#dirge askgames

So life is more or less determined to make me perma broke lmao so i'll just cut to the chase to give yall the main points 🫶

Basically: I'm legally homeless (but stably housed; basically no legal address for mail) with only my mothers disability benefits as stable income. Jobs are unreliable for our household and only sporadically help us out, so I pretty consistently need a little extra money for basic essentials like groceries and food for our 5 cats 🫶

Every cent counts, and even tho I would love to pay people back, life has yet to give me the financial stability to do so 😭 If you've got a little extra to spare, heres where you can toss it 💜

P*ypal // C*shapp // V*nmo

(censored so this post stays visible lmao)

With that out of the way, i'm also a writer! im not a FINISHER so its 90% wips, but if you'd like to see me write about THIS 👇 sonofabitch, visit my blog @wipsoftermina !! All the tags used on this blog are under the readmore if you wanna see my dumbass posts better 💜

Discomfort: 4/10. it probably should be higher and he feels a little bad it isn't, but theres much worse things he could be talking about LMAO

As for guilty pleasures, most pleasures he had as a Bhaalist were guilty ones by virtue of not being Murder or Religious Zeal. But in terms of repeated, intentional indulgences, only one really comes to mind.

Gortash.

booo tomato tomato 🍅 I KNOWW i cant help his taste 😭 unfortunately for us all, Gortash was made in a lab to compliment Dirge's neuroses near exactly.

Gortash is a prideful person, who loves to posture and peacock and show off the power he feels hes worked to obtain, and hes the kind of person who sees something out of reach, and thinks to himself "I'm going to be the one to get that." And to that end, Gortash is utterly shameless about what he'd have to do to acquire what he wants.

Dirge views himself not just as Bhaal's Weapon, but an extension of Bhaal Himself. There is no personhood, no individuality (nor should there be), he belongs completely and utterly to his Father. He is Bhaal's possession, body mind and soul.

What a feather in Envers cap to get his hands on THAT, huh?

And the thing is. Dirge is deeply isolated, distanced by necessity from Orin, idolized and dehumanized by his followers. All of his skills, his efforts, his accomishments, they aren't really his. They're Bhaal's. And Gortash never really buys into that, because hes a filthy heretic Baneite, but moreso because Dirge is first and foremost his business partner. Gortash and Dirge initially started working together as a matter of business for their respective cults, weapons supplier and weapons purchaser, in contact through various third parties as their circles grew ever more overlapped, eventually leading to that fateful first heist together, proposed by Gortash to get a feel for a partner that had become increasingly important as a consistent source of income, who occupied a social circle adjacent to his own. And then Dirge wasn't just an influential business partner, but a genuine force of nature in his own right.

And, crucially, woefully underutilized in his current field of choice.

Dirge was brilliant, insightful, viciously clever, and a powerful font of charisma. Yet most of his skills were bent towards the childish appeasement of a tempermental Father figure who actively prevented Dirge from fully realizing his potential to keep him comfortably subservient. Dirge had a wealth of potential being deliberately smothered, because if fully realized he would pose a considerable threat to Bhaal's aims. And beyond a surface level appreciation of having a skilled comrade allied with him, being able to so clearly see the heights Dirge was capable of achieving but watching him consent to having his wings clipped must have gotten under Gortash's skin bad. You could be so much more than this!! WE could be so much more than this!!

It is Gortash's nature to reach as far and as high as he can, to take all that can be taken. He cannot be persuaded otherwise, once he has decided he wants something, Gortash attacks it from every angle until its his. And he decided that Dirge was being smothered under Bhaal. So obviously that can't stand. And, shameless as he is, Gortash found his angle of attack early on with relative ease. Dirge is hopelessly desperate for appreciation, for a peer, to be challenged and to be fought, and to have his importance proven and reassured over and over again.

Gortash never had to lie with Dirge. All he ever had to do was earnestly express his admiration for such a talented and skilled individual, to truthfully say he considered Dirge capable of so much more, even greater heights of power, to sincerely swear to see it through with him. As partners. Hand in rotten hand.

