simply the fact that something was bothering her that made him so uneasily, so uncomfortable with the entire situation. This was good news. His best friend was going to be a mother, was finally getting the one thing he knew she had longed for. This was a happy thing. He would be an honorary uncle; all the best parts of the job without the responsibility of raising a child on his own. This was a good thing. She was just scared and therefore so was he. That was it. That had to be it.

Adam rubbed his free hand over the two days worth of stubble on his chin. Jesus, he was getting too old for this. And he certainly was no closer to relaxing than he had been half an hour ago. He grimaced as the brought the coffee mug to his lips. Great, now his coffee was stone cold. Perfect.

Pushing himself up off the couch, he made his way back into the kitchen for round two of his caffeine battle. When the microwave chimed for the second time that morning Adam made sure to wait a few minutes more before taking his first, well second if he was going to be completely honest, sip of the morning. Much better. At least he’d managed to learn something that morning.

It took him a half an hour from that point to finish enough of that cup to even contemplate a shower, which he knew he desperately needed. Maybe this would offer him a clean slate, a fresh start. Or at least hide the fact that he was running on caffeine and not enough sleep.

Ron hated the fact that he rarely slept, that he wasn’t taking care of himself. It was annoying really, sweet perhaps, but mainly annoying. He chuckled softly to himself; she’d been mothering him like that for as long as he could remember. Now she would have something, someone else, to mother. That thought unsettled him slightly. And that would never do.

Grabbing the first set of clean jeans and a t-shirt he could find, Adam made his way into the bathroom. It took him a few minutes to get the water temperature to the perfect setting between the either freezing cold or scalding hot that his shower seemed to prefer. Shedding his clothes, Adam stepped inside. He closed his eyes and let the warmth envelope him.

Clean and vigor slightly renewed, Adam walked from his apartment to the small lot towards his car. It was early still, but he knew Ron was an early riser, something he had teased her about for years. She could be up until all hours of the night and still be up before seven. It was uncanny, really and upon occasion, rather annoying; especially if she decided that he should be up as well. She had always been evil like that.

It was nicer outside than he had thought it would be. The jacket he’d grabbed on the way out of the door now seemed rather unnecessary. But, he figured, it was better to be safe than sorry. The last thing he needed was to catch a cold now. Their time in the studio was already tight to begin with; any changes to it now would only serve to create a bigger headache than was necessary.

The drive to Ron’s was rather uneventful. The volume of traffic on the road was surprisingly light for this time on a Monday morning, cutting the normal half an hour drive in half. As he turned the corner of her street, Adam felt a surge of annoyance. Chris’ car sat idly at the top of the driveway. He made a conscious effort to shake the feeling off. What the hell was wrong with him? Of course he would be home; it was his house after all. And Adam liked Chris, most of the time anyway. He was good to Ron and that was all that he could ask for.

Adam pulled his car alongside the curb, letting the engine idle a minute before shutting it off. No time like the present, he thought. He climbed from the car and began his trek up the small sloping driveway to the front door. Adam raised his hand to knock on the door, startling slightly as it pulled open before his hand made contact.

Chris stood in the doorway, smiling. “Hey, is everything alright? You’re here awful early.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Adam started, running his hand through his hair, “Had a rough weekend and couldn’t really sleep. She awake?” He couldn’t shake the thought that this was a bad idea. He hadn’t thought any of this through. He never seemed to when it came to Ron. He never really had to. She was always there, no matter the time, no matter what else was going on. She had always been his rock. But things were different now. Everything was different and that scared Adam more than he cared to admit.

Chris nodded, stepping aside to let Adam enter. “Yeah, she’s in the kitchen.”

Adam smiled briefly in thanks before heading towards the back of the house. He shook off the annoyance that was creeping through him and worked to school his face into a calm facade. He caught sight of her sitting at the scarred wooden table, her shoulders tense and a weariness radiating around her that stopped him in his tracks. Something was very wrong.

Steeling himself, he knocked lightly on the door frame before walking into the room. Ron jerked her head up at the sound. “God, Adam you nearly scared me to death.”

He smirked and silently settled himself into the chair next to hers. “Not my fault you’re unobservant.”

“Fuck off.”

Adam threw a hand over his heart, “Language, young lady! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Ron laughed, rolling her eyes. “You are absurd.”

“And you wouldn’t have it any other way.” She looked calmer now, slightly more at ease, and Adam felt he knot in his stomach loosen ever so slightly but did not let himself dwell on just why that was.

Sighing, Ron turned her attention back onto Adam, her eyes taking in the dark circles and still drying hair. Unconsciously, she reached up tucking an unruly curl behind his ear. He was taken aback by the jolt that coursed through him. “You alright? You look like you barely slept.”

Adam blinked for several minutes, trying to focus on her words. “Yeah, couldn’t seem to shut my brain off. Studio jitters,” he trailed off, his reasoning sounding weak even to his ears. What the hell was wrong with him? “And I figured you’d be up to annoy them away.” He cracked a smile, hoping to force her to do the same.

But she just stared at him, eyes scanning his face and full of concern. He knew that she hadn’t believed a word of it, she knew him too well. “What’s really going on, Ad?”

Adam shook his head, leaning himself back against the chair. “I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long weekend.”

Ron smiled softly at him, placing her hand on his knee and giving it an affectionate squeeze. “Still stuck on her not showing?”

He blinked in surprise at her words, “What? Oh yeah, I guess. That and just the stress of everything. You know me.” He shrugged and smiled. “I just mainly wanted to see how you were doing? You seemed, I don’t know, a bit off earlier. Are you okay?”

