#hopeexists

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My sister has her own live radio show. It’s one of the extra curriculars she participates in on her college campus. I can’t give too many more details, just for the sake of my anonymity. It’s a great show! And I’m so very proud of her. I try to listen when I can but I don’t always get to. It airs on the weekends, which can be busy for me after I work fifty ish hours throughout the week. 

Her theme changes week to week. The last one, so help me, was “love songs.” I put in a request the day before her show was to air for “sit next to me” by Foster the People. Not the original, the new reworked version. I’ve always enjoyed the original. It’s dance able, while being thoughtful in it’s own way. If you slow down for a minute, listen to the lyrics, and meditate on them, you’ll see that it’s a totally underrated song. The rework takes these deeper, more thoughtful themes and expands upon them in such a beautiful way. 

I sent my sister a link to this version and less than a minute later she had already formed a hard opinion. 

“He just wants me to sit next to him”

“Now he wants to take me home?”

“I don’t think he loves me”

Then one minute later she sent a couple more texts.

“It’s a jam”

“But not what I’d call a love song”

She’s a music person too. I know she is! How could she not get it? I sat there lost in my head for a few minutes. Cell phone still open. Whether or not she played the song didn’t matter. It’s her two hours and I respect that. Her decisions are fine by me. For whatever reason, I just needed her to hear what I was hearing. 

“Idk... there are deeper themes/meanings to explore here. I’ve always thought that. The rework highlights it nicely. He keeps sadly saying “it’s alright.” I think he *might* love her but for whatever reasons he’s settling. So it’s not a song about two people being annoyingly, unrealistically, stupidly in love. But you shouldn’t dismiss it so quickly and say it’s definitely not a love song.”

My sister didn’t play the song. It’s fine by me. That’s not why I’m putting all of this out there.

After I sent my pathetic text of a rebuttal I stared down at my phone for a second in disbelief. I felt. I cared. Even if it was just about a song. Weeks and months after drifting through everything... there I was. I had imagined a moment like that to be overwhelming. It wasn’t, not really. It snuck up on me and I wasn’t sure how I felt. About feeling things again. If that makes sense. I’m still puzzling it out. First I need to accomplish some of my goals. I need some more time to chill in my apartment, and only leave for work. I need to learn how to live again. I need to trust myself enough to. I need to become a smarter, more trustworthy person who knows how to listen to her head. 

So... first things first. Those things will come. Now I know that I’m still capable of caring. I’m still able to look out the window and see colors. Maybe I’ll rediscover more of these things when I’m ready. It does help to know that. 

There is hope.

Cheesy. But real. 

That’s what I wanted to share. Hope is one of the few things that are real. It will never give up on you. So don’t give up on yourself.