do you think buck knows about his feelings for eddie?
hey nonnie! i love this question, thank you for sending it<3
honestly, on a conscious level, no i don't think he does. buck feels everything with his entire being, but he's never been great at naming the things that matter most—especially when they threaten to upend the shape of his life. he just kind of moves through the world with an unflinching loyalty he doesn't interrogate too closely. his bond with eddie is so foundational, so ever-present, that i don't think he's ever seen it as something to question. it's not a feeling he arrived at—it's a place he's lived in.
to buck, everything that defines his relationship with eddie—being partners, trusting each other without hesitation, stepping into christopher’s life like it was always meant to be—is just natural. it’s never felt like a choice, so he doesn’t think of it as remarkable. and that’s part of why he doesn’t recognize it for what it is. the love is there—deep and steady and sure—but it’s so tightly woven into his day-to-day that it doesn’t strike him as something to name. it’s not a revelation he’s had; it’s a truth he and eddie have been living nearly since day 1.
i don’t think it really becomes something he thinks about until the morning after with tommy this season. this is the first time anyone in his orbit has made a passing comment about him and eddie’s relationship that doesn’t sound like a joke. and it lands—not because he agrees, but because, for the first time, he has to ask himself what it is everyone else seems to be seeing. that what he’s always known as natural, instinctive, constant… might look different from the outside. might look like something more. it knocks the wind out of him a little. like a door’s opened, and he’s not sure what’s waiting on the other side.
it's one thing to feel something and not name it, not look at it too closely. it's another thing to have someone else recognize it first—to hear it reflected back to you like it's obvious. and that’s where buck starts to spiral—because if that’s how it looks to tommy, who else might be seeing it too?
so he goes to maddie. and when she gently suggests it wouldn’t be so crazy—being in love with eddie—he shuts it down. hard. says it would be. says it’s not like that. says everyone seems to want me to be hopelessly pining for my straight best friend—which, let’s be honest, is a much more specific kind of panic than anyone had actually accused him of…
and we also have to remember who we're talking about... buck sure i’ll check out a hot guy's ass but that’s normal buckley... buck i’m an ally buckley....
and! for him, eddie isn't just his best friend—he's eddie!!!! his most special and favorite guy who can do no wrong! the most gorgeous, most impressive, most infuriatingly good person buck knows. of course eddie is breathtaking. of course he's everything! that's just a fact of the universe—as undeniable as gravity or sunrise. and buck assumes everyone else must see that too, because how could they not?
it's not something he confronts on his own, because it doesn't occur to him to. eddie is woven into his days, his choices, into every version of the future he pictures; he just hasn't fully let himself look close enough to realize what that means. until (gag i know) tommy brings it up.
so, no, i dont think he knows, not fully at least. but the love is there, though—in the rhythm of their lives, the spaces between what's said, in the future he hasn't quite dared to name. BUT big questions have been asked now, and i don't think he's going to be able to un-hear them.
it's waiting for him to catch up. and when he does, it won't feel like something new. it's going to feel like something that's been true for a long, long time.