It was Ron’s turn to blink incomprehensively for several moments. “I’m fine. Just a bit discombobulated by it all. I mean, it’s a big change. A great one, don’t get me wrong. It’s just a lot to take in.”

Adam nodded, though he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was far more to the story than she was letting on. She was obviously not ready to say anything and experience taught him that pushing her would only cause her to pull farther away. So he would let it be. No matter how much it ate at him.

“Seriously, Adam, what the hell’s wrong with you?” Davey’s voice was laced with barely repressed frustration. And Adam couldn’t blame him. His concentration was shot. He was making stupid mistakes. Mistakes he never made. And for the most part his band mates had been understanding. He got the usual shit from Hunter, the man could never leave well enough alone. But Davey and Jade had been surprisingly patient until that point.

“I don’t fucking know,” Adam hissed between his teeth, dropping his sticks and grabbing for the bottle of water he’d taken to keeping by his kit. He knew these songs, they had practiced them nearly to death before heading into the studio. He shouldn’t be constantly messing them up. He sighed, tightening the cap back onto the bottle and tossing it back onto the floor. “Let’s try it again.”

But several takes later it was clear that his head wasn’t in it. He growled in frustration, ripping the headphones off his ears. He was tempted to throw them across the room in a fit of temper but immediately thought better of it. He ignored the concerned and frustrated looks of his band mates and the rest of the studio crew and stormed for the door. He needed a cigarette and badly.

It had taken three to calm his nerves enough to re-enter the studio. He muttered an apology and took a seat in the back of the studio, running his hands through his hair. He needed to get a grip. This was his life, why the fuck was he letting himself screw it up? He’d gotten so good at keeping his personal life out of the band. They had always been two distinctly separate parts of himself. And here he was letting something that he had no control over, no real say in, mess him up. It was ridiculous and he knew it.

“You okay?”

Adam shrugged. “Yeah, just tired.”

Jade’s inquisitive eyes roamed over Adam, narrowing slightly, eyebrow rising. It was clear he didn’t believe a word Adam had spoken. Adam chuckled, the man never missed anything. It was annoyingly endearing.

“I’m fine, Jade. I just needed a few minutes to get my head back in the game. Let’s get back to it.” He pushed himself up off his chair and made his way back into the recording booth, settling quietly behind his kit.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of noise and frustration. Somehow he’d managed to lay enough down to at least make the session not a complete waste, but nowhere near what he was capable of. Adam felt drained.

I just need to sleep, He told himself. Everything would be better once he actually slept. He was just tired and not thinking clearly. Once he’d slept it would make more sense. It had to. But his brain refused to shut off. He’d tried just about every trick he’d learned to force himself to sleep and nothing was working.

This is ridiculous. He couldn’t understand why he was so worked up. It’s not like he hadn’t handled change before. Sure it wasn’t his strong suit, stick in the mud was how his mother had put it, but he could roll with change. It just took longer. But this felt different. And he couldn’t understand why.

ONE: I’ll be chasing you the rest of my life

Slowly, he drummed his fingers across the white tablecloth, every once in awhile his eyes straining up to the clock hanging on the far wall. The soft murmur of the tables surrounding him filled his ears. He should have known this would happen.

He sighed. She was late again. She was always late. Why he kept expecting that to change, he’d never understand. But still he was here. Still he’d given her the benefit of the doubt again. It was stupid of him, he knew that, but it didn’t stop him from agreeing to meet her in the first place. He was a real fucking idiot.

Giving the clock one last glance, he pushed himself from the table. Coming had been a mistake. He had known it would be from the moment he’d gotten her message the day before. Why he refused to listen to his own sense of reason was beyond him as well.

Leaving enough to cover the three cups of coffee he’d consumed while he waited, he pushed open the glass door of the small restaurant and stepped out into the darkened sidewalk. The air outside was slightly chilled, a sure sign that winter was on its way. He paid it little mind, pulling his light jacket tighter around his tall frame as he made his way into farther the night.

He shoved his hands into his pockets, staring ahead at the sidewalk before him. The streets weren’t crowded in any sense nor were they completely empty. He liked it that way – he wasn’t invisible but he didn’t stand out. Hardly anyone he passed paid him any mind, all too tangled in their own happenings.

A half smile formed on his lips. Yes, the night had been as close to a complete disaster as he cared to come, but he would get over it. She didn’t really matter in the scheme of things. And now he had the rest of the evening to do with as he wished. No painful small talk, no awkward silences or clumsy, desperate sex he’d regret soon after waking the next morning. In a way, he was grateful she’d stood him up.

Though his car still sat in the restaurant’s parking lot, he continued down the sidewalk. He didn’t feel like heading home. Not just yet. He took a deep breath, taking in the sights around him. The city was beautiful at night. The soft glow of the street lamps, the shine from the lights of the signs advertising the various stores. He’d never bothered to notice any of that before; he’d been in too much of a hurry for this or that. Everything had just held a higher precedence than the world revolving around him.

He shook his head, laughing softly at himself as he continued down the sidewalk. What was wrong with him lately? Maybe he had been spending too much time in the studio, like Ron had pestered him about for weeks on end. He sighed, it wasn’t his fault they had been on a roll and he’d been hard pressed to break himself from it. The last record had taken them nearly three and a half years to put out and as happy as they all had been with the finished product, spending another three and a half years in the studio would drive all four of them completely mad.

But tonight had been one of the few nights he allowed himself off. True, it had partially been for the sole purpose of the night he’d planned to spend with her, but it was a night off. And now he had been left with the task of finding someway of filling it.

