#honb

liam, harry, and louis have been acting weird since the last mission (since he and rebecca broke up for good this time. since he had to fake his own death to keep his family safe. since he let his ego get in the way and almost compromised a fellow agent)

they’ve taken to walking on eggshells around him, treating him like he’s about to break. but [that’s a stupid, romantic notion. he’s not broken. he’s just learned not to care anymore. he simply can’t afford to]  the world of international espionage is brutal and fast paced. if he wants to stay in this line of work, he's going to have to be a quick study. there's no time for him to fix anything after he's already made a mistake, but there is time for him to learn how to stop himself from making any new ones. he can deal with this. he’s learned his lesson . people will stay for as long as he needs them to- he can control how many people are admitted into his life (into the line of fire). he’s slowly but surely learning to let go.

he’s been cutting off ties with everyone since he signed the first NDA.

he feels like a right bastard for even thinking it, but he knows they belong in the 'past mistakes' category. he knows that leading them down this path with him was the worst thing he could've done- a shitty way to repay them for their friendship. but, for better or for worse, the boys are here now. and they'll stick with him for however longer they decide to keep working for the agency.

he’s not an idiot-he knows they choose to stay out of some strange sense of obligation and friendship and pity- but no matter how hard he tries, distancing himself from them is exhausting. they can be right stubborn bastards when they want to be. he feels pathetically glad that they choose to be that way over him, doesn’t know where he’d be without them, even as he knows that their friendship with him might as well be a death sentence. he’s not easy to deal with. it doesn't make a difference whether he's on the job or not. ruthless, cold, efficient has become his default state. nothing is more important than completing the mission.

he looks over london’s skyline, absently keeping track of the time as dawn breaks. in a few minutes, zayn will check in with base, dodging louis’ attempts to lighten his mood over the phone as he updates him on the mark’s movements.

in a few minutes, he’ll grab his equipment (paint, easel, brushes, emergency transmitter, wallet, tracking device, gun) and head out of his paid-for-in-cash motel room.

in a few minutes, he will become a mediocre street artist, trying to set up shop anywhere and everywhere he can, living by the skin of his teeth.

in a few minutes he will drive himself to the point of exhaustion, doing what he can to lose himself in the illusion, in the job.