#hphmshipweek26

Tonks smiled at the scene, grateful for everything life had given her, even though it hadn't always been easy. The Battle of Hogwarts had nearly claimed her life, but fortunately, she was saved at the last minute by the love of her life, who stepped between her and her aunt Bellatrix, casting a spell with such force that Bellatrix was thrown across the corridor with such power that she remained unconscious for a very long time. Once the shock of having almost lost their life and the initial surprise had passed, Tonks regained her composure and threw herself into the battle with renewed fury, regaining the upper hand against the Death Eaters. They didn't see the change coming and those who thought they had already won found themselves with a relentless Auror on their trail.

Memories and nostalgia flooding back, Tonks looked away from her son and cousin and headed for the garden door. She needed some fresh air before she started crying uncontrollably, as sometimes still happened. These weren't tears of sadness, just such a profound sense of gratitude (for still being there, for being surrounded by family and friends) that she sometimes felt overwhelmed.

The wind on her face felt good, and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before heading to a nearby bench. She sat down and gazed up at the starry sky. It was so pleasant to look at the stars; it reminded her of those nights at Hogwarts, when she would climb up to the Astronomy Tower to meet Tulip.

The first time, they sat on the floor, which left them with aches and pains the next day. Over time, they started bringing more things with them, like cozy, comfortable blankets to snuggle up in because it was quite cold up in the tower. Then, on their way out of the dormitory, Tonks would always stop by the kitchen so they could have a few snacks. It was a habit they picked up in sixth grade and that continued into seventh. Despite the pressure of the approaching exams, they always found time to meet at the top of the astronomy tower to gaze at the stars. Sometimes their hands would brush against each other, and they would look away, blushing.

At first, their gestures were involuntary; they brushed against each other unintentionally. But then, it was as if their bodies were seeking contact. Hands that continued to brush against each other, knees, shoulders that bumped together. Thighs that pressed together under the pretext that the blanket was too small and they needed to get closer. An arm that went around a shoulder because it was very cold up there at the top of the tower (and no one was thinking of using a spell to warm up).

Tonks and Tulip gravitated around each other for years, never crossing the line into friendship, and the day Tonks (encouraged by Charlie) decided to confess her feelings to Tulip, things did not go as planned.

It was the last day of their final year, the last night they would spend within these walls before beginning a new chapter of their lives. Tonks had everything ready: the blankets on the floor, the cozy throws, Tulip's favorite food, and that spell that made candles float on the ceiling. Everything was perfect and romantic, and Tonks had a well-defined plan for how she wanted things to go, and most importantly, when and how she would confess her feelings to her best friend. She had planned everything… Except for Tulip showing up in tears. Tears streamed down her face, endless, and her hand was clutching a piece of parchment so tightly. Tonks didn't need to ask to understand what had upset her friend so much.

That evening, Tonks took her friend in her arms and let her cry on her shoulder, listening to her lamentations without ever interrupting her.

Tulip had a cherished plan for her future. She worked tirelessly, studying more than usual to ensure her success, but with a single letter, her parents managed to destroy all her plans, using their influence at the Ministry to send her to another country, to follow a path they had chosen for her, without any possibility of negotiation. It was so foolish!

And then, Tulip couldn't explain the rest of the letter to her, it was much too difficult for her to say it out loud, so she just handed her the piece of parchment and Tonks froze; chilled by the words before her eyes.

Tulip's parents had always been intolerant, but Tonks never expected them to use those words toward their daughter. She never could have imagined for a moment that a parent could be so cruel to their child.

Tonks wanted to do something, to do more, but she was completely helpless in the face of the situation.

Tulip cried for a long time, pouring out all her rage and sadness, safe in her friend's arms, and when she finally calmed down, Tonks tried to think of solutions, to develop plans; it couldn't end like this! Tulip couldn't be taken from her in such a cruel way, Tulip didn't deserve this! She deserved to be herself, she deserved joy, happiness, and love. She deserved the world!