The longer he walked, the thinner crowd on the streets became. He hadn’t bothered to glance at his watch, but he knew almost instinctively that it was growing late. The small voice in the back of his head urged him to give up the ghost and head home. There wasn’t much else he could do tonight, but the prospect of his empty apartment was something he wasn’t quite ready to face.

He allowed himself to loop once more around the block before he began his slow trek back to his car. It wasn’t the most beautiful of vehicles, older than he cared to think about and clinging to its last legs, but he had grown attached to it over the years. As silly as it sounded, the bag of bolts had become a part of him, much to the chagrin of his closest friends.

He chuckled to himself as he climbed inside, being careful to shut the driver’s side door just so. It was a fickle thing but over the years he’d learned all its tricks. He’d grown used to it. Yes, he could afford a new car, he knew that. And he knew probably should, but letting go of something had never been a strong suit of his.

Absent-mindedly, he flipped on the radio. It wasn’t that he much cared what was playing, it was the fact that he needed some sort of background noise when he drove. He hated silence – why he couldn’t explain, but he needed the noise. It drove his bandmates crazy – it seemed to drive everyone crazy, but it was something they eventually had grown used to. Or at least they’d given up complaining about. It was something everyone eventually accepted as purely him.

The roads were relatively empty for this time of night, but then again long stretches of time on the road meant his sense of time wasn’t exactly on par with the general public. It was nice, really, having the road mostly to himself. For a moment he contemplated simply starting off in one direction and never looking back. He knew he never would, but he did have to admit the idea was alluring.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, he pulled onto the main road, being his slow trek back to the small apartment he called his own. It wasn’t much, but it was home and that was enough for him. The restaurant wasn’t a long drive from his place, and in hindsight, he realized she’d picked for that very reason. She never had been much at subtly, and in the past it was one of the many things he’d found attractive about her. That and the fact she was quite inventive between the sheets.

He laughed at this; Ron was always saying he thought with his dick. Maybe there was a fair bit of truth to that one. But that was something he would never admit to Ron. Never. Not when an “I told you so” would follow, and he knew it would.

Ron always had the keen, and often times annoying, ability to say any and everything that needed to be said, especially in regard to Adam’s habits, actions and behaviors. It was something he’d grown used to over the years. It had certainly worked to keep his ego in check and considering how fast paced his life had become, it was something Adam knew he needed.

He’d made it nearly a block from his apartment when he found himself turning the car around. The empty apartment held little appeal at the moment. He quickly glanced at the clock on his dashboard. It was getting late, but he’d shown up at Ron’s far later. And besides, he knew his best friend wouldn’t mind the company.

It was another twenty minutes until he found himself pulling into the dimly lit driveway. He smiled as he noted Ron’s black Honda, still in desperate need of washing. The porch lights had been turned off, but there was still a soft glow emanating from the livingroom window. Putting the car into park, he slowly climbed out and made his way to the door.

He spent the next three minutes knocking on the door before footsteps sounded from within the house. “I’m coming,” he heard the familiar voice call. Warm, soft light poured out onto the porch as the door slowly pulled open, revealing the tall red head whose eyes were still glazed with sleep. “Do you own a watch at all, Carson?”

Adam chuckled and shrugged his shoulders, “You know I live for these moments.”

“Smart ass,” she quipped. “Well since you got me up for no reason, you might as well come in.”

He laughed once more, “And here I thought your mother had taught you manners, Veronica.”

Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “Watch it, pal. I’m still half asleep, I can plead temporary insanity if I murder you.” In all the years he’d know her, she’d always hated her first name. It might have had something to do with the fact that the only time she seemed to hear it was after they’d gotten into something they shouldn’t have and her mother gave them hell about it. Considering the frequency of their misadventures, he couldn’t quite blame her.

“You can’t kill me, you love me.” He batted his eyelashes for the effect.

“Leave the dramatics to Dave, you just look ridiculous.” She smirked and headed back into the livingroom, leaving Adam to follow her inside. He shut the door behind him before joining her on the couch.

“Chris working tonight?” She nodded, cuddling back until the blanket that had been tossed to the side of the couch. He still found it odd that she was married, even after nearly five years. That probably had something to do with the fact that he’d been on the road for the better part of that time frame. He’d been there for the wedding. Hell, she’d tried to make him her maid of honor before he threatened to shave her head for the ceremony in retaliation. She’d backed down begrudgingly after that. But he’d been there.

“He gets off around three, should be home around four-thirty,” she paused turning to look at him. “She stand you up again?”

That was the one thing he both loved and hated about Ron – she never beat around the bush. He sighed, leaning his head back against the back rest of the couch. “Yeah. And no ‘I told you so’s. I’ve done that quite enough on my own.”

She smiled softly at him, shifting to settle her head against his shoulder. “I am sorry, you know. I mean, yeah she’s certainly not my favorite person and I can’t say I’m not glad she didn’t show, but I am sorry.” Ron sighed. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but fuck you know how to pick them.”

Adam chuckled, as much as he hated to admit it, she had a pretty good point. He’d never had particularly great taste in women; cute, pretty face, nice body, adventurous. He’d been chasing after the same type since his early highschool days. You think he’d have learned by now. “Remind me to call you the next time I need my ego brutally murdered.”

Ron grinned, looking up at him briefly, “That’s what I’m here for. Someone’s gotta kick you in the ass every once in awhile. Besides I’ve been doing it since the fifth grade, be kind of silly to stop now.”

“Yeah yeah.” Ron smiled, closing her eyes as she settled farther into his side. As he always did, Adam wrapped his free arm around her, resting his head against the top of hers.

