#human alert

My old doorbell was predictable, easily understood, and never broke. It chimed when someone pressed it. It was ugly, though, and when it came time to fix up our sadsack front porch, it caught my critical eye.

My new doorbell is much smarter, and can see, but is seemingly an unstable paranoiac. I suppose it would be happy to chime when someone presses it – and the chime is Big Ben or some shit – but it will absolutely not stop there. It will scan for human faces and alert you if one gets remotely close; not only the mailman, but someone pushing a stroller along the sidewalk will earn its suspicions. It will then send your phone a panicky notification entitled “Human Alert - Doorbell”.

Not “Neighbour Detected!” Human Alert.

It’s also quite suspicious of one of our neighbours’ car’s wheels, periodically sending “Human Alert - Doorbell” with a little picture of a wheel.

My daughter and I both get the notifications and we have taken to yelling out “HUMAN ALERT!” when we get them.

It’s not easy to find out how to disable the preemptive paranoiac “alerts” without turning off notifications when someone RINGS THE DOORBELL, yet this was a very well-reviewed “smart” doorbell, a situation that beeps loud alerts about how my attitude towards new technology has become decreasingly enthusiastic – and also sounds a loud klaxon about the informational value of the current-day Internet – and even squeezes a little, follow-up clown honk about my interest levels in said Internet.

All that said, I found the setting to toggle to turn off these alerts, and hovered my finger over it - and left it as-is.

I HATE PEOPLE

I hate the cowards I hate the brave I hate the bosses I hate the slaves

I hate the criminals I hate the cops if we all die i wouldn't give a toss I hate People

I hate the poor I hate the rich I hate you so called alternative kids

I hate the sober I hate the drunk I hate the hippies and I hate the boyscouts I hate People

I hate the left I hate your right I hate the black I hate the white