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<meta tier="BLACKSITE TRANSMISSION::CHRISTMAS UNFILTERED"> <script> ARCHIVE_TAG="SCROLLTRAP::SATIRE::HOLIDAY TRUTHBOMBS" TRIGGER_WARNING="santa slander, elf labor violations, dark humor, ruined holidays" EFFECT="uncontrollable laughter, nervous reblogs, coal in inbox" </script>
đ đ˝ I MET SANTA⌠AND HE WAS A BIT OF A PERV (A festive poem for the spiritually exhausted)
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I met Santa, but he was a bit of a perv. Called me âHo Ho Hoâ? Manâs got some nerve.
Told him I was a fan, he called me a nerd. Didnât even blink -- I was visibly perturbed.
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His breath smelled like cookies and probable cause. He winked and said, > âYouâve been bad⌠and that deserves applause.â
Said the sleighâs fueled by "elf-made tears." I asked, "You okay?" He said, > âNot since â96 when the reindeer went gay.â
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I said, âSanta, you need therapy and maybe some prayer.â He said, > âShut up and sit -- youâve got lap potential to spare.â
He offered eggnog from a thermos with tape. Label said: âMrs. Clausâs emotional escape.â
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He kept calling me ânaughty,â kept jingling his bells. Then pulled out a scroll and whispered, > âThis oneâs for the private shelves.â
Rudolph walked by smoking a menthol stick. Said âDonât ask. Donât judge. I just need this gig.â
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The elves were twitchy, union signs in hand. Santa shouted, > âBack to work! Youâre magical, not man!â
I asked him, âBro, when did it all go wrong?â He said, > âWhen parents stopped spanking. That ruined the whole song.â
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I said, âI think you need rest, and probably jail.â He said, > âI am rest. I am myth. I am seasonal male.â
I backed away slowly, called an Uber reindeer. Prancer said, > âYouâre lucky. He once tried to lick my ear.â
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Now every Christmas, I sleep with the lights on. A candy cane in hand, and pepper spray drawn.
Because Santaâs out there⌠judging, watching, cursed. And no one warns you whatâs in that âNorth Pole thirst.â
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So if you meet him, and he grins ear to ear⌠Just remember:
đ The real reason he says âHoâ⌠is not holiday cheer.
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