He’d always loved being able to just sit with Ron. As much as he enjoyed the banter and verbal ass-kicking, he cherished the fact that they could just sit together without having to really say a word. Their relationship was more than just well timed words and knowing just when to say them, and it was great knowing they had that.

“How’s life treating you?” she chimed in several minutes later.

“Not too badly. We’ve been in and out of the studio, things are coming along...”

“Not the band, Adam,” she interrupted, sitting back far enough so that he could fully see the knowing glare she shot him. “How are YOU doing?”

He stopped, softly chuckling as her words began to sink in. Sometimes it was hard to shut off the almost auto-pilot response he’d fallen into giving whenever anyone asked how he was. Most seemed only to care about when the next record would be hitting stores, not what was going on in his or any of their, everyday lives. “Sorry, forgot where I was for a moment.”

Ron simply frowned. “You do that a lot, you know.”

He sighed, “I know. It’s just – habit really, you know that. I’m fine, its nice to have a little down time. And besides, I have you to keep me in my place, so all’s good.”

“Someone has to because Lord knows you can’t seem to handle it on your own.”

“Hey now, I handle things just fine,” he cut in, cracking a small smile. “I just tend to take the more interesting route.”

A sharp cackle fell from her lips. “You could call it that.”

“I will then.”

Ron merely shook her head. “What am I going to do with you, Carson?”

With a bat of his eyes, he shot back, “Love me forever.” She shook her head, reaching over to gently hit his arm. “Hey now, play nice.”

“Since when do I play nice?” she asked with a cock of her eyebrow.

Shaking his head, Adam let a peel of laughter escape his lips. Ron soon followed suit, both leaning against one another, struggling to catch their breath. “Alright, alright, smart ass.” Ron merely grinned, resting her head on his shoulder once again. Silence fell between them once more. “So you’re holding up alright?”

With a soft nod of her head, she paused before answering his question. “Yeah. Work’s work. The kids can be a nightmare, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.”

For as long as Adam could remember Ron had loved working with children. And, truth be told, it hadn’t really surprised him at all when she’d chosen to become a teacher, though he never fully understood her reasoning. He’d never been great with kids. True, his experience with them had been limited, few of his friends had kids and he doubted working with Ron’s little brother really counted seeing as he spent most of the time trying to get the little boy to stop being his shadow, but he simply didn’t see himself working well with children, his or otherwise.

“So when are you going to have rug-rats of your own?” he joked, resting his arm on her side. He wasn’t completely sure why he’d asked the question. Hell, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. The idea of Ron with kids of her own was...unsettling. Why, he wasn’t entirely sure. Adam knew she’d always wanted kids, knew she would probably be a mother someday. Maybe it was just the idea of knowing that when it happened she wouldn’t be the same old Ron anymore. She’d be someone’s mother.

“Okay, now you’re starting to sound like my mother.” The look she shot him forced a smile to his face. That was his Ron. “And wipe that smirk OFF your face, Carson. That wasn’t a compliment.”

But his smile only grew.

“Fine, smart ass,” she grumbled, glaring at him a few moments more before softly smiling. “Actually a bit sooner than I’d planned.”

“A bit sooner than you planned?” Adam echoed dumbly. Something about that statement seemed off to him. Sooner than she planned, that would have to mean that...His eyes widened slowly as the meaning began to sink in. “You mean...”

Ron nodded softly, brushing the hair out of her eyes. “Yeah. We found out this morning. It’s been kind of...surreal.”

Adam could only nod. Something seemed...off. That much Adam was able to register as he struggled to keep his own thoughts from racing. The smile on her face wasn’t reaching her eyes. It seemed, fake almost. Forced. And that honestly disturbed him. This wasn’t his Ron. She was supposed to be giddy, ecstatic almost. This wasn’t right.

He placed his hand gently on her arm, her eyes flashing up to his. For a moment he could clearly see the uncertainty swimming in them before they clouded once more. In a very real way she was hiding from him and Adam didn’t like that at all. She’d never hidden from him before. The cold churning in his stomach only served to perpetuate his unease.

“Congratulations,” he whispered softly, unsure of how to react himself. This was something completely out of his depth. It was entirely foreign and that fact frightened him. Whether it was the mere fact that Ron was hiding from him or something more, Adam honestly wasn’t certain.

“Thanks.”

The silence that fell over the two of them was tense, and he hated that. Hated the awkwardness. They had never been awkward before. Never. Ron could sense it too, that much he knew instinctively. The way she sat; her knees pulled up to her chest, her hands fidgeting with the frayed edges of the blanket wrapped around her, it spoke volumes for what was going on in her mind.

ONE

Davey fell forward onto Adam's body. His breathing was hard and skin slicked with a thin sheen of sweat just as Adam's was. Lightly he kissed over his lover's collar, his neck and up to his mouth. Morning sex was something he was getting used to and it was a rather nice habit to have. "I think that you start my mornings better than any cup of latte could," Davey teased.

Adam smiled, his breaths coming in harsh pants. "You're certainly something yourself," he teased back. Resting his arm around his lover's back, Adam allowed his eyes to fall shut. Having this, experiencing this, was something he was still getting used to. But with each day that passed, loving Davey was easier. Being with Davey was easier. Behind this four walls Adam felt as though he could do anything.

Davey lightly ran his tongue over Adam's mouth. "You want breakfast?" He whispered.

Smiling, Adam nodded, "I could stand to eat a bit."

Sliding down his body playfully, Davey licked the head of Adam’s cock. "Well lookie there, I found my breakfast," he said, grinning as he settled under the covers.

A strangled moan fell from Adam's lips. "You are insatiable," he panted, allowing his hands to run over Davey's head.

