#heylove

Honestly, it hurts me kasi it felt like ginamit mo lang akong rebound. I knew you still loved your ex. It was very obvious. Even after our breakup, you went on a date with someone who looked like her, and it even felt like you wanted her more than you ever wanted me. It was obvious na you were still longing for your ex. Pero bakit ayaw mong aminin? Mahuhurt ba yung ego mo? Kasi mahal mo pa yung ex mo na iniwan ka?

Did you want to get revenge on her for leaving you, so you went for her best friend (me)? Ang tanga ko for thinking na you really liked me and wanted to be with me. It was so obvious na all this time, I was never a choice. You just went out with me kasi I was the only one there for you. Yun yung masakit sa’kin. 

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret loving you. Do you know why? Kasi at least I made you happy after being heartbroken for so long. I genuinely wanted you to be happy, love. And kahit ngayon, even when it hurts me, I have to let you go kasi I know mas masaya ka without me. I love you, sobra. I may not have been the perfect girlfriend pero I know you knew how much I cared and loved you. So no, I don’t regret anything. It’s not my loss either. I just have to get through this. 

Hey, love

I’m not okay right now. I’m crying as I write this because I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

I’m so tired. Really tired. There’s so much going on with school and family, but I don’t have a choice. I just have to keep pushing through.

It’s so hard trying to be strong on my own. I just wish I had someone. I used to have you, but what happened between us took that away. I miss you. I miss my best friend. But I know you don’t really miss me, so I stop myself from reaching out.

I hope you're happy and doing better than I am.

Hey, love

Just dropping by to say I miss you, the old you. The version of you that I loved. I know you’re still the same person, but things just feel different now with everything going on between us. We see each other casually, and I keep telling myself I won’t fall for you again. But here I am, falling again.

Honestly, I hate you for coming back into my life. But I hate myself even more for letting you in. At first, I really thought you’d just be someone temporary. Someone I’d see for a while and move on from. But as time goes by and we spend more time together, I feel myself getting attached again, and I hate that. Because deep down, I know this isn’t going anywhere. You don’t want me. And I don’t want you. We’re just wasting each other’s time.

Still, I do love you. But like LANY’s song says, “If this is love, I don’t want it.” When we’re together, I feel happy and safe. But when we’re apart, I overthink everything and I know that’s not a good sign. Maybe it has something to do with you, or maybe it’s me. Or maybe, we’re just not meant to be.

I want to let you go already. I really do. But I just can’t seem to. I hope that someday I can. And when that day comes, I hope your absence won’t hurt too much.

I wish for us both to move on and live better lives, even if it’s separately. But no matter what, I’ll always acknowledge this truth: I love you. More than you know.

Hey, love

How have you been?

I think I’m at my lowest right now. Emotionally and mentally, I’m not doing well. We just lost Cooky, and I’m still deep in grief. His last moments keep replaying in my mind. I can't shake the guilt, like maybe if I had taken better care of him, he might have lived longer. Maybe if I had played with him more, hugged him more, stayed by his side more often, he wouldn’t have died. I miss him so much. I wish he were still here. I know he would've taken all my worries away just by being near.

Things have also been rough financially. With all three of us siblings in college, the bills keep piling up. I'm sure my parents had to take out loans just to keep us going. That’s why I’ve been trying to find a part-time job online to at least help with the household expenses. But so far, no luck. I haven’t been hired by any of the places I applied to.

It’s been making me worry. What if I can’t find a job now? What if I can’t even get one in the future? How will I support my family? These thoughts keep circling in my head, and it's been so overwhelming.

I really hope you’re doing better than I am, with work, your family, everything.

Miss you. Always.

Hey, love

It's me again. I've been fighting the urge to message you. To be honest, I'm not doing well lately. I think I'm going through another midlife crisis.

Classes just ended. I actually did well in my first year of nursing school. Got recognized as an academic achiever. But somehow, I feel gloomy. Maybe because I feel like I'm falling behind my peers. I mean our friends are all living their lives—landing stable jobs, saving enough, and starting a family. Meanwhile, I'm reliving college. I can't help but feel pressured, especially financially. I haven't saved enough.

I am currently exploring new projects to pursue, mainly in content creation and selling digital products and preloved items. I honestly don't know if I'll succeed in this. I also want to start my own business or at least gain passive income. I don't know how to do it but I'm taking action regardless.

Anyway, I hope you're doing well, with work and all. I miss you, always.

Hey, love

It's me again. Currently going through another emotional breakdown.

I saw a pic of you and a friend today. It's good to know you're doing well. A part of me is honestly happy to see you happy, but a part of me is also scared to see you happy with someone else.

I feel like my insecurities are getting triggered again. I shouldn't even care anymore if you find someone else or become better and happier with someone else. I should be happy for you. But right now, thinking about it makes me sad.

I'll work on myself. I'll heal, but hopefully sooner. I'm tired of feeling this way every night.

Hey, love

It's been a while. I decided to write things on here since I have no one to talk to about my feelings ever since you were gone.

I haven't been doing well lately.

Academically, I am doing well, acing school stuff with minimal effort (though I doubt I'd be able to keep this up if I don't start putting in work).

Physically, I am a mess. I haven't been going to the gym. I haven't been making healthy food choices. I lost my gains and gained a lot of weight instead. Sleeping schedule is a mess as well. I usually go to bed in the wee hours; hence, the very visibly annoying dark circles I can't seem to get rid of. I've been trying to get myself together, though. I've been trying to commit to a fitness program but am struggling to keep it up.

Mentally, I am a very big mess. I guess I'm going through another midlife crisis, questioning my life choices, still wondering if I'm taking the right path or if this is another detour that I had to take to build me into a better person. I really don't know. I can't help but compare myself to our friends who are already doing well in life. I wish I had my life figured out earlier, maybe I'd be in the same track as them already. I also haven't gotten rid of my insecurities. I wish they'd go away.

At times like this, I do need you. You're the only person who can make me feel better. I miss you.

I sincerely hope you're doing better than I am.