#human claptrap

Lilith couldn’t help but take note of how quiet it was around Sanctuary today. It was unnatural, normally it was so noisy and loud and... She spun around in the map room, still holding onto the ECHOdevice in her hands, her eyes wide. Claptrap. Where was Claptrap? Normally the 13-year-old was bouncing around the map room, speaking a million miles a minute, driving everyone insane while they were trying to work on finding the Vault. Now without him and the room was silent it felt like there was a void, a void that actually made Lilith sad and lonely. 

“Whose seen Claptrap today?” Lilith called over the ECHOcommunicator as she walked out of the room, heading downstairs and outside the building. “He’s not with me.” 

There was static on the other end of the communicator. The Firehawk walked through the streets of Sanctuary. If Claptrap wasn’t with her in the map room he was normally found in the dumpster area where the last living CL4P-TP Unit lived. They were often found eating gross, thrown out pizza that Lilith had told the boy a million and one times to not eat because that was disgusting. Since the kid thought he was a literal CL4P-TP Unit he always used the excuse that he couldn’t get sick because robots don’t get sick. Then would proceed to flip her off with the pizza hanging out of his mouth as he and the real robot would kick back, laying on garbage. 

“What’chu want?” The familiar, yet obnoxious CL4P-TP Unit called, squirming out of his cardboard box house. “Get off my lawn!” 

“Where’s Claptrap?” Lilith asked, folding her arms over her chest. The little robot pointed to himself with his clamps for hands, if he could have a confused look on his face it’d be there. “No, not you. The...” She held her hand up to her side, measuring about how tall Claptrap was. “The other one.” 

“Is he not with you?” 

“N-”

“Oh god!” CL4P-TP yelled in his annoying high pitched tone, putting his clamps on the sides of his... head. “Where is my son?! What did you do! Answer me!” He reached up, grabbing Lilith by the arms trying to shake her.

“Chill out!” She said, smacking him away, “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.”

“You better find him or I’ll... I’ll...” the little robot backed up, trying to think of something cool to say. Something.. threatening. “I’ll move every piece of furniture you own two inches to the left! Haha! You’ll keep bumping into everything, you fool!” 

Lilith rolled her eyes, walking away from the rambling robot.

“He’s not at the bar,” Moxxi finally responded over the ECHOcommunicator. Another place Claptrap would frequent, scamming people gambling, as he was able to use his ECHOeye implants to calculate what cards someone else had. Whenever the people playing poker with him caught onto what he was doing Moxxi had to shoo him out for about two hours before letting him back in. Sometime she would let him stay if he tipped enough, which the boy always gave her a nice tip just for being a nice person. 

“Not here either, thank Gods,” Marcus, the arms dealer in Sanctuary added, as sometimes Claptrap would hang out there, taunting and annoying those who were in the shooting range to purposely mess them up. Marcus would let him too, the more time Claptrap made them mess up the more time and money they would have to pay to keep at the shooting range. 

“Okay, well, someones got to have seen him, right?”

“Who we talkin’ about?” Brick’s voice now came through. 

“Claptrap.” 

“Oh, yeah... I have no idea.” 

“Thanks...” Lilith let out a sigh, heading back to the map room when an unknown transmission was coming through. “Claptrap?” She asked. 

“Attention, Vault Hunters!” A rough, on the verge of crazy sounding voice came through the ECHOcommunicator. Lilith narrowed her eyes as she stopped walking to listen to what they had to say. “We may have something you want.” There was shuffling on the other end of the transmission as the ECHOdevice was being moved around. 

“You guys should reaaaaally redecorate,” Lilith heard Claptrap’s voice, her eyes going wide staring down at the ECHOdevice, “Like, I get you’re baddies and everything... but headquarters is key! Clean up a little! If you feel comfortable at home you’ll feel comfortable when you’re out there killing innocent people!” 

“Shut up!” The same voice shouted at the 13-year-old. 

“Oookay!” 

“Where is Claptrap?!” Lilith demanded, getting angry. 

“We’ll return him safely to you... for a fee.” There was laughing in the background of the transmission, making Lilith even more furious. They literally kidnapped a child just to get at them. 

“How much?”

“Give us all the Eridium you got and we’ll call it even.”

Lilith thought about it for a moment. Eridium... or Claptrap? She opened her mouth to speak, until she heard the 13-year-old speak again.

“Like, look, listen, are you listening to me?” He had said all in one breath, “If you just move this here...” She could hear him moving something around, “and this... here... Look at that! You already have a more open area! Be open with your area and be open with your feelings! I should start charging for therapy sessions. That’ll be ten dollars.” 