Davey bit his thigh and slid off the foot of the bed. "Eat first, blowjob later," he told him as he turned on his heel to leave the room.

"Tease," Adam shot, good naturedly.

Davey wiggled his ass as he walked from the room, grabbing his pants by the door on the way out. "Come make me give it up, Sweetheart."

Adam shook his head, tossing the covers off his body. "Don't tempt me."

With a smirk, Davey bent over and bared his ass for Adam as he slid his pants on, teasing him by slowly stepping into the pants.

Groaning, Adam pushed himself up from the bed, making his way towards Davey. With a smirk, he allowed his hand to trace over Davey's smooth, bare stomach before dipping lower and cupping his erection through the thin material of his sleep pants. He leaned down, biting at Davey's neck, pulling a soft moan from the man. With a smirk, he pulled back, mirth twinkling in his eyes. "How about some vegan pancakes?"

Davey shut his eyes and trembled. "And I am the fucking tease?"

"Don't dish out what you can't take, babe," Adam countered as he made his way towards the bedroom door, shaking his head.

Davey rushed up behind him and gripped his ass. "I can take whatever I want," he said playfully through gritted teeth.

"Really now?" Adam mused with a smirk, "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?"

Davey licked his earlobe. "Why don’t you tell me where you want my mouth?"

"I think you know where I want it," Adam whispered, a shiver running through him.

With a playful smack to his ass, Davey ran past him. "Wrapped around a fork that has a nice, hot piece of pancake on it."

"Bastard!" Adam shouted after him, shaking his head. Rasing his arms above his head, Adam stretched, a yawn falling from his lips.

The telephone rang as Davey made his way to the kitchen. "Hello?" He answered with a laugh, never bothering to check the caller ID.

"Davey?" a painfully familiar voice echoed over the line, "Hi, it's Aubrey, is Adam there?"

Davey stopped, the smiling ceased. Anytime he heard her voice or her name he instantly felt guilt. He nodded as if she could see him, but finally managed to find his voice. "Y...yea, he's right here."

"May I speak with him?"

Davey reached the phone to Adam as he came around the corner of the kitchen. He then turned and braced himself on the counter, taking a deep breath.

Adam eyed Davey carefully, noting the extreme change in his demeanor and behavior. He didn't need to ask who was calling, the way Davey changed told him everything. He hated the fact that Davey reacted this way. Aubrey didn't hate him, this wasn't his fault. Adam was an adult, he had made his decision, though there were times he found himself doubting it. "Hello?"

"Hey. I have a doctors appointment in an hour. Are you still coming with me?" She'd hoped he hadn’t forgotten. It was a nine month check up, she needed him there.

"Of course I am. You know I wouldn't miss it for the world," Adam told her, smiling softly. He couldn’t believe it, his child. Their child would enter this world at anytime now. It seemed all too surreal. "How are you feeling? Everything still going well?"

"Yes. I feel a little top heavy, but other than that, I am good," she told him. "You think you could come get me now. The traffic is going to start getting bad because people are leaving for work and I don’t want to be late for the appointment."

Davey reached under the counter to get the pancake mix as he listened. Though he could only hear Adam’s side of the conversation, he could tell that it was taking the turn he dreaded it would.

Adam looked apologetically at Davey. He had been looking forward to a fun, albeit teasing, breakfast with him, but he couldn't leave Aubrey stranded. He just hoped Davey understood. "I can be there in fifteen minutes."

Davey turned and looked at him, glaring. He should have known she would ruin it. He angrily slammed the box on the counter and pushed passed Adam to go upstairs.

Adam watched Davey storm up the stairs, cringing a few moments later when the door slammed. "I have to go Aubrey. I'll see you in a bit." She said her goodbyes and a dial tone soon followed.

Running his fingers through his hair, Adam lumbered up the stairs, almost dreading facing Davey. He knew the man was upset, he understood that, really he did. But he couldn’t leave Aubrey stranded. He’d made her a promise.

Davey sat on the side of the bed, knees bouncing. When he agreed he could do this, he didn’t know Aubrey would have ESP for every moment they wanted to spend together. Anytime they had a date, she seemed to know. It drove him crazy. Was it too much to ask to have a bit of time for just Adam and himself? Was it selfish of him to want that?

Softly, Adam knocked on the closed door, "Davey?"

"It’s your room. You don’t have to knock," he answered, gruffly.

"I didn't know if you wanted to talk to me."

Davey shrugged, eyes locked on the carpet beneath his feet. "Don’t you have to go?"

"Please don't be mad at me," Adam whispered, pushing open the bedroom door slowly. He hated that Davey was angry with him. Hated the entire situation.

"I'm not mad at you. I am taking my punishment that YOUR God has seen fit for me to have. No private time with my lover because of his ex fiance." The words fell from Davey’s lips without thought. He was angry and frustrated. He knew this wasn’t Adam’s fault, but he just wished the man could tell her no sometimes. He just wanted a little time alone with the man he loved.

The harshness of Davey's words caught Adam off guard for a moment. He knew Davey was upset, knew that he hated this situation, but Adam was stuck. He didn't want to lose his child. His hands were tied. "I'm sorry." He knew those words wouldn’t fix anything, but he knew he needed to say them nonetheless.

Davey waved him off with one hand, refusing to look at him. He wasn’t mad at Adam but he was disappointed that breakfast, their alone time, was abruptly interrupted.

Hurt by the brush off, Adam silently made his way to the dresser pulling out a pair of tattered jeans and a plain white t shirt. Wandering into the bathroom, he changed and made the effort to control the five o'clock shadow that had spread across his face.