Dirge came back, again and again and again. Against his better judgement, against his religious beliefs. Because Gortash sensed the truth Dirge couldn't admit to himself: that Bhaal was killing him, and he desperately yearned to be free. It wasn't difficult to figure out that as long as Gortash kept pushing him away from Bhaal, Dirge wouldn't ACTUALLY pose a threat to him, wouldn't be able to meaningfully hurt him, because he yearned to be off the leash. By making Dirge his, Gortash could successfully rob a god, and all it took was the pure and simple truth. Admiring a powerful, clever man for his strengths, taking pride in their accomplishments, and insisting that every effort undertaken was not Bhaal's, but theirs.

It doesn't matter how much Dirge hated himself for it. He craved the validation of selfhood Gortash provided, and dragged himself into Enver's room time and time again. He could never talk himself out of it, because his greatest sin was always that despite how hard he tried, he was never an extension of Bhaal. He was always a person, and it was that personhood Gortash validated.

Even after the lobotomy, Gortash had set the foundation for Dirge to form his relationships with the party. Even knowing what he did to Karlach, Dirge can't shake the affection he has for Enver, because as selfish, evil, and cruel as he was, as self centered as his motives may have been, Gortash is the one who always insisted Dirge was more than Bhaal's monster.

// Bulette

HI HIII @lazybulette (so u can get the notif when this posts :3c )

Discomfort with Question: 6/10 hes already fine wdym? are YOU okay, how are you doing, lets talk about that instead.

What would it take for him to admit he isnt doing okay? Second lobotomy. Maybe with an immersion blender.

Getting Dirge to acknowledge his own emotional state is worse than pulling teeth, he actively fights it externally AND internally.

In his Bhaalist years, emotional turmoil was a sign he was failing in his divine task, and furthermore that he was straying from Bhaal's will, because he should be completely subsumed and without any hesitation, regret, or doubt. If he experienced any of those things, he was not of one mind with Bhaal, and was therefore committing sin and needed to repent. Dirge, unsurprisingly, developed severe religious OCD because of this, obsessed over the idea of Bhaal reading his mind and knowing his secret sins, and compulsively self flagellated on the regular, ritualistically inflicting pain to purge his sin, repent, and atone, thus being more spiritually pure and worthy of hs Father's love and attention (which, coincidentally, just so happened to manifest as divinely inflicted heart attacks, nightmares, and black out episodes of murder that forced Dirge to relive the killing of his adopted parents over and over. Yayyy Papas paying attention :,) ) His OCD subsides some post lobotomy (because he can't remember his obsessive thoughts), but comes back in full force in Act 3, except now he can't remember the rituals he used to relieve the obsession temporarily. Yayyy 🥲

Post lobotomy, most of his habits and sense of self get established as reactions to the tadparty in Act 1. In Act 1, hes fresh out of a hard reset, and using the gang as a metric for how to person. How to think, how to react, what he should feel, how he should behave. He tests the waters a LOT, early on, but Act 1 is when the party is at their most distant, and thus, their most unintentionally cruel. Dirge frequently asks them to help with his Urge, because it upsets and scares him, and routinely his fears are dismissed or misinterpreted, and never treated with the severity he tries to impart. This comes to a head with Alfira's death. Dirges perspective is that Alfira readily joins, and he starts to look forward to having yet another person in camp to help out (which increases their collective odds of survival to boot!), and then goes to bed anticipating his morning routine. Instead he wakes up in the middle of the night, drenched in gore, having seemingly murdered her in his sleep. He's horrified and sickened, and terrified out of his mind. He doesn't wash off the blood or hide the body, because he's scared and he needs help understanding whats going on and how to stop it. The partys reaction is immediate condemnation, disgust, and loathing. Even the most sympathetic, Astarion, chastises Dirge for making a mess.

So Dirge, in his state of being totally unmoored from social habit and desperately trying to build a foundation of "normal" vs "abnormal", experiences a traumatizing revoking of autonomy that results in the horrific murder of someone he was anticipating being friendly with. When asking the only people he can rely on for help and assistance, at the very least with understanding what just happened, instead of sympathy he is instead treating as singularly and personally responsible for this tragic violence. The person who does not outright condemn him still considers him personally, intentionally responsible. So, what did we learn here?

