#hide later

https://ew.com/tv/julie-plec-previews-vampire-academy-peacock/

I still play games, write stories, do pictures and do what I like. Age doesn’t matter.

I’m really fortunate to have met wonderful and supportive people in my life. I’m not sure what I’d do if it weren’t for you all. And to the ones who have stuck around for over a decade(!), words can’t describe how grateful I am to you.

more after jump

tw: depressive

today was supposed to be the day we were going to meet 

today was supposed to be the day we were going to santa monica together

it was supposed to be the day you took me to your favorite place 

it was supposed to be the day you were going to take me that awesome mexican place you gushed about in that discord call 

maybe it’s a good thing my body wants to fight itself 

maybe it’s a good thing that the hospital took more of my money 

maybe it’s a good thing that the trip was cancelled

maybe it’s a good thing that i can’t control my emotions 

i was so worried i was going to cry when i saw you 

i was so worried that you wouldn’t like me 

i was so worried you would judge 

i learned from my mistakes

never plan a trip to see someone because they put out a little hot air in a discord call

never trust anyone who fucks with your heart

when your thoughts are screaming out that this is wrong 

that this isn’t right

that you deserve better

So I left HarryHook’s Discord channel. Not even 24 hours after I left, someone from the server messages me and tells me about everyone is pointing fingers and blaming others for me leaving. 

It’s time to tell my story I guess. I won’t go into all the messy details, but Harry strung me along for nearly 4 months. He gave me the impression that he gave a fuck about me when he never did. The OWL trip that was scheduled for this week was planned all around things we talked about in a Discord call back in February, right after Valentine’s Day. He followed all my social media accounts that he has accounts for (twitter and IG). He made it sound like he gave a fuck about me when he didn’t. I was blinded by the fact that I, at the time, had a massive fucking crush on him that started when @punchtominaga introduced me to Apex. There’s more mess to this story, but if you want it, just message me and whatnot. I’ll tell you the whole thing. That’s not why I’m here to write this message. 

I chose to leave under my own free will. I couldn’t work on building my self-esteem and self-love back up while being active in a server that allowed me close contact with Harry. I have been working on re-learning to love myself and get my self-esteem and confidence back after my brain was fucked up because of my brain hemorrhage. I had been working really hard for nearly 3 years. All that work was destroyed in 4 months. The bad days (like yesterday for example) have become more frequent again. The bouts of depression where I was legit stay up until 8 or 9 in the morning on a work day because I have been crying all night have come back. The feelings of me being too fat and that being the reason why nobody will ever love me have returned. So many things I have worked so hard to get rid of have come back, stronger. 

I spent a very long time talking to two people I care very deeply about @punchtominaga and @golden-star-kota and they both suggested that I start the process of cutting Harry from my life. To do this, I needed to leave the server. I needed to leave that intimate setting. I needed to leave it and put it all behind me. With it behind me, I can move forward. There will likely be more done, but as of this point, this is what is helping me the most right now. Just distancing myself from the place where all the voice chats happened. The place where all the bullshit was spewed from his mouth. The place where he is at the most. I had to do this for me. 

I left for that reason. I did not leave because I was forced to. I did not leave because I was mad at anyone in or related to the server. (Except Ina. go fuck yourself lmfao). Please don’t fight over me leaving. Please do not point the finger at the other members in the server. I’m not worth the emotional distress and added drama. I’m not mad at anyone in the server, not even Harry at this point. I legit did this so I can work on rebuilding my self-worth. 

Will I rejoin? Maybe. Once I can learn to love myself again. Once I can rebuild myself. Once I can be confident in myself again. That is when I will come back. 

Am I mad at Harry? No. Some of the shit he did was immature and childish as fuck, yes. But I can’t be mad at Harry. He’s a very great OW player. He is a nice guy. I wish him all the best with OWL and his streaming. I do still consider him a friend.