#honestness

I have grown an incredible amount as a human adult in the last few years. It's difficult to explain the magnitude of this change that has happened. Alongside that growth I have allowed my mind to expand and become more open. I could not be more grateful for these experiences and I truly understand there is still much more room for growth. I want to learn more about privileges, activism and being a true ally. During this time I was also blessed(due to lack of better words) to meet someone special. A partner, a significant other,a  boyfriend, a special someone who I know will take me to new places I never knew possible. I think with growth and development there's a part of the old you, the young you that wants to break through. It's like little stumbles that trip your days or weeks, and brings you back to a time. They can creep in and take a strong hold like depression. They can be obvious and loud like immaturity. The can be insensitive and bold like ignorance. They can be dangerous and embarrassing like over-consumption. I do not know where they feelings come from and what exactly triggers them.

Sometimes I consider these lapse gifts, well days after I have processed them into some type of firm memory soy product. Eventually I smile because I finally realized I made it through a growing pain. At that moment I learn exactly what made me grown, what forced for my change. Currently I am undergoing many emotional growth with love and relationships. I have a person who is going to change my past, present and future, in all the good ways. Still I struggle with understanding falling in love as an adult, and accepting that love. Like a strong current I have began to throw comedy, insecurities and wind to this growing relationship. That sounds more dramatic than it is and it's because it's mostly an internal dialogue. Its my mind throwing a ping-ball back in forth pretty much reciting he loves me he loves me not. That sounds so ridiculous and I made it much more simple, but it can illustrate the basics of not knowing one can be loved. 

I grew up with a lot of family issues that lacked true stability and love. I can't let my parents take %100 of the blame since those issues have been passed down by generations. I can though recognize those problems which were quite serious and that  I still had privileges that allowed me to be where I am at today. I can't entirely claim I am comfortable writing about my growth and disadvantage and privileges. I am still learning these things and I plan to make sure I can correctly learn how to use them to propel my activism. This month I have learned more than I have in a long time. I am sad, happy, grieving, joyed, proud, validated, and embarrassed of these educational experiences. I am sensitive to emotions and of the ones that people express near me. I hold them dear, I stress them out, I care for them, I cry for them, I get angry for them. I could not of have been this person today if not for all the wonderful amazing Queer people around me. I hope to learn more about you all, and become more a community person.