Firstly, anything that happens because of the Urge is Dirge's fault. It doesn't matter if he wasn't conscious, he should have been more responsible, and everyone is rightly upset that he lapsed and got someone killed (because he should have prevented this, even without prior knowledge its something that could even happen). Secondly, nobody really wants to actually help him. I mean, its his issues right? And it doesn't even sound that bad. Everyone gets angry sometimes. Just kill some goblins about it. Thirdly, its his responsibility to protect other people from himself. Nobody should HAVE to deal with him, they've all got their own serious issues going on. Its on Dirge to protect other people from himself. And fourthly, if shit goes south, he's the one that needs to clean up his own messes. Because, btw, Dirge is the one who cleans up Alfira.

The fact the bloody circle on the ground, oddly ritualistic, doesn't wash out is still his problem. Doesn't even mention it to anyone (even tho Gale could almost definitely clock something was off if he learned of it). Cuz why would he? Alfira is Dirge's fault. He buries her body (after imploring Withers to revive her, which Wither's rejects), but not before using Speak with Dead to make an attempt at getting some closure. The only catharsis he can gain is the fact Alfira doesn't blame him (corpses don't respond to their killers, after all).

So even AFTER he gets a forced Hard Reset, which undoes at least SOME of that Catholic Guilt for Having Feelings, one of his most foundational experiences is being blamed for being outright POSSESSED and helplessly killing someone in his sleep. As far as he's concerned, Dirge isn't allowed to admit he isn't fine, because he's a monster where everyone else is a person. He's just grateful everyone hasn't utterly rejected him, and thrown him to the Absolute, so he bends over backwards to make up for the heinousness of his own existence and be responsible for his own problems, while also going out of his way to help everyone with THEIR issues, out of love and gratitude to them.

By the time the tadparty both cares enough to WANT to help Dirge, and Dirge is doing badly enough for it to be noticeable he needs help, he isn't even capable of acknowledging it because his mindset is SO built around considering it his own fault that hes genuinely at a loss when people try to assist. He blacks out most of his own inner turmoil and just tries to brute force past it, entirely unconsciously! He genuinely can't even think of something he'd ask for help WITH, forcing everyone around him to have to play 5d mindchess. Jaheira and Minthara don't even get the chance to crack that wall, despite having the highest chance of success, cuz they don't even get to see Dirge without it.

A big underlying trend with Dirge is that, despite being Neutral Evil, he retains and maintains the capacity to be loving and compassionate, and part of that is Dirge being a better friend to the tadparty than they ever are to him.

YAY BULLYING HIM 🎉🎉🎉

Discomfort with question: solid 8/10. why are you asking about him hes fine, he obviously hasnt given you any reason to suspect otherwise???? which, also, reminds him, how are YOU doin how are things holdin up with you, everything alright? lets not get distracted asking about Dirge here, lets focus on whats important, literally anything else 💯

He spends all of act 3 answering yes to both these questions LMAO

Dirge takes all of Act 1 to get acclimated to his amnesia, and then spends most of Act 2 both enjoying the Shadow Cursed Lands, but also building up his identity as someone who 1) most likely will never remember his past, and thats fine, 2) is the main decision maker and face for the tadparty, and 3) has mysterious killing compulsions that hes so far been able to control by feeding his bloodlust. He internalizes responsibility for Alfira's death, and that crystallizes as a general responsibility for the wellbeing of the party, and develops an identity bent around managing those things and building confidence about it. By Act 2, hes fairly comfortable with his new self and is expressing more of a personality, besides weird impulsive outbursts and people pleasing, and is more openly a murderous freak. He's got this under control! This is fine! He just has to solve everyone's problems and be their friend and be nicies and also make sure his Urges get a steady drip feed of bloodlust 💯

and then the illithid colony happens LMAO

confronted with the evidence of being horrifically violated and helpless, of being forced to exist for months in a state of beastial ferality that was so animalistic he didn't even have the sapience to form memories of it, and then to be told to his face that he was more enjoyable and pleasant in such a state, to then follow it up with a retaliatory bout of possession where despite feeding his Urge a veritable MOUNTAIN of corpses and death, because he refrained from killing Isobel, his autonomy is revoked as punishment, reducing him once again to a beast that has to be restrained lest it gruesomely slaughter the people be cares for, means Dirge walks into Act 2 feeling like he might actually be able to be okay, and walks out of Act 2 actively suicidal but feeling like he doesn't have the right to kill himself. And then Act 3 starts like a week later when he actually gets CLOSE to Baldur's Gate!

