Imma vertically give y'all a hug!- You did not need to do that but I appreciate it a so much!
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đđ¤đŞ
HUGGIES!!!! HEHEHHEEEEE THANK YOUUUâ
We didnât have time to draw anything (we didnât know what to drawâ) and decided to put the fact we know how to play an instrument to use! Plus we got to learn a little tune to annoy my fellow players with, so hehehhehhhâ
Weâre so glad you like it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!!! (Feel any older?)
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This Is where the Beginning of Nanues Blankspace Adventure begins, Where we see Nanue is in search of her Precious Valued item that she cherished the most.
But little does she know, This day-Well umm whatever day it is in Blankspace will be special yet Dark for whatever this special day may bringâŚ
With her little companion Heyo (the literal eyeball) will witness Nanues persistence and Determination In her adventure to this white void world.
Multigender is a term for anyone who experiences more than one gender identity. It can be used as a gender identity in its own right, or can be an umbrella term for other identities which fit this description. Or at least, thatâs how the wiki describes it.
When some people think of the term multigender they think of genderfluid, and really, I canât blame them. Amongst the small, vastly underrepresented multigenders, genderfluid is the one thatâs most known. Although, with the way itâs represented, I could argue that people donât know jack about how being genderfluid works, but hey, thatâs not what Iâve decided to complain about.
Not to sound like companies in June, but itâs a spectrum. Thereâs hundreds of identitiesânot just amongst the multigender label, but thatâs what Iâm focusing onâthat arenât represented amongst the media, and itâs because they arenât simple. They arenât understandable enough as trans, or nonbinary, or gay or bisexual, and itâs not like those are widely understood either. Peoples reaction to multigender folks is usually an instinctual, âthatâs not realâ, and sure, to people who donât experience the things that multigender people do, it does sound far fetched. It doesnât make sense. Trust me, buddy, not making sense is my whole fucking existence at this point.
Iâm a little something called abrogender.
Abrogender is a gender identity with two definitions: A form of genderfluidity that changes more erratically and in a less defined way. A gender that is so intricate, and changes so quickly, that it is nearly impossible to nail down. Again, at least thatâs what the wiki says.
With âmicro labelsâ like these, itâs easy for people to say, âwell, thatâs just genderfluidâ and yeah, itâs similar, but you canât make that call. You donât know what I experience and how it differs, and sure, to some people the âmillions of labels under the LGBTQ+ identityâ are annoying and hard to understand, but theyâre there for a reason, because it isnât as simple as labeling myself as genderfluid as it is for most people, which is another reason why you wonât see bigender, pangender, genderfaun/genderfaunet etc people being represented in media because the media doesnât know how to represent us, or they take something as complicated as our identitiesâsomething they canât make sense of in a blink of an eye, and call it not real.
Can you imagine how fucking frustrating that is?
I canât describe to people who are comfortable with their gender, in the body they were born with, the type of feeling that looking in the mirror and seeing the wrong thing is. Itâs hard to describe it if you havenât experienced it, as much of this will be, but I remember I was getting more and more uncomfortable, for reasons I didnât understandâI didnât have access to all these millions of different labels as a kid.
I never really felt connected to being a girl. You know, it wasnât instinctive revulsion, I didnât âfeel trapped in my bodyâ most days, like some trans representation will have you believe. Iâm not Kalvin Garrah, Iâm not going to say you have to have dysphoria to be trans. I didnât feel connected to any gender, really, but I didnât feel without one either. If somebody were to assume I was a boy, I wouldnât get offended, because sure! Itâs not like I wasnât a boy. Most people donât experience that shit.
And then quarantine hit. I was on the internet more than I ever had been, because itâs not like there was much else to do, and I was allowed access to things I barely understood before. AKA, I was dipping my toes into the trans label.
Demigirl was what I started with, because at the time it felt accurate. A label where you still identify as a girl but also somewhere outside the binary? Thatâs exactly what I thought it was. This isnât me shaming demigirls, you guys are so hot, sexy etc, it just wouldnât be that simple for me. And then, as the years went on, I felt more and more disconnected from being a girl, and I picked up nonbinary like a golden star and stuck it to my shirt for a couple years, without fully reading the contract that came with it. Again, at the time, thatâs what I thought it was. The idea of being a boy wouldnât come to me for a couple years, but once I started doubting my gender again I sort of.. hid from it? The last couple weeks of identifying as nonbinary werenât honest, and it was more so me clinging to the surface level of the trans identity just so I wouldnât have to come out a second time. I slapped transmasc onto the nonbinary label and was hoping to god I wouldnât fuck around and find out.
And then.. after a while, I allowed myself to look further. Bigender, and then trigender, and then pangenderânone of them stuck.
