all it would take for dirge to not go down the path he ended up on is a change of circumstance. hes extremely social, so his immediate circle determines a LOT of what he considers acceptable, and what he mimics behaviorally. hes hand crafted out of bhaals gore, so his first moments being distinct from bhaal himself are wandering baldurs gate, naked alone and covered in viscera. his default mental defense mechanism is social mimicry, because he isnt a person, hes a murderous cuckoo trying to assimilate into the nest. hes essentially building a brand new OS for himself out of linux while everyone around him got windows 7 just for booting up. change what he has access to and the end person looks totally different, even using the same building blocks

so dirge is adopted by a lolth sworn drow couple who fled menzoberranzan (i havent pinned down why) and ended up living in baldurs gate as lower income refugees. (two bedroom cottage. relative squalor. poor part of the city)

the two of them had been having trouble properly acclimating to life in the city before they encountered dirge, freshly created out of bhaals gore and set to wander the alleys of baldurs gate. theyre no strangers to the Gates darker side, and a blood stained naked tiefling toddler wandering the bad side of town in the middle of the night leads one to draw some conclusions. having already been thinking about starting a family, they take dirge in and raise him as their own.

dirge is adored by his parents. hes a sweet child, affectionate and shy and curious, and raising him is exactly the push their lives needed to move forward. notably they are both still Evil aligned. their reasons for fleeing the underdark were specific and individual, rather than systemic or moral. while i doubt they still worship Lolth, its not like theyre opposed to the murders Lolth so often asks her followere to commit.

the urge awakens young in dirge, and its first manifestation is to drag his child body out of bed, to grab a knife, and stab both of his sleeping parents in the throat.

this situation isnt particularly hard to avoid, and dirge is successfully isolated almost entirely due to the element of surprise. all it would take is his mom working late, or opting to trance instead, and hearing him pad into the room with a weapon. hes not even 8 when this happens, so is very easily overpowered by even his slighter built mother, even with the Urge unnaturally strengthening his tiny body. itd be a long, upsetting night, and thered be wounds to treat in the morning, but at the end of it dirge would come to and immediately start bawling, overwhelmingly guilty at having attacked them.

theyd take it in stride. they wouldnt know exactly what was wrong with dirge, but theyd very quickly figure out it was something happening TO him and not something he knowingly or willingly engaged in. hailing from menzoberranzan, theyd be familiar with all the ways the will of a god can influence the day to day lives of mortals, but wouldnt know enough about surface gods to have any suspects. but theyd simply adjust their lives around this new complication. only one parent sleeps at a time, and they use trance. the other one stays awake and keeps an eye on dirge in case of nighttime episodes. theyd adjust their work schedules around it so that he was never left alone and unguarded. if dirge has another nighttime Urge episode, he just ends up restrained until it passes and no one sleeps that night. after a few years of this, bhaal starts sending assassins from the temple to reclaim his heir. but if anyones prepared for visitations in the night by politically motivated assassins, its two people who grew up in Backstab City

so dirge here grows up loved, and valued, and protected, and most importantly with a support system whos priorities are about controlling and managing his Urge, not overcoming or repressing it. hes still surrounded by death and blood, the difference here is that his autonomy is preserved and encouraged. his parents wont let him be subsumed into the will of a defiant god, but they dont shy away from confronting the realities of what he is. dirge will always be driven to kill, but whats important is killing pragmatically, safely, in a way that doesnt risk the family's stability. dirge still ends up Evil, but its a quieter and more restrained evil, one that simply understands the nature of what he is (even if he doesnt know the exact circumstances) and refuses to deny it. there is no death cult nihilism or a burning need to prove himself through atonement and worthiness trials, and while hes ambitious still, its an ambitiousness that is focused more on whats feasibly within reach more than grand overarching goals. dirge here keeps his nature as a bhaalspawn tightly under wraps, because its less relevant for other people to know, and is loathe to leave his comfort zone of his family, as theyre the only ones proven to reliably handle his compulsions in a way that minimizes risk.

the alternate scenario, one where dirge kills his parents but manages to NOT become the absolute making serial killer we know and love, actually focuses more on his siblings!