Turns out the Dream Guardian who's been assisting them has been uhhhhh actively lying and unintentionally masquerading as Dirge's long deceased adopted mom as a ploy to earn his trust, meaning any potential memories of her might be irrevocably butchered via being overwritten by recent experiences with a manipulative illithid 💔 And THENNNN he gets a long nightmare where Bhaal expositions at him about what he REALLY is! Dirge can't ever go back to the person he used to be, but the person he used to be was a horrible monster born of violence and murder, and also that was the only thing valuable about him, and what he is now is a pathetic hollow shell, utterly useless to anybody he loves but responsible for all of their misery and suffering 💔

He hates that he lost his memories, he hates he isn't the powerful, influential leader of the cult of Bhaal, not because he wants to go back, but because that person was strong, worthwhile, THAT person could have protected his friends, could have spared them the nightmare of being tadpoled and watching their lives unravel. Nevermind that his past self wouldn't have cared, HE would know enough about this to save them, to help them, to be anything besides a worthless husk. If he could just go back, if he could stop being him and be who he used to be, he'd know what to do, how to stop this.

Instead, he isn't JUST useless, no, he's also a monster. He wasn't even born, he was made. Like an object, like a tool, like a weapon. What right does he even have to be close to any of these people? He isn't like them. He never will be. He's an abomination, a loathsome thing made for violence. He isn't meant to be a person, he's sapient by mistake. Everyone has always been right about him. He's a beast, he's a monster, he's bhaalspawn. He can't control his violence, he isn't a person. His existence is a threat. He can't change who he is, he can't change what he is, he can't change how Bhaal is going to kill him for his failures, all he can do is try to make up for his own existence by trying to make the most of the time he has left.

Dirge counts every second in Act 3 and tries to cram as many companion quests in as possible, to help as much of the tadparty as he can, because he knows if he goes down to that temple to fight Orin, he's going to die, and he's going to deserve it. He's always been confident that they'll be able to defeat the Absolute, he's certain they can defeat her without him, but he has to be sure they'll be okay afterwards. That they can live.

Dirge doesn't sleep for most of Act 3 because he isolates himself at night in Stelmane's room where she got murdered, because no one will look there, and he doesn't want to risk losing control and killing everyone in their sleep. Instead he just hates himself and tries to fight off the steadily rising Urge, desperate to be anyone and anything other than what he is and the person hes left being.

37. How would Dirge respond to a player character prompting them with, "Tell me about yourself"?

playing touys with mutuals on the internet 🎉🎉🎉🎉

35. Dirge Greetings (camp animation is looking up from a book hes reading to greet you, goes back to it when conversation is exited):

Low:

"Do you require something of me?"

"You need to ask something of me, specifically?"

"I'll spare a moment for you, but I'd prefer to keep this quick."

Neutral:

"Hm? Something I can help you with?"

"Oh? A question for me, perhaps?"

"Mm? Oh, you have need of me? Any time."

High:

"A pleasure to be graced by your presence."

"Oh, I was just thinking of you actually."

"I don't suppose your here for a quick moment, ah, to ourselves, are you?"

Romanced:

(if Minthara) "Alurlssrin, my second heart, tell me your wish and it is yours."

(if Karlach) "Ah my resident Firestarter. Do we need to burn another tent down?"

(if Astarion) "Mm, if your here for a nibble, either find us a closet or wait until nightfall, at the very least."

(if Gale) "Did you find another passage you need, ah, peer reviewed? You know I'm more than willing to show my work."

