#hoppo insert

Ok so

The first thing people need to realise about us three is that our sleep schedules are fucked

Namely because of Clyde’s bartending (by which I mean Clyde staying out most nights anywhere between 12am and 4am) and my general aversion to sunlight. So little ol human you definitely gets a lot of time to do your thing during the day while Clyde is in various stages of passed out and I’m in various stages of being draped on top of him with the blinds closed

At night when he goes off to work, 100% chance we snuggle and watch movies. I’ll cook for you, even if I’m definitely not able to eat it. That’s fine - you should defs look after your poor human body

Please don’t mind me when I stumble into the house at 3am making a racket with blood dripping down my lips and a bleary look in my eye like “this is not what it looks like, guys”

It is probably what it looks like

If youre too hot - cuddle me. If you’re too cold - cuddle Clyde. If you’re lukewarm - good, it’s snuggle pile time

Ruts are a very wild time, because I’ll definitely smell it before Clyde feels it, and he’ll definitely be eyeing you up like you’re something to eat and giving you an awful lot of kisses

Eventually the knotting will need to happen, and that’ll be gooooooood

You can fuck him while I bite...him? Or you? Either way, I win

I’ll get Clyde to wear my sweater to make it nice and warm and then put it on you when you’re sad

Date nights are snuggle piles ft popcorn / blood bag / steak

On full moons; Clyde’s natural instinct to not like vampires gets ramped, so he gets sort of antsy at me. You may need to act as an intermediary so the big puppy doesn’t chase me around the garden

The next morning though I’ll need to borrow him for cuddles while he sulks about how sorry he is

Bathing Clyde is a two person job, so having you around is a 10/10

You’ll have to watch Lord of The Rings at least once a month. It is a requirement in our household. But if you get through it and feign enjoyment, you will get lots of smooches

Maybe more if you’re good

And cake!

And the love of one big puppy and one tipsy vampire in a sweater

We love our little human and will protect them from all harm

Friday night is for pizza and marathoning of TV shows, so you know what’s gonna happen here - we’re all just going to make a giant blanket fort and eat endless pizza

Clyde always does the ordering and it’s a CRAZY amount of food - chicken wings, pizza, garlic bread, cheesy garlic bread, endless dips, chocolate mousse

He’ll spread it all out on the floor while we make this fort of blankets,which is pretty much just a huge pile of blankets, pillows and fairy lights

Wine is opened, and the evening will devolve, because now there’s alcohol and Trailer Park Boys and everything is just a long string of references

I try to turn it into a drinking game, which Clyde always ends up dismissing and just drinking anyway, but WE CAN PLAY

“Drink every time Mr Lahey drinks” has been banned, but we can do “down your drink every time anyone references Randy has no shirt on” which is a riot

Clyde trying on my glasses and doing a brilliant impression of Bubbles

Lots of snuggles turns into lots of kisses, which will turn into either one of two things

We all fall asleep in a cuddle pile, comfy and sated and a little tipsy

OR

YOU KNOW

MORE INTENSE KISSING

Naturally at that point Clyde decides chocolate mousse doesn’t require a spoon to be eaten...

(maybe I’ll fill in the gaps when I’m less sober)