One thing I did know, was that now that I was allowing myself to identify as such, I loved being a boy. I loved it. I wanted to have a flat chest, and a big, bushy beard, and for people to look at me in the store and call me sir, and to be somebodyâs husband in the futureâI wanted all of it. And with this, I strayed further and further away from being a girl, if that was even possible, and adopted the trans man label in 2022.
Most people would think; well, youâre a trans man. Youâre not multigender. And thatâs what I thought. I really did think so, I thought my gender crisis was over, I felt content, and I didnât think much into it because itâs not like I could be wrong again, right?
Well. Some fucking god must have had it ought for me, because after a happy year of identifying as a trans man, in early 2023, I had yet another patented moment of wait.
I have been relatively open about my gender struggles here. Relatively is an understatement, Iâm sure you can find a post about each label I identified as at the time I identified as it if you just search it on my account, so you can imagine how frustrating this was. I was finally content with being a trans man, and that year was really, really good. My friends were all insanely supportive, were using my correct pronouns and everything, and then I would have to do the walk of shame to tell them, again, that yeah.. I wasnât right about this, guys :/
Out of everything, the number one thing I was worried about was annoying people. Amongst my own thoughts of faking it, of trying to be different, I really did think my close friends would get tired of me constantly saying something else. I wanted so badly to just be normal, to be simple, to be like the thousands of cis people in the world who are born with the gender theyâre assigned as and donât have a moment of questioning itâof feeling unsure, but at the same time whenever I thought about being just a girl for the rest of my life I got this sick, awful feeling in my stomach. But just being a man didnât feel right, either.
So, what? What was I?
I still donât know. If you assume Iâm a girl, you wonât be wrong, but you wonât be entirely right, either. If you assume Iâm a man, you wonât be wrong, but you wonât be right either. If you assume Iâm neither, something that exists outside the binary, you wonât be wrong and you wonât be right.
I tried to be content with just being me. With saying, I donât need a label, I am who I am! But that wasnât true. I wanted so badly to have a label, something to explain this, something to prove that there wasnât something wrong with meâthat I wasnât alone. That I wasnât faking it after all.
Abrogender is the closest definition to what Iâm feeling.
The definition isnât in my own words, so it isnât exactly what Iâm feelingâhell if Iâll ever be able to explain that to people without sounding insaneâbut when I found that label I breathed out the biggest fucking sigh of relief. Itâs the closest thing to unlabeled as I can allow myself to have, but at the same time itâs still a label. Itâs still a sign that people feel how I feel, enough for there to be a definition for it. After years of switching, of nothing sticking, of feeling crazy, like I was making the whole thing up and trying to stick to one thing just to please other people, I finally, finally could breathe. And itâs not something I can explain to somebody who never has to doubt any of these things to begin with. Iâm not going to force myself to tone down what I am just so it appeals to a mass of people who wouldnât have loved me anyways. Iâm not going to do that. I was miserable doing that.
So, if you think itâs not real, what I feel and how I identify, and if you think the millions of people who identify as multigender, or some label on the LGBT spectrum that isnât easy for you to grasp are all faking it, just know that you have the privilege of never feeling a stranger in your own body, in your own mind. You have the privilege of getting up and getting ready in the morning and loving your body, never feeling like an imposter, like you have to put on a performance to please. Of course you couldnât understand what we go through, and you know what? I am happy for you.
There's a part of me thatâs bitter, thatâs envious, because Iâve wanted that experience for myself for years. I can't tell you how much. But Iâm learning to let things like that go. If youâre one of the millions of people who are truly, entirely happy with how you identify, then Iâm happy for you.
If you asked me why I posted this, I would tell you donât fucking know. Is it because I wanted people to understand the complexities of gender, of the vast labels and how theyâre overlooked, as a person who has a lesser known label? Yeah, sure. Is it also because I wanted to just talk my shit for no apparent reason? Yes.
If youâre doubting your own gender like I was, if you feel like youâre faking it, like youâre an imposter to yourself and the people around you, I promise you that itâs going to make sense eventually. It might not be this year, or the next, but youâll find something thatâll work. Youâll have that moment of finally being able to breathe, of that euphoria of finally not feeling alienated for something you canât control anymoreâno matter how long it takes, it will happen. And youâll find people whoâll understand, who wonât get upset with you for being confused. Thereâs millions of people on this earth, and no matter how much your brain tries to convince you, there is always a group of people, no matter how small, no matter how unrepresented, that feel the same. I feel the same.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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âHey, you know a good place ta get a beer around here?â ((rocksaltwhiskeyandbulletholes))
âOh- yeah, actually. Pub down the road has some pretty damn good draft. Ye lookinâ fer the good stuff, go there.â He hums. ââŚWait, have we met, I swear Iâve seen you before.â