#highasbird

I voluntarily go. It’s completely free. I can send an email right now to the center, never even talking 1 on 1 with the therapist, and cancel my appointment and never return.

Yet, at the end of every session, I tell the same time next Tuesday works.

And I show up.

I don’t hate going because I dislike therapy as a thing.

I hate going because then, hours or days later, I often have realizations that kinda fuck me up for a bit.

I am still that child with the coloring book, asking for help to open their juice while their sibling is mid meltdown.

I am still that child who learned to play quietly, alone, through the chaos.

I am still that child who was left to their own devices as soon as they became competent as the other child demanded more attention.

I scare them all away

The one person to want me at the same time wishes she didn’t.

Has said as much.

…..

….

…

It’s approximately 20 minutes later. Typing the above led to me starting to cry and kinda rage at myself? bc like “oh wow you really are just worthless and shit and you’re an awful person” and all that crap.

but then I had to go look for the cat. so I had to be ok.

so I got up, dried my eyes off, blew my nose, and took a couple hits

now that me that was upset feels like a million years ago and omg that was so silly lol and I’m eating chicken nuggets bc I have the palette of a child while watching a show that really should be tagged with monsterfucker even though it’s basically a knockoff Stargate

Anyway.

I do wonder what is wrong with me.

What the common denominator is.

lol wish I’d turned to drugs sooner my life would’ve been so much easier 😗 ✌️ I wasn’t even cool enough to fall in with the loser stoner kids. I was just with the loser loser kids.

I went to two stores. Went out for a total of 2 hours. And here I am, in bed, in pain from the waist down.

It’s only gotten worse over time.

You know what isn’t fun? Genuinely wondering if I’ll be able to walk in a few years. Maybe earlier.

And I’m supposed to act like I have it all together. Nothing like struggling to do the basic act of walking but ope! Gotta maintain that GPA!

anyway idk something about having your body slowly crumble while you exist within it just

father, attempting to zoom in and moving out of photo into camera roll: (¬_¬) hmmm

Got stood up today

I was honestly pretty excited - they were someone I had always had a lil crush on and I was really excited for the activity planned & sharing it with them.

Oh well.

On the other hand, the hot lesbian at the car dealership who has helped me not once but twice when I have been hit is on tinder. She’s married but that’s not exactly a problem with me…

I always get so worried about swiping on people who I even kinda know irl because what if it’s weird? even though obvs they’d also have to have done so on me…

And that it hurts knowing.

Knowing that you do have feelings for me.