Tonks opened her mouth, to speak, to protest, but before a single word could leave her lips, Tulip interrupted her, telling her to say nothing. She didn't want to cling to false hopes, to illusions. She didn't want to hope for a different future, only for her parents to snatch it away with a snap of their fingers. So Tonks remained silent, burying hope, burying her feelings, burying everything that would have hurt Tulip more instead of comforting her. Tonks remained silent and held her friend even tighter.

They did not return to the dormitory that night; they fell asleep snuggled up together at the top of the astronomy tower, lit only by the stars in the night sky (the floating candles having been extinguished long ago).

When she woke up, Tonks was alone. It wasn't just the place next to her that was empty; there was also a huge emptiness in her heart. With a heavy heart and tears welling up in her eyes, Tonks packed her things and returned to the dormitory to change one last time before leaving Hogwarts forever. Tulip was nowhere to be seen on the platform before boarding, and she was also nowhere to be seen on the train.

The last time Tonks saw Tulip was on the platform in London. Tulip, head down, approached her parents (Tonks so desperately wanted to tell them exactly what she thought). Tulip raised her head, and their eyes, full of sadness and unspoken words, met one last time before someone grabbed Tulip's shoulder and helped her over the brick pillar.

Seeing her disappear like that was like a stab in the back for Tonks and she collapsed against her mother with a cry of despair, the tears she had held back for far too long streaming down her cheeks.

Life went on, as it always does. The world doesn't stop for a broken heart; the world doesn't stop when your first love is taken from you. The world doesn't stop; it keeps moving forward, relentlessly.

After the holidays, Tonks joined the Auror Institute, as she had always wanted, she made new friends, she trained, she progressed, she sometimes had a few one-night stands, but she never forgot Tulip.

Then she became an Auror, throwing herself into her work, accepting every mission offered to her. And Voldemort returned, and she joined the Order. The close quarters led her to grow closer to Remus Lupin, with whom she shared a certain rapport. They started dating, and things moved rather quickly; she became pregnant quite soon. Tonks and Remus were talking about marriage; it seemed like the best thing to do now that she was expecting a child. Everyone around them was happy with how things had turned out, and Tonks was happy too, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. It was as if she were merely a spectator in her own life, bowing to the approval of others, listening to their opinions and advice before listening to herself.

And then one evening, during that battle at the Department of Mysteries, her cousin Sirius nearly lost his life, and it was this event that triggered everything, that shattered her perfect little life. The way Remus threw himself at Sirius, the way he held him tight, and his gaze. There are looks that don't lie, and Tonks knew, deep down, that Remus could never love her as much as he loved Sirius. Of course they were close, of course they loved each other, but not in that way, not like that. Like her, he too had to bend to the approval of others to manage his life. But what's the point of making others happy, of thinking their approval is more important than our own happiness? What's the point of living a life that makes us unhappy, just to avoid making waves, to stay on the beaten path? Why live a meaningless life to conform to the opinions of people who aren't you, who don't live and will never live your life, who don't feel what you feel deep in your heart? Who will surely never understand who you are. Sometimes, disappointing people is the only thing to do because finding yourself, being fully yourself, is what matters most.

That night, lying opposite each other in a bed in one of the rooms at Grimmauld Place, they talked, they opened their hearts, and finally confessed (to each other, but especially to themselves) what they truly felt. For the first time, it was as if a weight had been lifted from their chests. There were tears, but they weren't tears of sadness; they were tears of joy and understanding. The feeling of finally being able to be themselves.

The wedding was cancelled to everyone's surprise, but they didn't try to explain; it was their decision and no one had a say in it, and no one would have anything to say about their future decisions because it was their life and they wanted to live it as they wished, regardless of whether they were understood (when Remus and Sirius started dating, Tonks looked down on everyone who dared to give their opinions. And she may have cast a few spells on those who were a little too insistent).

Life went on, as it always does.

And one day, a simple Thursday, when the threat of Voldemort was becoming more and more present, she appeared, there before her, so graceful and so beautiful in that horrible, shabby living room.