Making his way silently from the bathroom, he chanced a quick glance at Davey, who still refused to meet his gaze. Sighing, Adam made his way from the room. He hated this. Hated the fact that he was being forced to choose between Aubrey and Davey. It wasn't fair.

Davey laid back on the bed and never turned once to acknowledge Adam's presence. He let a tear fall over the bridge of his nose. This was so much harder than he thought it would be and it was only going to get worse when the baby arrived. He was still forbidden to see the child. Adam’s child. It didn’t seem fair.

As he drove towards the home he and Aubrey had once shared, Adam found himself wondering once again if this was all worth it. If things between the three of them were this bad now, how much worse would it be once the baby arrived?

He was at his wits end with the situation. It was tearing him in two. Adam wanted nothing more than to be there for the both of them when they needed him, no questioned asked. But that only seemed more and more impossible with each day that passed.

---

Aubrey waited on the porch for Adam, rocking in the swing to keep off her feet. He should be there any moment. She couldn’t deny that she missed him, but he had moved on and was happy. With him.

Smiling at Aubrey, Adam pulled into the driveway, putting the car in park and shutting off the engine before climbing out. "Ready to go?"

"Yes," she replied, pushing out of the swing and waddling to the car. "One word and I deck you."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he answered in all seriousness as he made his way to the passenger side and opened the door. Aubrey truly was stunning like this, that Adam couldn’t deny.

She sat down and laid her head back, waiting for him to turn the air on. "God, it’s so hot."

Adam started the car once again and slowly backed out of the driveway. "You want me to turn on the air?"

"Please." She paused. "How's Davey?"

Closing his eyes for a brief moment, Adam sighed. "He's okay."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." But his words were far from convincing.

"I know you, Adam," she said, placing her hand on his leg.

Adam sighed softly, "He's just...We were supposed to have breakfast together..."

"And I ruined it?"

He remained silent, unsure how to respond. He didn't want to upset her.

"I'm sorry. You can drop me off. I will just catch the bus home," she said softly.

"No! Bree, I promised I would take you. I want to be there with you."

"But you don’t want to be there. You want to be with him," she said, getting upset. It was stupid, she knew it, but she couldn’t help the way she felt.

"I do want to be there, Bree."

She looked down. "Has he said anything about me?"

Adam silently shook his head. Davey had never said anything directly to him. But then again what he hadn't said spoke volumes.

"No. But I know he wishes he could at least play some role in this," he whispered, hoping he hadn't over stepped his bounds.

She raised her eyebrow. "Why would I let him near my child after what he did?"

Adam stared at her in disbelief. This wasn't the Aubrey he knew, the Aubrey he loved. "If you think that of him, I'm not sure I want to know what you think of me."

She turned away from him and faced forward. "I think you were tricked."

"Tricked?"

Her hormones kicking in and the heat playing a huge part as well, she spoke up. "I think you went for an easy fuck."

"You really think that of me?" He whispered, shocked and somewhat angered by her words. He'd hurt her, yes. And Lord knows he wasn't sure if he could forgive himself for that, but the way she was acting...This wasn't her. Had he hurt her badly enough to cause this?

She laid her head back. "I'm just hot and cranky and a bit bitter that’s all."

Adam remained silent for the rest of the trip. He hated the way things had turned out. Hated the fact that Davey and Aubrey were angry and that he could do nothing to fix it.

Aubrey folded her hands in her lap, as the pulled into the parking lot of the doctor’s office, and waited for him to park the car as they. "I mean it, Adam. I don’t want him near our daughter. Got it?"

12. Smile

Smile.

That’s the one thing I've heard my entire life.

Smile no matter what’s happening. Smile when it hurts, smile when you’re angry, smile even if it kills you. And for years, that was how I lived my life.

I smiled the day I broke the news to my parents that I was leaving school for the band. I smiled when they screamed at me, telling me just how much of a disappoint I was. I smiled the day I thought the band had fallen through, the day when I found myself wondering what the hell I could do with my life now that the plan I’d thrown myself into had failed. I smiled the day Dave’s voice gave out. The day the dream once again lay in tatters. I smiled the day we reached number one, the day I realized we’d made it and that everything I’d known had changed. I smiled through all the bickering. I smiled through the power struggles. I smiled through the angry words and the harsher actions. I always smiled. Never said a word. Never dared risk testing the shaky foundations everything rested upon. Simply smiled.

But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t fake it anymore. I can’t push aside how I feel anymore.

I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. This band, it’s been my life line for so long. It’s as much a part of me as my physical being is. I've spent so many years telling myself that this was worth the anger. That this was worth watching the relationships I've had for longer than I care to remember ripping apart at the seams. But I can’t do this anymore.

11. We’ll Call It Even

Jade wasn’t like anyone I had ever met before. He was a paradox really. Outgoing but shy. Flamboyant yet sheltered. And he pulled me in right from the start. I hadn’t been looking for romance. I hadn’t been looking for anything really. But there he was and I couldn’t tear my eyes from him.

I still don't know what possessed me to approach him or why I actually allowed myself to entertain the idea. He had smiled at me, a warm smile allowing his less than perfect teeth to show. His light brown eyes sparkled as he extended his lithe hand and gave me his name, "Jade Puget." The way it feel from his lips sent a shiver through me and made me wonder just how that voice would sound screaming my name.

We sat for hours simply talking about everything from our taste in music to the state of the world to what silly trend would find itself growing popular in the coming year. I hadn’t enjoyed myself like this in the longest time. I hadn’t felt so comfortable with another person in the longest time. It was wonderful.

That afternoon we exchanged numbers and a tentative but budding friendship was formed. We spent at least two hours talking on the phone every day and we met for coffee or a movie at least three nights a week. It was wonderful to truly feel connected to another person again.

