T minus 2... to a pa---
*to the rhythm of Adam's breakdown in Hazbin hotel"
Nose bleed...
Please do not approach me now.
God damn, where did the hell the time go now?
How am I still standing under this pressure
Under all this anger,
I swear, I am. gonna. break.
Please now, universe please and help me soothe me low
I swear. I can't take another blow.
My bones are heavily aching,
My muscles are quaking.
Get a grip
Take a dare
I can stop you right there!
There's no call for harrass(ment)
Swallow your pride
Set your shamefullness fly(ing)
Bitch you better fall. Back.
~~~~
I'm overwhelmed.
Money problems
Friends.
Reminders of those who were.
I'm so angry.
And so tired.
No one. None of my friends know how hard I push my lungs to breathe.
A simple hello drives my tears deeper into the dark.
They can't know
They. Can't. Know.
When did it start falling apart?
When did I stop telling them?
When did I pull back?
When will they *notice*.
They didn't.
All of them.
For one year or five.
For two years.
Three years.
I swallow the rocks that block my throat.
Because I refuse to hurt them.
I refuse to be angry.
They've been through. So .uch.
I'm.
Realize this. I will call you out on your bullshit. For I will not stand for it.
I will not stand for it.
I.
Will.
Not.
Life will happen the way I needs to.
I don't need your permissions or your sorry excuses.
I don't need your follow or your @.
I don't need proof to know you're there.
I need someone to just see.
To be.
To help.
To guide.
Don't fucking ground me, a bird finding their wings.
Don't fucking drown me as a creature who breathes.
Do not fucking tell me you want me to be happt then follow it up with a god. Damn. "But...."
Because I'll have you know. I studied enough psychology to understand that the shit behind people's words, are the lies they wish to mask.
The first thing you say, is society's terms. The second thought, what comes after the "But...." are your conditions.
Blind yourself with my light, as you so wish to drown.
You will never hear the strength of a lion's voice as you have kept them in a cage.
You tried to put blinders on a horse when they barely were tamed.
You. Cannot.
Hold.
Me.
Back.
You want me to be happy?
You think I'm a good friend?
You think I'm good to just rant at?
Think the fuck again.
I'm tired of this shit.
I'm tired to being withheld.
Fuck you.
Cut your losses.
Drown in your own misery.
Drown in the attention you crave from the posts you make.
May both of you drown in the silence of my absence.
For I do not need permission to exist.
I do not need someone dismissing me.
I do not need someone silencing me.
I do not need someone restraining.
my silence.
Will be louder.
Than your attempts.
To drown it out.
Fuck the panic attack.
Fuck the world.
Someone will meet EXCEED my standards.
I will not be unloved.
I will not be unheard.
I will not. Be drowned.
I have found my voice.
My rhythm.
And you.
Are not part of it.
Any. More.
So go blame your crazy EX.
So go blame they who didn't communicate their "hurt"
I shouldn't have to. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.
You YOU ASKED ME HOW I WAS.
FRESHLY OFF THE BREAKOFF.
DEEP IN DEPRESSION. DEEP IN ANXIETY. DEEP IN POOLS OF TEARS YOU NEVER SAQ.
And I needed. A minute. God forbid. I need another second of your time.
To process.
I. Am not. Like you. You, who runs around, posting so many photos to show you're "fine"
You who only hang out with men.
You who hang out with people who use you.
you'd say you'd fucking listen.
And you chose. To stay.
Stagnation is not a fault in one's actions, but a choice in another's movement.
You can choose to stand there, calling foe my help, asking for my help.
But you. Have not. Checked on me
In a month. Because I have not called back.
It's. Not. My. Job.
Make your damn efforts.
They'll fall on deaf ears.
~~~
I have wanted to reduce to names.
Wanted.
I will not leave these with the worst of me.
I will be better.
Not better than them.
Better than the child I was. The anger I held then. To want to name call.
But you all still have names. Most of you at least.
That girl
Poison
Lab
The time ticks slowly. But it's ticking.
My silence
Will not be your ammo.
Growth is not the action of stating a fact, but the art of noticing.
Growth cannot be done all at once. You do not see a flower, freshly planted, grow straight to it's bloom.
It roots
And tests.
It absorbs
And rejects.
As the stem grows the leaves do not start.
As the leaves sprout the flowers still do not bud.
Only then do the buds begin to peak.
Growth is not all at once, a forced to be.
It.
Is the art of noticing.
And both of you, have failed to notice, how I could have felt.
Cared for.
Loved
Adored.
Appreciated.
I will be the unkind mind you run from.
For I have been caged and silenced.
For.
Too.
Long.