(if Tav/other Origin) "Ah my carotid artery, seeing you never fails to make me dizzy" [note: said with humor; making a pun. affectionately calling the player the artery that runs from the heart to supply oxygen to the brain; morbid joke that a visible artery would cause lightheadedness from bloodloss, double entendre because of his own fainting spells]

(if Tav/other Origin) "Say the word, my love, and together we will away to test exactly the limits of restraint on Evard's Black Tentacles"

(if Tav/other Origin) "Beloved dearest, a thrill to see you. Any mountains need moving?"

37. "Tell me about yourself."

DAEDRA I SEE YOUR KNIFE DIRGE HAS PERCEPTION PROFICIENCY AND AT-WILL GUIDANCE YOU ARENT GONNA GET HIM WHEN HIS GUARD IS DOWN!

jokes aside YAYAYAYAYAYAY FUN AND GAMES ON DIRGE ASK

4: Do they look good in red?

Dirge's color pallette is black and blue but *I* think he looks good in red.

15: What would they consider a waste of time– other than school or work?

Small talk with people you don't need or want anything from. Clothes shopping. Holiday decorating. House redecorating in general. Plating food really fancy, like in high end restaurants. Shit like that

30: What would they do if they knew it would be forgiven?

50. what's one moral/belief that Dirge stands by that you personally don't agree with?

bonus points if it has nothing to do with being a Bhaalspawn or the Urge and it's something really mundane

HOOO BOY. GONNA BE HERE A MINUTE

Dirge is. COMICALLY evil. Its part and parcel with being a canon compliant Dark Urge. The biggest one is his complete devaluing of human life and the people who live them. Hes a deeply selfish individual whos moral beliefs are entirely self serving, who doesn't really see any point in political ideology aside from how it can be leveraged to benefit him, and he'll gladly pay lip service to whatever tenets or belief systems will pay the most dividends. He doesn't actually have any greater ideology now that hes free of Bhaal, and is more or less entirely impulse and task driven, which contributes to his problems with long term goal setting. While you can convince him to adjust his behavior, he doesn't see a point in changing his underlying beliefs.

I care REALLY deeply about human lives because I live in a world that arbitrarily devalues them. My family is disabled, Im disabled, my whole family is fat, and I'm a closeted queer in a southern state. I have to fight really hard for the right to stay alive and I find strength and community in that shared struggle with my fellow comrades. I feel that a coherent system of politics and ideological beliefs creates the structures and impetus to enact change and helps build the foundation of a better world, and that those politics must change in response to material conditions and for intended end results.

Dirge being an entirely checked out apolitical agent of self interest is quite literally the furthest thing from the kind of person I want to be and that isnt even touching on how hes an unrepentant serial killer LMAO

o7 IM ON IT!!!

ask game from here!!

1. What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)? 

So, from the get go I was going to make a Dark Urge. I had just finished a playthru as my Bard Tav, and I wanted to do a D!Urge before I tried any of the origins. From there I just went pure self indulgence, making a Tiefling Warlock (which is my go to. Very "Daring today, aren't we?" for me.) and went Great Old One for psionics cuz I wanted to go ham on tadpole powers. And then I hopped into CC!

I immediately decided on a blue and black theme to contrast Orin's red and white, because I adored her on my Tav and really wanted to emphasize her importance and contrast to D!Urge, and then I just went with vibes from there. Dirge ended up being very easy to design in CC, significantly faster than my Tav, with most of his facial features just falling into place (his scars, his tattoos, his eyeliner, his horns, his hair). He has a very strong design+silhouette that all kind of formed together into a cohesive image at the same time. Very fun and distinctive!!

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)? 

His goddamn diction!! I forget words VERY easily (part of why my mom suggested I look into dyslexia), and while Dirge has a very clear character voice, writing how he talks is at least 60% me googling a word i remember the meaning of but not the word itself. He speaks very eloquently, but in a casual, habitual way thats very informal, so while I know the sentence I often struggle with getting the exact words right.

Damn well read bastard...

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

I answered this one here! But I love a lot about Dirge so you get my next fave fact.