“Eh...” Lilith finally said, “keep him for a bit.” She didn’t wait for the bandit on the other side to respond, she hung up on the transmission before heading back up to the map room. If these bandits wanted Eridium so badly they wouldn’t hurt Claptrap too badly, besides, the kid could handle himself if he needed to. 

                                                               -----

The bandit leader stared down at his old, beat up ECHOdevice that obviously seen some better days. He couldn’t believe that they just refused to pay to get this child back. Even after everything they had to do to bait him. When the Bandits first saw the kid make his way out of Sanctuary via a tiny hole in the wall that only he could fit through, they tried luring him with promises of money and Eridium. When that they didn’t work they tried some variation of saying they knew where the Vault Key was and needed someone like him to come get it. No, what did it was promises of a pizza party and he climbed right into their vehicle. 

The leader turned around, looking at the kid who somehow managed to squeeze out of the rope they had used to tie him up with earlier. He was now sitting on their counter, kicking his feet back and forth, leaning back on his hands. At least he stopped moving their stuff around... 

“Y’know, this party kinda sucks!” He said loudly, readjusting his headband that had wub wub wub printed across it in red and a CL4P-TP Unit’s eye attached. “I was expecting pizza... music... babes... dancing...” he looked at the bandit leader whose eye was twitching in response, “I mean, I don’t know what babes are, but I’d expect you guys to have them.” He pushed himself off the counter, walking up to the leader. “You need to try harder with your parties! Do you even have a funky beat?” 

“A-” 

“Doubt!” He turned around, climbing back up on the counter, standing on it so he could see all the bandits who were gathering around in the room. “You guys need to get it together! Who has the pizza? Where’s that? That’s what I was promised and I want it.” 

“There... is... no... pizza!” The bandit leader yelled, slamming his fist against the wall in frustration, causing the other bandits to jump and flinch, but the kid just folded his arms over his chest, looking down at him as he was giving him a small pout. “We lied to you! What don’t you understand about that?!” 

“Nice. You lied. To me. An impressionable child. Someone better get me a pizza in the next five seconds or there will be tears and violence.” Claptrap reached down at the holster at his side, expecting his pistol to be there, but of course the bandits took it when they got him in the vehicle. “Well... I guess there will only be tears... So not only did you lie but you stole from me! This party sucks. You guys suck.” 

“...we don’t suck...” one of the bandits mumbled under his breath. 

“You do suck!” Claptrap looked at his imaginary watch, “it’s been over five seconds so...” He took a deep breath in, letting out a horrible, annoying, ear bursting screeching that caused most of the bandits to cover their ears to avoid going deaf. ‘Tears’ to Claptrap just meant screaming and throwing a tantrum until he got his way, and with how annoying he could get he always got his way.

“Someone go order a pizza!” The bandit leader yelled over the screeching, his hands plastered over his ears. Two of his bandits left the room to go do that immediately. “We’re getting you your pizza!” He shouted at Claptrap, who stopped at once. 

“Better be extra cheese, extra sausage, and extra love!” He looked at the leader. “Make sure they say that last part, I am not kidding. I am feeling severely unloved right now and need the validation.” 

The bandit leader grumbled under his breath, calling Claptrap’s orders into the other room as they were on the phone with the only pizza place in this sector of Pandora. If keeping this child happy and quiet meant that they would eventually get their Eridium from the Vault Hunters, then fine. Whatever they had to do, right? They were going to make a profit from this... right? Please, god, let there be a profit. 

When the leader turned around Claptrap wasn’t there anymore. Oh, shit. Where did he go? How could someone who was so loud move so silently? He looked everywhere, thinking that maybe he somehow got out. 

“Hey, where did you-” When he walked into the other room he saw Claptrap digging through the box of tapes, trying to find something that would be just right for this ‘party.’ “Get outta there!” Claptrap waved an arm behind him, head still in the large back as he was throwing the tapes he wasn’t interested out and onto the floor. “Kid! Get out of there!” He tried again. 

When Claptrap pulled his head out of the box, his headband was covering his left eye and he was covered in dust since nobody touched that box in years. He was holding a single tape in his gloved hands, a goofy smile on his face as he readjusted his headband again. 

“This! This will surely get the party jumpin’!” He said happily. Claptrap walked over to the leader, holding up the tape to him. Yeah, he clearly didn’t understand what kinda danger he really was in here, and honestly? That concerned the bandits. Didn’t the other adult Vault Hunters teach him anything? Stranger danger? Was that not still a thing? 

“Put. It. Back,” the leader said through clenched teeth as he watched Claptrap go back over to the ECHOplayer, putting the tape in and pressing play. “I’m serious! Stop! There isn’t a party!” 

“Like I said, I was told that there was one, soooooo......” Claptrap shrugged dramatically, using his hands to demonstrate the shrug. “Now we gotta do this or... y’know... there will be more tears.” 