so some context and setup. dirge is the last of four spawn, all crafted in the same manner. bhaal carved away chunks of his body to craft spawn to carry out his will upon the material plane, each found unworthy and unfit in some fashion. the first of these is zherimon, a tiefling paladin driven by pride. zherimon inherited rule of the temple from sarevok, who retires to the tribunal and focuses all his effort on the training of unholy assassins and deathbringers. however, zherimon feels that a being made from the flesh of a god is meant for so much more than lowly service, and has been seeking a way to leave the temple for some time. after zherimon was deemed unfit, owing to his pride making him uncooperative and ambitious, bhaal tried again. the second attempt was the drow paladin ornaryn, driven by a sense of duty. ornaryn came into his paladin oath after leaving menzoberanzan, and swore an oath of vengeance against all who would prey upon the innocent and weak. morally opposed to the acts bhaal would call him to commit, ornaryn is utterly against the actions of the temple, but is drawn there nonetheless. unfit to take zherimons place as head of the temple, the two are utterly opposed to each other on every level. ornaryn considers zherimon to have the potential to become one of the greatest threats to peace on faerun, and zherimon finds the drow irritating and aggravating for his constant efforts to foil his attempts to leave the temple and realize his ambitions. ornaryn stays within the temple of bhaal to maintain a watchful presence on zherimon, and to try and diminish and undermine the cult however he can. his actions to drive the cult to ruin benefit zherimon (who only makes token efforts of appeasement to bhaal) and thus his death has not been ordered... yet. Deeming Ornaryn a total failure, Bhaal instead uses the Urge to force uncontrollable acts of slaughter on Ornaryn, typically by forcing him to choose between two victims that would break his oath. Ornaryn uses the Cult to limit these incidents as best he can, and satiate his Urges with the blood of villains.

The third attempt, after Zherimon and Ornaryns back and forth made it obvious neither would make a point of slaughtering the other (both unwilling to bring Bhaal satisfaction on this matter), was a goliath barbarian, Haflidi. Haflidis Urge typically manifested as an all consuming rage that would not be quenched by aught less than a sea of blood, and the awakening of his Urge resulted in the deaths of every last person within his village, all before he had even become a man proper. However, while Hafldi was neither driven by ambitious pride, or regretful duty, he still proved himself utterly unworthy. Halfidi was completely unable to be motivated by anything beyond his self interest, and attempts to force him would instead result in him proving his divine heritage by digging his heels in and refusing to do anything at all. Lazy and slothful, Haflidi made his way to the temple solely because it would support his occasional need for blood, and near immediately proved that another heir would be needed.

That last spawn was Dirge. Coming on the heels of 3 failures, Dirge was crafted with the intent of forcing him into the role of Chosen, regardless of how much he would need to be broken for it. His Urges awoke earlier than any other, killing his parents, and driving him into the waiting arms of the temple, guided by a dedicated butler in the form of Sceleritas. When Dirge usually arrives at the temple, he then spends the next several years isolated within the temple, groomed and indoctrinated for the role of cult leader and chosen, alongside Orin. But the night he arrives is what provides the oppurtunity for events to turn out differently.

Orin has already slain her mother, and been used as Bhaal's Mouthpiece for the killing. While still young, Sarevok intends for her to replace Zherimon. Dirge arrives as the so called Purest Essence of Bhaal, and provides a second option. Zherimon, through Dirge and Orin, sees a means of escaping the Temple at long last. If one of them ascends as Leader, Bhaal's vindictive gaze would at long last stray to focus on them, instead of him, and he would finally have enough freedom to begin enacting his schemes without fear of divine sabotage. Ornaryn sees Dirge enter the temple, and understands EXACTLY what Zherimon is going to do. Predicting this, both Zherimon and Bhaal have forced Ornaryn into a new quandry: Follow the call of the Urge to slay the foes of Bhaal across the continent, or stay and be driven by it to try and kill two children and be slain in the attempt. Ornaryn typically forces himself to go that night, reasoning that if he manages to finish this dark deed with enough haste, he can return and free Orin and Dirge both, that Zherimon would kill him in his Urge maddened state if he remained, and he would be no help to them if he died. But Ornaryn was not intended to return, and he is kept from the temple for many many long years. When he does manage to return, Dirge has ascended into Zherimons position as leader, and has been utterly subsumed by his role as The Dark Urge. Zherimon instead forces Ornaryn and Haflidi both into supporting roles for Dirge's rule of the temple, and then retreats from power to continue pulling away from Bhaal entirely.

However. When Ornaryn instead chooses not to leave in the night, but stay.