It was just another Thursday, and the Order had gathered for a meeting. Tonks grumbled in displeasure after tripping over the awful umbrella stand yet again. A soft laugh, one she thought she'd never hear again, caught her attention, and when she looked up, there was Tulip, right in front of her, giving her an embarrassed smile. Tonks froze, gasping for breath, wondering if she was hallucinating. How could Tulip have been there? In this city, in this horrible place called Grimmauld Place, this horrible place protected by a Fidelius Charm. How could Tulip Karasu, whom she hadn't seen in so many years, be standing there before her?

Alastor Moody cut short her thoughts by introducing their new recruit before moving on to the meeting. Tonks sat next to Remus, as far away from Tulip as possible, and when the meeting ended, Tonks slipped away without a word, without a glance. Perhaps it was cowardly of her, but her heart was pounding too hard in her chest and her thoughts were racing so fast that it was impossible to focus on anything else. Avoiding Tulip was the best thing to do at that moment.

But she couldn't avoid it indefinitely. She was an adult, by Merlin!

Tonks had always imagined her reunion with Tulip as a joyous occasion. She thought a single glance would be enough to rekindle their teenage bond, a laugh to forget the years they'd spent apart, a hug to move forward. But in truth, Tonks just wanted to scream. She was seething with resentment and accusations, and even though she knew it wasn't right to blame Tulip for everything, she couldn't help but accuse her, and their reunion ended in shouting and tears.

That day, they screamed louder than the damn portrait of Walburga Black.

And then, the anger subsided, giving way to remorse, explanations, and apologies. If the first few days after their reconciliation were strange, it didn't take long for them to regain their complicity (one evening, Remus remarked to Tonks that she had a strange way of flirting, and Tonks choked on her drink, blushing, before retorting that she wasn't flirting!).

Shortly after, the Battle of Hogwarts erupted, and Tulip saved her by stepping between Bellatrix and her. Then, when it was all over, when Voldemort was finally defeated, Tonks walked through the ashes and ruins to kiss Tulip. Perhaps she should have asked Tulip before rushing at her like that, but Tulip clung to her, returning her kiss, and then nothing else mattered.

The sound of the door catches Tonks' attention and she snaps out of her thoughts, suddenly realizing that she's been outside for a little while.

“Is everything alright, baby?” Tulip asked, placing a blanket over her shoulders and sitting down next to her on the bench.

“Yes, everything is fine,” Tonks smiled, turning her head to look at her, gazing at her girlfriend with such love that Tulip blushed. “Do you want to stay and look at the stars with me?”

“I'd love that!” Tulip agreed, snuggling under the blanket so they could be warm and close together.

They remain like that, entwined in each other's arms, gazing at the starry sky, shining brightly above their heads. It's just like before, but so much better, because now they are together. They are in love, and nothing can separate them.

Their brief moment of calm was interrupted when the door burst open.

“Mummy!” Teddy called from the doorway, “it's time for dessert!”

“Teddy!” Remus interjected from inside the house, “don't go outside without your shoes!”

“I'm not outside!” Teddy replied impertinently, crossing his little arms in front of him and wrinkling his nose.

Tonks giggles at her son's cute face, then she and Tulip get up to go back inside and enjoy dessert, letting the starlight illuminate their path with every step.

Life hadn't always been easy, but if she had to do it all over again, Tonks would make exactly the same choices.

Helena Tremblay’s POV, November 1987

Not even the rain dissuaded Helena as she left the dryness of the castle to the damp outdoors. Near the greenhouses was typically where everything made sense to her. Though she doubted if even they were enough to relieve her of the tangled mess of emotions within her. She could not even find the words to describe herself.

As long as she didn’t run into Barnaby she knew she could make it through this confusion eventually. Maybe the distance and avoidance would allow her to feel something towards him again like he deserved. Yet something about her emotions, and love in general had seemed to have…shift. Even now Helena was not sure if that was the right word to use.

She felt rather selfish for even considering this was the right choice to make in the long term. He hadn’t even done anything wrong and yet she still found herself confused and like something had yet to be fulfilled. He had been nothing but kind to her. Whenever she helped him with his studies, he always offered to take her to see the various magical creatures that frequented the school. She recalled his absolute joy when he finally got the chance to meet a professional Magizoologist in the form of her father the past summer. Barnaby deserved the world, there was no doubt in that, and he was finally blossoming into his true self after separating himself from Merula and Ismelda. Helena only just hoped that her choice would not halt the progress he was making. She needed time, she had decided, perhaps that would make everything finally become clear again and explain the peculiar feelings she was experiencing.