This carried on for months and at times it felt like we were dancing in circles around each other. I could tell there was something more coming from him. That he wanted something more from this from us. And I didn’t have the slightest issue with that. It was all I had hoped for. But he never seemed to make a move, never brought the idea up on our talks. Nothing.

I could see it in his eyes when we spoke face to face. In the way he looked at me, the casual touches, subtle flirting, the hugs that always seemed to last a few moments too long. It was all there, but he wouldn’t say it. He wouldn’t budge. So I did.

We had just gotten back from a local show, I was certainly not the most attractive I've ever been, sweat soaked hair, smudged make-up, but neither was he. He was so beautiful that way. Tousled, wide-eyed and smiling. I couldn't help myself. The kiss was short lived but perfect. His lips were as warm and soft as I'd always imagined them to be.

He was tense at first, but slowly relaxed into me. When I pulled back, his eyes were lidded and he was slightly panting. God, he was beautiful. We stood in silence for several moments, and with each that passed my unease grew. Had I read him wrong? How would he react?

But my uncertainty was short lived. He smiled at me, that bright grin that made me melt inside, and wrapped his arms around me. He told me he had been wanting that but had been too afraid to try. I smiled back, pulling him into another kiss.

From there everything was wonderful. We spent every day together when we could, when work and the daily hassles of life allowed us to. He was everything I had ever wanted; smart, funny (though a bit on the corny side), sweet. We went to shows, movies, everything. My friends loved him. He loved them. It was perfect.

Then things started to change. He grew distant, he wouldn’t talk to me the way he used to. It scared me. He was pulling away. Pushing me away. I didn’t understand it. How could he do that? What was I doing wrong?

I didn’t speak my fears for several weeks. Maybe it was just a phase. He loved me. I knew he did. It would be alright. We loved each other. It had to be alright. But time didn’t fix this. Time didn’t change anything. He grew more distant by the day. I was losing him. I couldn’t lose him.

My entire world came crashing down the night he said we were through. He told me that it was all too much too fast. That I was too close. Too clingy. Too demanding of his time. He told me he wasn’t ready, that he was still trying to figure out who he was.

How could he do this to me? After everything we’d done. The love we shared? How could he throw it all away? I couldn’t let him to that. I couldn’t let him leave me. I loved him. He loved me. I knew he did. We belonged together. Why couldn’t he see that.

I begged him to stay, to reconsider. But he didn't listen. I had to make him listen. I had to make him understand. I still can’t remember how the knife ended up in my hand. But I can remember the fear in his eyes. "Davey," he stammered, "what are you doing?"

10. Starless Eyes Remain

"What's going on in your head?" You ask, dark eyes locking on mine, burning with concern and confusion. Your eyes are haunting and I cannot bear to look into them for long. Pulling myself from your arms, I sit up in bed, exhaling softly. I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry.

Your hand falls on my shoulder, the warmth of your touch scalding me. I violently shrug away. "Please don't," I whisper, my voice pathetic and broken. I can't bear to have you touch me. I'm not worthy of such an honor. I don't belong here, in your bed, in you arms, in your life. Why am I here?

"Adam, talk to me. Please. You're scaring me." Your words are like a dagger to my heart. This was never supposed to go this far. You were never supposed to let me in, not like this. You're too good for this, for me. I've known it all along. Why can't you see it?

I feel the bed shift a moment before your arms wrap tightly around me, pulling me against the warmth of your chest. I struggle, desperate to break free of your grasp. Please don't do this. Please. You only hold me tighter. "Why are you doing this to me?"

I feel you stiffen slightly behind me, your grip loosening for a moment. Silence falls over the room. Suffocating. You don't deserve this. I only fuck things up, I always have. You deserve so much more.

8. Surely You’ll Stay

His long, black hair clung to his neck and shoulders, his dark eyes slowly slipped closed. His breathing slowly eased as sleep claimed him. Staying here, watching him was a risk, I knew this. I risked everything to watch the way his chest rose and fell, the way his sharp, beautiful face tensed and relaxed as he dreamed. But leaving his side, leaving him, was something I could not contemplate.

This was wrong, I knew it. Being with him, loving him, was wrong. I’ve tried to pull away, tried to deny this, deny everything. I was sent to protect him. To watch over him. Not to love him. And in that respect, I have failed.

A soft murmur fell from his lips as he shifted in his sleep, his face burrowing into my neck. I closed my eyes and let his hot breath wash over me. His long arm wrapped around my waist, holding me against him. Ensuring that I could not slip away into the night, as I always have in the past. I would wait until I knew he was no longer in the realm of consciousness before pulling myself from his bed, from his arms. It was the only way. I could not stay with him, no matter how badly I wanted to. Slipping away, leaving him, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Knowing that he’s woken up alone, wondering if maybe this had all been a dream, continues to break my heart.

I would give anything to stay with him, to remain by his side, in his arms until dawn. To watch the first rays of the sun wash over his pale skin. To see his dark eyes and warm smile as he slowly rejoins the conscious world. But I knew to do that, to risk it, means I truly would lose him. Lose everything. And I could not do that. I could not lose him. Lose all that I had gained. Keeping him secret, keeping us secret was the only way I could truly keep him.

Taking a slow, shuddering breath, I wrapped my hand over his wrist, lifting his arm from my body. The loss of his warmth hurt, but I could not stay. I knew this. A soft whimper fell from his lips and his face contorted in confusion, but he did not wake. I turned away, unable to look at him any longer. If I did, I would not leave him. And if I stayed, I would bring him more pain than either of us need endure.

