#hrbwriting

When you’ve never had anybody love you unconditionally, no ties, no manipulation, loving you without asking for a single thing back… These little moments are the most terrifying, amazing
little miracles that you could ever hope to receive. Because no matter how confident you are, even if you have learned to love yourself, that first moment that you watch someone else love you too? That constant reassurance of being worthy? It’s amazing

UPDATE

I’m sitting here, Wallowing in all of my heartbreak, Trying to understand when I no longer held enough to satiate your appetite, I think it was the day I left you,

If you date me, You’re not just dating my laugh. You’re not falling in love with my smile, or my ability to make almost anyone feel as if they’ve known me forever. You’re not just holding hands with the girl that will kiss your broken bones, and make you dinners that are amazing, because some days they’re closer to poisonous. You’re also dating my sad days. You’re dating the days that I can’t get out of bed because this fucking cloud of overwhelming depression is haunting me. You’re dating the illness I’ve had since I was 11, and the exact reason why I smile and laugh so much. Why I try to inflict as much happiness on others as I can. Because happiness is the one thing you can give, even when you have none. You’re dating my anger problems, my bloody knuckles when I break and I come running to you after I broke a knuckle for the fifth fucking time on a brick wall. Or maybe maybe it’s not when I run to you. Maybe it’s you and me, and we’re fighting and I drive home and when I get there I break my fucking wall open because I’ve been hitting it since I could walk and talk and I just can’t bear the thought of anyone seeing me like that. Because that’s me too baby. I’m not just the little ball of laughter you see me as. And that’s what I need you to get. Because I put on this face, and I carry this heavy bag of absolute independence, and this bullshit charade of perfection. And before you finish saying that you want me? Before you convince yourself im the one? You gotta see these things. It’s not pretty. Im not your cute little girl anymore when I have those hard days. It’s a fucking chaotic mess of tears and heartache and the knowledge that I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life to be happy. And after 19 years. I’m still not okay with that. But the question is, are you?

We’ve been broken up for four months and I still fall asleep with tears on the pillow and screams in my throat I’ll never let out. I continue to wake up each morning and lose you all over again and I’m beginning to wonder when it will end. Opening my eyes to wake up has become a challenge for these past months because how can I see your green eyes if I’m not asleep? How can I hear your laugh, feel your kiss on my face? Sometimes the dreams of you turn into nightmares, but that’s okay because I still get to feel your hands on me. Even if it means that they’re around my throat.

Distractions and busy work are all I can manage right now but even then your name is pounding against my skull and I can’t think straight anymore