Ornaryn waits, waits until the sun slips below the horizon, and the temple begins to empty out. All that remains are those who live within the temple itself, the bhaalspawn and the twisted and wicked too zealous to integrate into society even as a mask, so monstrous are they in their faith. The Urge will be sated tonight. But not by innocent blood.

Ornaryn kills every last zealot in the temple proper. Zherimon is sleeping within his chambers, and Sarevok resides within the tribunal. Ornaryns spear looses rivers of blood, and the temple runs red with it. When the deed is done, Ornaryn hurries to wake Haflidi and tells him they are leaving the temple, before rushing to grab Dirge and Orin, who were sharing a room to ease Dirge's first night in the temple. Sceleritas is slain before he gets the chance to wake them, and Ornaryn gathers the sleepy confused children into his arms to make a hasty escape.

Awoken by the commotion, Zherimon emerges from his room to a scene of carnage. Instantly understanding whats happening, he immediately rushes out to confront Ornaryn from stealing away his chance at escape. Zherimon catches up as they're making their way out of the Undercity, and Ornaryn shoves the children into Haflidis arms and tells him to run, run fast, and to never slow for anything. Confused and disoriented by the rushes series of events, Haflidi complies and sprints holding onto Dirge and Orin. Haflidi runs out of the undercity, out of the sewers, and into the Lower City, where he breaks into an abandoned house to try and wait for Ornaryns return. Hes there for hours, as his younger siblings fully awaken and begin to fuss and cry at having been dragged away for the temple, Orin throwing tantrums at being so far from her grandfather and Dirge utterly miserable at all the events of the day. Haflidi is on the brink of a rage, when Ornaryn returns stumbling, missing an arm and one of his eyes. Having managed to fight Zherimon to a standstill, he starts trying to recover and make a new plan of action to ensure their safety.

The events of the night have been tumultuous, and most importantly, loud. The conflict between the two eldest divine spawn was an arduous drawn out affair, and the battle has all the makings of a brewing incident. Attempting to get a handle on the situation before it escalates, Jaheira investigates the commotion, and follows the blood trail to a house in the Lower City containing not one, not two, but four Bhaalspawn, one of whom is the source of the gore and clumsily attempting to point a spear in her direction to protect the other three.

The end result of that chain of events, is that the four of them end up integrated into Jaheira's household close to the Upper City, to both provide the children with a chance for a better life, and to maintain vigilance over the movements of Bhaal's Cult, now severely weakened. Dirge grows up with a large family, but is constantly plagued by the Urge, as Bhaal is unwilling to surrender his goals for the youngest of his hand sculpted spawn. Dirge ends up something of a shut in, because of it, viewing himself as a constant potential danger to his family, and unreliable because of it. Jaheira tries to help satiate his Urges with hunting, but animal deaths barely satisfy it at all.

Hes mostly an introverted weirdo, who adores and loves his family but rarely leaves his room, or the shed outside where he practices his hobbies. The hunting may not help the Urges, but its fantastic for leatherworking and taxidermy, and Dirge supplies Orin with whatever materials she asks for as she pursues her art. Whole skinned raccoons, preserved deer heads, skeletons cleaned and then conjoined unnaturally. Orin maintains her independence and ambition, now supported by a whole adopted family, but spends a good chunk of her time worrying about her reclusive listless brother who doesn't seem to desire much beyond isolating himself. Despite having multiple siblings in his life, Dirge stays closest with Orin, the two of them as close as twins (Orin also maintains her habit of shapeshifting into him semi regularly).

Dirge here is closer to True Neutral, rather than his usual Neutral Evil, too anxious of himself and his nature to meaningfully commit to anything, but too supported and loved to develop his usual callousness towards life. Dirge mostly wishes to avoid causing pain for his family, and doesnt trust that he wont risk their lives and wellbeings in some manner. Hes nervous, antisocial, deeply loyal and affectionate, and very eccentric with his hobbies and passions. Different circumstances tend to emphasize different aspects of canon!Dirge and this one really highlights the ways hes just kind of. Odd. even without the murder

Karlach is the first one he thinks of because they are silly4silly and had a brief FWB situation. She means the world to him and was a major influence in Dirge moving out of his survival mindset/nihilism+death cult habit into genuinely appreciating being alive.