Pushing myself to my feet, I walked from the bed towards the tattered blue chair in the corner, where my pants had been tossed earlier in the evening. Locking my fingers around the cool, soft fabric, I sighed. It would be so easy to put them down once again and crawl back into bed beside him. To rejoin the warmth and contentment I found by his side. To throw all caution to the wind and simply stay. But the fear of losing this, losing him, kept me from moving.

Slipping the soft material up my legs and over my hips, I turned back to face him, his dark hair framing his face, eyes softly closed, just the tip of his pink tongue brushing against the silver hoop running through his lip. I never understood the piercing, or anything else he’d done to mark his body. How could one desecrate their body in such a way? With metal and ink? When I asked him this, he simply shook his head and told me it was his way of expression who he was. What he believed. What he loved. The angel wings adorning his back were a symbol of that love.

He had gotten them a few months after we began our affair, as tangled and confusing as it was. Dark, black, flawless wings. My mouth hung open in shock and awe as I first gazed at them. I can remember running my fingers over them, expecting to feel the soft texture of feathers beneath my fingertips. I had looked at him, confusion evident on my face. Why had he gotten these? I didn’t understand. “You’re my angel,” he whispered, running his fingers over my jaw lightly, “I wanted to be yours. To carry you with me when we can’t be together.”

My heart leapt at that. At his love, his devotion. He wanted this just as badly as I did. And it was at that moment I knew that as wrong and as dangerous as this was, I wanted nothing more than to be with him for as long as time allowed. That I would risk everything for him. For us. It was worth it. He was worth it.

In the back of my mind I knew over time he would age, he would change. That he would no longer be my beautiful lover. That I would forever remain as I was. But I did not care. I had fallen in love with him. And love was all I knew.

The soft creak of the box springs under his weight as he shifted in his sleep pulled my attention back to the present. Steeling myself, I turned away from his sleeping form. I could not allow myself to watch him any longer. My resolve was faltering and I could not have that. I could not risk this. We’d gone so long without detection. Over a year. I could not risk this.

“Adam.”

I froze, my eyes slipping closed. He’d never woken. Not before I’d made my way from this room. From his side. I had always believed he’d simply slept through the night, not missing my presence until he’d awoken the next morning. Perhaps I had been wrong.

Swallowing thickly, I whisper a soft “Yes?” in reply.

“You’re leaving again,” he breathed. It was not a question, merely a sad observation of a truth he could not change. A truth I so desperately wished I could alter.

I nodded, unable to speak. I knew what he wished from me. What he wanted of me.

“Please don’t leave me.” His voice was soft, mixed lightly with sleep, and broken. Despite everything I knew, everything I feared, I found myself turning back towards him. His sad eyes locked with mine, “Please.”

My eyes burned with the sharp hint of tears I hadn’t felt in a millennia and I closed them harshly. I should have moved. Should have left. I knew this, my mind screamed it. Screamed of the consequences not leaving would supply. But my body refused to obey.

I stood rooted between his bed, our bed, a small, traitorous voice in my mind screamed, and the door. I could feel his eyes on me, watching me, pleading with me to stay the night. To stay forever.

A shuddering breath fell from my lips. I could feel his need washing over me. He feared I would do as I’ve always done. That I would leave him. My own guilt pounded in my mind. I loved him. Needed him. I wasn’t supposed to need him. A lone tear traveled slowly down my cheek and I made no move to brush it away. He needed me to stay. And I could never deny him what he wanted. Never.

“Please.”

Closing my eyes once again, I felt my will dissolve. He needed me. And I could not deny that I needed him. I was weak. He was my temptation and I could not resist. A shuddering breath fell from my lips. Turning slowly, I made my way to the bed, sliding in beside him, allowing his arm to rest once more around my waist.

7. I Would Still Die For You

Sometimes I wonder how we’ve gotten this far. I look into your eyes, those dark, stunning eyes I love, and I see nothing. No love, no passion, no feeling. What happened to us? I just don’t understand it. We were happy, in love. Weren’t we?

I can remember vividly the first time we uttered those words. That lazy spring afternoon. We both had class that day, but somehow that didn’t really matter. It was history anyway, it would always be there another day. So we ventured out into the park, laughing and talking about silly things like we always did. I had never felt as safe with anyone as I did with you. And to this day, I still don’t know why.

You smiled at me, that toothy grin full of mirth and a twinge of mystery. The soft skin around your eyes crinkling just so. God I loved it when you smiled. You held you hand out to me, just a subtle invitation. One I took without question. I would have done anything for you. And God knows I still would. Whatever you asked.

With a giggle, you dragged me along the dirt path, ignoring my countless pleas as to our destination. “You’ll see,” you answered knowingly, your pace never slowing. We slowed only when the path before us widened into a small clearing. The shade of the trees painted dark shadows over the grass. It was stunning. You turned back toward me, eyes sparkling. “I knew you’d love it here,” you whispered, pulling me into your arms.

We settled ourselves on the ground, me in your arms, your fingers running through my messy hair. I had never felt so content as I did in that moment. Nothing could touch us then. We were safe. It was wonderful.

The wind rustling through the trees filled the comfortable silence that had fallen over us. You leaned in, kissing my head, a sigh falling from your lips. “I love you,” you whispered, so softly the wind nearly drowned you out. But I heard you, my heart filling with joy. You loved me. I echoed your words, never feeling more alive. I was in love. Nothing could ever be better than this. Nothing.

“Jade?” your voice breaks through the haze of time. I shake my head, pulling myself from the memory. Your dark eyes lock on mine, clouded with confusion. “Where were you?”

I sigh, “Springtime.”