#personal blahness

This is going to be a tough time for me in general, so you probably have noticed my queue being either random or very few posts coming out, even tho it's at 1000 most days.

>work with a nice older lady 

>has a p cute son 

>used to work with p cute son before i got sick with my brain hemorrhage

>nice older lady tells me about how she is setting cute son up with people from her church because she wants him to do more than just work (and she wants grandkids) 

>internal_cry.gif

>p cute son was using nice older lady’s only car so she had to get picked up by him 

>comes into the store

>talks with me for like 45 min

>internal_screaming.gif

>”your earrings are really cute by the way. when did you get your ears pierced, kristen?” 

in a related note, i’m probably going to let go of 95% of my season 1 owl jerseys too. there’s waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many bad memories tied to a couple of them. there’s a certain dallas one i want to fucking burn, but emmi and aiden suggested that it would be best if i try to get some money off them. they’re right, plus it would be hard to explain to my parents why i’m fucking burning something i spent almost $100 on. 

i am dreading cleaning out the rest of the stuff in my closet. i know i’m gonna find it in there and i’m gonna be a mess, but i have to do this for me. i need to let go of all of it. 

emmi suggested sending me the external that had all the stuff about jon that i was going to out him on so she can trash it for me. i don’t want to see anything on it. i hate that man. that man almost fucking ruined me. that man almost made me hit rock fucking bottom. no more. 

i took down all my owl/ow posters too i had up. most of them were ruined by my cats anyway, but i feel like another huge weight is off me. i feel like i can breathe. (now i have room for my peggie flags too lmfaooooooooooo) 

like it’s just hitting me all the things i threw out. like i’m almost overwhelmed by it. i started crying earlier because i’m so proud of myself. 

my oldest sister is leaving town for good this weekend. 

good riddance. 

it’s weird when your sister is almost 40 and she’s dating dudes your age. 

my mom wanted me to come with to her goodbye dinner because it is at a place i will actually go to because i fucking hate eating out. 

and i told her no 

my oldest sister has been nothing more than a cunt to me the last 2-3 years. why the fuck would i want to go out to a dinner for her cheating ass? 

you want to be with someone new? fine

don’t drag your husband along and play both sides of the card. that’s manipulative and super fucking shitty. 

she is already planning on a new wedding with the new fuckboy 

and its like wtf you’re not even divorced from your current husband. what the fuck is wrong with you 

like i see all the countless times she has been a piece of shit to her husband and i just like...... if i ever had a husband i model myself on being the complete opposite of my oldest sister. 

like at this point, i hardly even consider her my sister 

my parents are going hard that i need to forgive her for all the bullshit she said and did toward me. 

and i always turn it around at my mom 

because my mom and aunt haven’t talked to each other for almost 20 years. 

like i can be civil sure, especially with my other older sister getting married next year 

but i get guilt-tripped because i make it known that i am cutting my oldest sister out of my life. 

so last weekend, i was in sioux falls because my mom was getting surgery for stuff in her heart. 

and my older sister (the one who lives in des moines) said she wanted to talk to me. when we were out and about, she basically said she wants me to come and live with her and her fiance. they would help me become more independent. i would learn how to drive from them and eventually save up to get a car. i would eventually get a job down there and finally get my own place there in des moines. 

the thing is like my sister talked about coming to see my family in like september since she didnt come in june like she wanted to for my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary. that doesn’t give me much time to save. she said she would be ok with accommodating time to my needs, but i feel like i am idk 

like part of me really wants to do this. you know, i’m almost 30 and i haven’t been able to really be free to do what i want. my sister was always seen as the black sheep of the family because she went and did something with herself. she went and learned how to drive. she went and moved out and whatnot. like my dad never wanted me or my sisters to learn how to drive because he likes that control and being depended on to go somewhere. 

my sister said i would benefit so much from it because i can get back on my medications for my blood and the shit with my head. i could get my teeth fixed. i can really start to become really on my own. then my sister said something that really stuck with me the past like week or so. my parents aren’t going to live forever. i had the luxury of being able to live at home rent free and be working, but always come home to my kitties and just be able to fuck around on my computer and stuff. 

and my sister told me she could help me get the help i need for any mental issues im having, and if i wanted i could do the same diet she’s doing because i’ve been wanting to lose weight. 

i’m just really scared. i’m scared i’m going to hate it in des moines and then i’m fucked until i can go back home to pierre and try to get my old job back. i’m just scared because i’ve never lived away from my parents even like across town let alone in a whole different state. and the thought of driving is absolutely terrifying. 

idk