Astarion is also one of his best friends. They matched each others energies very early on and Dirge consistely refused to entertain Astarion's suave manipulator persona in the slightest, instead treating it as an over the top dramatic role they were both playing. His blunt, nonjudgemental, casual approach cut through a lot of Astarion's pomp and circumstance and build the foundations for a genuine appreciation and fondness (that eventually shifted away from sexual into purely platonic), and in return Astarion is one of the few people who consistently notices and points out Dirge's heavily concealed emotional issues and poorly repressed traumas. Theres a lot of broad overlap in their experiences, the loss of autonomy and the sexual trauma it carried with it, and Astarion is almost always the first to clock it. Because of that, Dirge will be open with Astarion about fears and vulnerabilities he keeps even from Minthara (not out of a purposeful desire to keep her out of the loop; Dirge needs a lot of pressing to open up about his Urge related vulnerabilities. Astarion knows how and when to press because Dirge employs similar avoidance tactics he does. Astarion also clocks what Dirge needs to be pressed on and what to let lie. With Minthara, Dirge wants to emphasize his independence and autonomy, instead of coming off as helpless or weak in the face of dangers that could threaten Minthara's life, and make a point of specifically targeting her.) Beyond just a mutual acknowledgement of trauma, they're both messy GNC bi/pan gossip fiends with weird eccentric ideas of hedonism. I'm sure there was talk of the viability of orgies in a heated blood jacuzi at least once with them.

His third bestie is Shadowheart! Dirge rescues her twice over, first the Nautiloid and then the beach, and they rely on each other for survival next to immediately. Their relationship is a lot closer to familial, and Dirge is very teasing with her and vice versa. There was a brief hint of romance extremely early on, but it died fairly quick in favor of their current dynamic. Dirge was INCREDIBLY nosy about Shadowheart and her life, but never really pushed it, so despite her fondness for secrets she ended up indulging him anyways about it. Similar to Astarion, shes also a gossip fiend, but not nearly as weird. She almost definitely clocks that Dirge isn't nearly as cisgender as he avoids thinking he is, and they spend a lot of time chatting while Dirge braids her hair or Shadowheart helps reapply his eyeshadow+mascara.

His fourth bestie is Isobel. They hit it off p well in Last Light Inn, successfully fending off Marcus. Theres a brief bit (all headcanon ofc) where Jaheira checks on the other Harpers, while the party assesses the damage, and Dirge is left alone with Isobel. Alone in an isolated room without any witnesses, everyone too far away to stop him, its almost too much, and as is his habit by now, Dirge confesses his near overwhelming Urge to murder her so she can safeguard herself from him. But instead, Isobel is the first person to distinguish the Urge as something that is not indicative of Dirge himself. Even as it makes the Urge roil and seethe, she reassures him that this isn't what he wants. Its just the push he needs to fully repress it, and just like that the Urge is as meek and tamed as a beaten dog. And Isobel notices, and notices immediately. "There you are. The real you." Its more acknowledgement than Dirge ever recalls getting before. And he immediately decides he likes her for it.

Even though he isn't aware of it at the time, Dirge IS a godspawn, and personally I just believe Isobel has a habit of unintentionally drawing them to her, owing to her deep connection to divinity through her identity as a cleric. Not to say Isobel is built different but she kind of is. So Dirge is just unconsciously drawn to her presence, and Isobel has a soothing effect on him. Beyond that, the two of them just fall into an easy affection, as natural as breathing. I dont think Isobel is nearly as cut and dry Sunshine and Roses as she seems to be, and I think Dirge is the only person shes comfortable expressing a dry, morbid sense of humor around. Theres a selfish desire for friendship there, also. Dirge is Evil, and he never stops being evil, he just adjusts his behavior. But despite knowing this, Isobel selfishly wants to stay around him anyways. Shes lost so much and has so little now, she WANTS someone besides Aylin to be around, to talk to, especially because there are parts of her she cant express around Aylin, out of respect for her trauma. But theres a rot inside her that wont leave, a patchwork plethora of scars that wont fade, and a burning rotten world lit only by the faint light of the moon, and sometimes its all so ridiculous she cant help but want to laugh. But who else would laugh with her? The bhaalspawn scion of murder who once sought to kill the world, thats who. And shes loathe to give that up.