The leader flinched at that word, knowing that it just meant the kid would start screeching again. Maybe they should just throw him to the Skags. Yeah, they’d lose profit, but this kid was... a fucking alien. It wasn’t natural how loud he was or could be. Hell, when they first brought him to their lair he would refuse to go up the stairs, saying they were created by the devil in order to torture the poor Claptrap’s who couldn’t use them. What the fuck did that even mean? They were just stairs, it wasn’t a big deal, especially since he had functioning legs. Eventually they had to drag him up. 

“Fi...fine. Just... keep quiet. I have to make a call.” The moment he turned his back and took out his ECHOdevice the funky music that Claptrap had picked had been turned up all the way. Great. This was going great. 

                                                             -----

Lilith was going through their next course of action with Brick in the map room, actually enjoying the peace since they knew that Claptrap was out there and would most likely be returning home soon. He was like a puppy, once he got too bored he would dig his way out of wherever he went and come back home as if nothing had happened. It was just a matter of time, or, hell, maybe the bandits would get so fed up with him they would just force him to leave. That’s certainly happened before, and it would happen again. When people see Claptrap and find out he’s also a Vault Hunter they underestimate him, thinking he was just some stupid kid who was in over his head, but once he got into the fighting mood he was a fighting machine. If he used his robot hacking gloves? The fight was over; he could take control of any robot he got his hands on, making them move like his puppet. Surprise, surprise the Vault Hunters had to tell him to focus and stop making the robots dance so they could get the fight over with. 

“Okay, so if we-” Lilith was cut off when a transmission was coming through on her ECHOdevice. “What’s up?” She said to the unknown transmitter. The moment she allowed the transmission go through she instantly regretted it. In the background she could hear Claptrap singing, encouraging the other bandits to join him dancing to the stupid music that was playing. 

“Okay, I’m willing to lower the ransom,” the bandit leaders voice came through, sounding almost defeated this time around. 

Lilith raised an eyebrow, folding her arms over her chest. “How much?”

“A thousand dollars.”

She didn’t say anything.

“Five hundred dollars.” 

“No, no, no! You idiots!” Claptrap’s voice could be heard in the background again. ‘It’s one and two and twirl! Don’t you know anything?!” He groaned loudly, the sound of him smacking his own face in frustration, “are you trying to make cry again?! The dance is simple! Just... okay. Lets all take a deep breath... and.. sTOP ACTING LIKE IDIOTS! Todd! C’mon, man! You got this! I know you don’t have two left-goddamn-feet!” Something shattered to the floor. 

“Sounds like you have him under control,” Lilith finally said, about to hang up the transmission. 

“No, wait!” The leader said, making Lilith stop, “please just take him back. Come get him. For free.” 

“Free?”

“Free?!” Claptrap demanded, “am I worth nothing to you bastards?! I showed you the joys of dancing and life and this is what I get?!”

“Please hurry...” the leader said before ending the call. 

“I guess we’re getting Claptrap.” 

The bandit leader sent their coordinates on the map, surprisingly not too far away from where Sanctuary was located. Brick drove them to where they needed to go with Lilith in the passengers seat, her gun ready just in case anyone or anything tried jumping out to surprise them. Were they really ready to get Claptrap back? Especially since they could hear how riled up he was over the transmission. Oh boy, what a night this was going to be. 

Once they reached their destination the Vault Hunters looked at each other in surprise. All bandits that should’ve been inside the hut were all outside in the snow, looking scared, scarred for life, and overall exhausted. Claptrap wasn’t that much of a hassle, was he? 

Brick took out his gun before they got out of the vehicle. All the bandits just pointed inside the hut without saying anything. They were just ready to have peace and quiet away from him. 

They shrugged, going inside. The hut was a huge mess. No, that was an understatement. It looked like a tornado went through and crashed the place. Yeah, that was Claptrap’s doing. 

Claptrap was sitting on the kitchen counter, the music still playing as he was rocking side to side to the beat as he took a bite of his pizza. Extra cheese, extra sausage, and extra love just like he ordered, the bandits didn’t even care that the guy taking their order laughed at them for that last request. 

“You saved me!” Claptrap said happily, hopping off the counter, grabbing the extra large pizza box. “This party was a drag!” He walked up to the them, offering them a pizza by holding up the box to them. Brick took a slice but Lilith politely declined. “They didn’t know how to dance! Can you believe that?! Savages!”

Lilith cleared her throat, putting a hand on Claptrap’s back. “Lets go back home,” she said, guiding him out with Brick behind her to make sure there weren’t going to be any sneak attacks. 

As they were walking back to the vehicle, Claptrap turned around, walking backwards to look at the bandits. “Okay, so I think I was a great teacher today! So I’ll be back next week to see how the routine is doing!”