Helena hadn’t planned on making today the day she would finally come clean to Barnaby. The rain made for far too depressing of a backdrop. Yet that plan was through out the window when she heard her name get called by his familiar voice just as she was about to retreat into the safety and comfort of one of the school’s greenhouses.

Barnaby jogged over to her with his brown hair damped from the rain and his school robes dripping with rather by the time he reached the overhang at the greenhouse where she was. His green eyes shone just as bright as his smile as if the rain surrounding them was non existent. He was always a light in the dark and didn’t deserve something that would dim his spirit.

“Hey!” He cheerfully repeated as he got to her side.

“Hello.” She replied absent mindedly as her mind raced as fast as a hippogriff. As a consequence though, the mask fell when her voice came out as more of a whimper than a more confident greeting.

Her boyfriend’s smile faded in response as he looked as her closer with concern, “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” She told him even though she told herself no internally. She closed her eyes and sighed, unable to look him in the eye, “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Barnaby agreed, “What is it?”

For a few moments, Helena was planning on going back on her decision to finally tell him the truth. Yet for too long she had been telling herself she needed another day, another week, and even though she desperately wanted to, she didn’t deserve to be hurting Barnaby with her hesitation and confusion for another month. She could no longer tell him everything was fine and just as clear as it had been before, things had changed, and while she still struggled to understand it, she knew she needed to accept it. This was the only way.

“I…” she stammered, struggling to find words to explain it all, “I’ve been trying to take time to myself and figure out how to say this for the past few weeks.”

“Did something happen?” He asked.

“I suppose.” She shrugged even though she couldn’t even pinpoint when her feelings towards the concept of love began to change. Perhaps they were always that way and she only became aware of how complex it could be only now. Helena wrapped her arms around herself to comfort herself, “Nothing bad, and most certainly nothing you did.” She assured him, “You’ve been wonderful.”

“Then what is it?” His brow furrowed in confusion.

“I don’t know.” She confessed, “I wish I did. I wish I knew how to explain it all but I don’t.” Her watery eyes met Barnaby’s green ones, “and I think the only way for me to truly figure it out is for me to discover myself and my feelings on my own rather than dragging you along.”

“Oh.” Realization finally dawned on Barnaby’s face, “I see..”

“I’m sorry.” Helena apologized, “I truly am. But I do believe this is the only way for me not to hurt you.”

“I didn’t do anything stupid did I?” Barnaby asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Helena looked at him, “No.” She assured him, “No you didn’t do anything wrong. If anyone did something wrong it was me for not taking the time to understand myself and what I am feeling.”

Though in truth, that seemed to have only shifted recently. Back when she started dating Barnaby, everything had been so simple, she was happy with him, and beyond proud as she watched him embrace himself and his interests rather than just being the muscle for people who were using him. The past summer had been a favorite of hers. How could it now be when she could vividly remember how Barnaby lit up upon meeting her father and curiously asking him questions about making a career out of Magizoology? Yet despite all that initial happiness and certainty, her emotions seemed to take a perplexing turn. She recalled her aunt’s words, that sometimes you needed to know when to end something in order to find yourself and explore how you interacted with the world and find fulfillment and only ignoring what your heart was telling you would only lead you to suffer and for those around you to suffer just the same. Her aunt eventually found happiness and the person for her with Uncle Cassian, and now, Helena only hoped that if Barnaby truly wasn’t the one for her as her emotions were trying to tell her, she would figure out who was the one for her.

“Well that’s good.” Barnaby expressed relief, “I was worried I had done something dumb and that was why you seemed so distance.”

“It wasn’t you it never was.” Helena promised him, “It’s all me, and I should have approached you sooner, told you the truth, but now you know.”

Barnaby fidgeted with his hands as he looked at Helena once again, “Can we still be friends?”