Beyond the initial connection and selfish desire to maintain it, they just have a very easy casual vulnerability with each other. Isobel can read Dirge like an open book, and quickly clocks that he isn't nearly as complicated as he seems to be. She's never once scared of him, teasing him easily and freely and enjoying a casual level of physical affection, and even when he postures and threatens in response, he doesn't mean it or he wouldn't say it. Theres a mix of sillyness, vulnerability, and casual platonic love, owing both to the lengths Dirge goes through to finish Ketheric and reunite her with Aylin, and a shared trauma of violated autonomy. Dirge is the one who pulled Isobel from her tomb, and Dirge is the one who prepared her body for resurrection. The memory comes suddenly upon seeing Isobel's autopsy scars (a headcanon i live and breathe by), hot on the heels of learning the origins of his own autopsy scars, and Isobel doesn't have to push very hard to make him haltingly explain the memory he just recollected.

Ever since she awoke, Isobel has been haunted by the knowledge that someone fished her out of death and stuffed her back into her own corpse. She imagines her father, trying to resurrect a parody of his daughter, one who didnt need the other half of her soul locked away in the Shadowfell. She imagines Balthazar, his cold cynical objectifying hands, clammy and cruel and devoid of care. It sickens her. She avoids thinking of it. But she needs to know, to stop imagining and try to move past it. Dirge emphasizes his responsibility. Doesnt make excuses or minimizes. The guilt is palpable. But nonetheless, a scene crystallizes perfectly in her mind. The Scion of Bhaal, driven to kill and murder, delicately peeling away the skin deep mask to see the person underneath. Mournful and full of regret already. He knows the violation hes enabling. He hates it even now. He cant ask her consent, or explain the necessity he feels. He can only cut away the rot to make way for something new. Seeing her. Thinking of her. Not as a symbol, or as a tool. A person. Someone with thoughts and feelings, who will wake up and breathe and bleed and live. Someone who is looking at Isobel Thorm, not the lost daughter or the tool to end the world, but her. This whole time, the person who gave her a second life, was thinking about her and what shed do with it and how he sacrificed everything he believed in for her, and how badly he wished he could tell her, talk to her, explain to her. He gave her back Aylin. He ended the legacy of her father, the wight he became and the curse he spewed forth. He gave Isobel back her life and then gave her a reason to live it. Hearing him talk, thinking even now of the person behind the cleric, thinking even still of her and what shed want, the rot finally starts to loosen. He thinks its only fair he tells her about Kressa, even as she protests, but its not like she got to choose for him to know this about her. Its the least he can do for her. Autonomy violated, bodies desecrated, Isobel and Dirge always, always, see the person behind the god. They can't help but love each other for it.

Best friends indeed.

24: how does your OC handle death of someone they know?

Badly. Despite being a harbinger of death, Dirge isn't actually equipped for grief. He's never had to grieve before, and no ones ever shown him how or how to get through it. He was indoctrinated out of grieving his parents, and had no loved ones outside the temple until meeting Gortash. He doesn't know how it works or what to do about it, and is forced to try and make do.

Hes going to live forever. He knows this. Its hard to fully grok though, because hes always danced on the knifes edge. But the edge is dulled and stable now, and his feet no longer threaten to slip. Theres a home with a garden, the evenings are quiet, and no screams fill the night air. He is going to live forever. And so few others will. Its part of why Isobel insists on keeping in contact with him. In much the same way Aylin is adjusting to life as a person, and not a holy sword, Dirge needs the guidance and experience Aylin can give him on what eternity looks like. Astarion also. But the others? They will wither and fade. Theres no engine that will make Karlach eternal.

He wont force it onto anyone. If its their desire to grow old and die, Dirge will respect it, and fight like hell to ensure it comes to pass. But the thought of it is sad, and lonely. Minthara, at least, seeks to stand beside him until eternity takes them both. The others arent so keen. He hasn't quite figured out how to mourn yet. His grief for Orin is clumsy and awkward, full of regret. It feels like even in her passing, hes still overshadowing her with his own feelings of loss. Despite knowing where shes gone to. What awaits her. He avoids thinking of Gortash. What Bane is subjecting him to. Tries to ignore the parts of him that want to snatch him away from it all. Tries not to be selfish. Its hard, because grief is a starving, selfish thing, and there is so much to mourn, so much to bury. The person he used to be. The people that man loved. The life he wanted for himself. Grief is always looking inward, and eating itself just for a sensation that isnt numb.

It never gets easier, even with practice. The world gets a little smaller, a little dimmer. He never quite knows what to say, what to do. Its just this awkward lump he cant figure out how to carry. He wouldnt put it down for the world. He loves too much for that. It just weighs him down, more and more. Thats just how he loves someone who cant feel it anymore.